I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Here's My Farewell...

..to a year that may have topped most others in my life...

..a year full of unexpected twists, surprises, new friends, reconnections, many mistakes, even more lessons, hello's, goodbye's, apologies, and so much more.

From ringing in the New Year in a front yard in Mandeville, Louisiana with Kourt, the Braiwick family, Nick Beesley, Eric, Aaron and so many wonderful friends and new aquiantances, to ending the year at home in Tampa, Florida with Josh and my amazing childhood friends, this year has seen me in places I never imagined I would go/find/see.

Here's to the good and bad memories and experiences of a year that was like no other before it.

Here's to the highlights AND the lowlights of 2008:


-Mandeville, Louisiana: Bourbon street, hand grenades, getting (almost) kicked out of the Dungeon... 3 strikes (Kourt!), great southern cooking, "boots with the fur", deep talks, great bonding, new friends, old friends, fireworks and bonfires, kegs in the front yard, Nick's car accident
-Tampa, Florida: apartment 3301 at Hawk's Landing, new roommates and the original neighbor crew (Naya, Caroline, Sayble, Derek, Cody, John, Sam, Doug, Xander), Cody's birthday celebration, cops at the complex, many parties, family guy nights, numerous "sleepovers" and houseguests, three guys in the shower, beach trips, smokeouts, Naya & Caroline sliding phones under my door while I slept, etc!
-Lake Tahoe, Nevada: three connecting flights with the family, Naegle room 1272, central hot tub in the snow, bad ending to a friendship over the phone, snowboarding lessons, mount Heavenly, Pats/Chargers game pre-superbowl at Harvey's casino, the liftee parties, firepits at Fire & Ice, bad bruises, Julia disobeying the "don't lick the frozen pole" rule, long johns, hookah and beer pong,
-Jacksonville with Sayble
-Valentines 08: "Family" dinner with the neighbors, dressing up with Sayble, visitors and people passing out early, macademia encrusted tilapia and asparagus and mashed potatoes, red velvet cake
-Shady hotel rooms off Columbus Ave and miller high-life's with the Minnesota boys
-Channelside nights and Tally road trips with Julia, High Springs, Classical music on 4 hour drives, "Charlie", the ABC game
-Tallahassee bars with Kim and her neighbors, picking on Carboy, all-nighter gossiping on the couch with Kimmy about boys and life and everything else, photo-shoots, waffles, movie times
-"TCS... what does that stand for?!" (Tom, Josh and Caroline)
-BOO and Nicholas: Aladdin, permanent marker wars on the passed out people, triple shower photo shoot, male cuddle-sesh, new backgrounds on my laptop
-Angel and Bob's visit: drinking with Caroline in our kitchen, one giant handle of Jack, "I'm gonna boom-boom-boom you all the way across the parking lot!!", crazy drunk mothers going after Angel, stairwell talks
-interesting job... (to say the least!)
-Parasols and THA, long phone talks and texting sessions
-THA and Kroeg, 4 am arrival times, lack of sleep for 2+ days, sushi in St Pete with Wang-a-Tang, brother's visits and green time, more deep conversations, Bee movie, etc
-4LL 3 day sleepover: skatepark in Tampa, "Flower and Esteban", peace/love and Mark Diesel tatt's, Ybor visits, Clearwater beach and saving injured seagulls with Esteban, burying Aladdin with tourists, booze, van-naps, Hawthorne Heights songs in the general direction, romance cover novels, purple ring, elephant bowls and triple b action, Rascal Flatts sing-alongs in the kitchen, broken vase/flowers in the bathroom, incense and candles, tater-tots and jagerbombs
-Taste of Chaos (Orl & TPA): Kourt, Dan, Johnny and I, rockstars & beer, fiddle and guitar
-many beach trips & spring break
-STD/AFS: Georgia, Sayble, Paige, Nash and Chris - dance parties and vodka/RB's all night long
-Crazy nights with Paige, temporary roommate, Dollhouse night and giving out numbers, "What if he came out of the room and I was like THIS?! haha!", strip photo shoot for Caroline, leading strangers on a goose chase, funny long talks, drunk late nights, ETC
-Red Sox games!!! Ferg's and limbo, drinks and dancing, "Sweeeeet Caroliiinnnneee..."
-Summer break and Kim at home, beach with my girls, wine nights with Chrissy Jen and Barry, Poblanos, "negative nancy's", crazy drama
-Nicholas visits again: Veil of Maya crashing over, Naya's room, Jeff and Caroline, stringing the babydoll up on the fan, everyone getting inebriated while I worked and the crazy drama that occured, police and Latoya getting hogtied (!), Planet Earth and Family Guy marathons, pantry episodes... Long drives to small skateparks and visiting, drives and text messages, bad behavior, Jeff singing country, etc
-Sacramento, California: change of plans and new destination, staying with an old friend and meeting several new friends, spending my birthday around a campfire and feeling at home, good brownies, SAC/Ludo at the boardwalk, airsoft guns, Mayday Parade singalongs, permanent marker tattoos, Ckah and Zachhall hangouts, Wii Mariokart, Cali trees, Sushi and mall-outings with Beardicus, walking/biking downtown with BA, thrifting with Alex, Chico and the police, benefit show at CSU, Holly Berry, vodka shots in Sig's car to Jacks Mannequin, interesting occurences/events, downtown show my last night, new bowls and swirly popsicles, Gina's apartment party, shots and alcohol alllllll night
-Dr Acula and Liferuiner: Tampa, Orlando and Jacksonville, Greg Moore and Ming, Jesse Garza and writing on his apt wall, all night talks with Donny, beach day with Stacy, D and Ernie, The Punisher, Walmart trips, craaaaazy drama
-Kroeger and Phil and AM, good southern cooking, BL with lime, van smokeouts, Chuckles and Biscuit, pillow fights and sleepovers in the guest room, long talks on the patio
-Gainesville with Kourtney to see Esteban, undercooked chicken, long talks at the bar
-Channelside, Banana Joes and the Hut, dollar pitchers, 807 porch nights
-12 at Bourbon in NPR: rekindling old friendships, 3-day excursions around FL, St Augustine and the Coca Cola Pavilion, dirty redneck fights in the pavilion, "Crazy Bitch" and Buckcherry's performance, DIANA (!), Diana dancing, back lounge til the sun was up (like usual!), talks/sing alongs with Kourt, Aaron, Art, Paul and Eric, "family moments", dance parties on the bus and bar and pier, hotel rooms and sleeping all day, the Conch House (enough said.. haha), Irish Jokes, SoCo lime tradition shots, "OYE!", "A & T, a a and t!!", falling down... both times, Paul and Art rescuing me, "where are my pants? and underwear?!" (hahhahaha), next day damage, 3-week long bruises, hungover car rides home
-sleepovers and rekindling things with Josh
-4th of July: dollar drinks, Josh and Nicole and the 807 crew, dancers on the bar, cab rides and small man going to the bathroom at the stoplight in front of us, skinny dippers at 807's pool, josh's car breaking down, driving to my apt and then to Brandon
-Projeckt Revolution: visiting with Nash, back lounge conversations, Linkin Park in the lawn and dancing and singing, Lancie-B and Kourt (typical! haha) post-show, driving to steak-n-shake and eating with Josh and his friends, getting back with my babe
-(Almost) daily chats with my wonderful cousin, Steph, and growing sooooo much closer.
-all of the up's and down's getting back together with Josh, and finding out that it worked out perfectly... something neither of us EVER expected to happen before it did!!!
-Casey Key with J and his family, boat outings, drum circles, beach retreat room 17
-Beer pong nights and jagerbombs
-Halloween and going out to Applebees with J, JG and Jaclyn
-Wine, Grey's and General Hospital times with Jenna and Christina
-"the roommates": Freak, Annoying one, Plain one and the Crazy one
-Hospital visits to J&C's mama
-Trip to Tallahassee, Thursday night out, Losing Kim, talking to the cop with Savannah, bus rides barefoot, "cavity search!" and the latex glove incident, girl talk, magna-doodle board messages, mirror messages in lotion, "He hung me like a m*f*in slave!", drunk talk, 5 am booty calls (hahahahahaha), Moes and mcdonalds, FSU adventures
-RIP Buddy - 11/08
-Thanksgiving @ 2 houses and Wii challenges
-Fort Meyers with Heather, hanging with Dan, catching up with someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time, lots of beers, lots of memories, Shinedown and A7X on stage, home at 4 am
-Next Big Thing: Kourt, Julia, Jenna, Paulie, Chrissy, Wang and many other friends, getting drunk early, such a great lineup, Anberlin, chatting with Chris, breaking my phone, leaving early
-Family guy nights with Jenna and Paulie, making food, taking exams, stressing and chatting, a Clockwork Orange, Ferg's with the crew and taco bell with Jenna afterwards, Mariokart Wii (of course!)
-Driving with Kim ALL DAY to Cross City (where?! haha) to get Josh's Christmas present... and keeping that a secret for 5 long days until Christmas!!!
-Puppy nights at Julia's, Dirty Love and Cruel Intentions, Julia being amazing and watching the puppy while I worked
-surprising Josh on Christmas morning with the puppy!!
-having an amazing Christmas at 3 different houses
-spending a good winter break with both my best friend AND my babe

There are SOOOOOOOOOOO many memories that I summarized or entirely left out, for several reasons, but I hold each of them close to me for some reason or another. Everyone in my life knows their involvement in the past year, and to each of you, I thank you for your part, whether bad or good. Because no matter how amazing or how awful each experience turned out to be, I took them as learning experiences and used each lesson to make myself a better person.

2008 both dragged on and flew by all too quickly. 2008 saw me at both my best and quite possibly, some of my worst moments. 2008 saw heartaches, heartbreaks, hard times, new experiences and rekindled flames. 2008 started and ended ENTIRELY different, and everything in-between was far more unique an unstable than could have been planned. 2008 was nothing like I originally hoped it to be.

2008, I salute you, and I bid you farewell.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Deep Inside of You.


I breathe by your looks and you look right through me.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Check it out...

"When you were mine,
was I for you just one cheap thrill just to help you make it?
Damnit, I hope you didn't fake it."
-framing hanley-

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Eye-Language.

Concerning one's eyes.

How can you discern whether or not they are smiling at you or showing pity?
And if it's not a look of longing or a re-discovered,
familiar gaze full of memories, what kind of look is being expressed??

Most eyes are so easy to read.
Then, of course, there are a select few that leave me both wondering and, even worse, absolutely terrified.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

All this time...

.
..was I really just getting my hopes up for nothing more than an absolute letdown?

Was everything between us really just a lot less special than I remember it to be? Or, has time just played cruel tricks on my mind and, even moreso, in reality?

It's insanely frustrating how many emotions one can go through in a matter of mere hours. A hectic whirl-wind of a roller coaster ride, I think that would be more of an accurate description.

To wait for months to finally have the chance to see one another again, and worse, to get so excited about it... To go somewhere with the mentality that things will fall back in place as if months and years had never occurred... To get swept up in a barrage of memories and then proceed to use those recollections as a mental guide for the way that things will happen... To feel nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, happy, insecure, embarrassed, angry, hopeful, frustrated, hurt, courageous and disappointed ALL at the same time... To finally come face-to-face with something that you've struggled to move past for a very long time, and then to be left questioning whether or not those feelings were, in fact, real/plausible/mutual...

You are, to me, a massive amount of draining and unnecessary confusion. I can try to interpret your actions as a negative thing, or I can look at it from the complete opposite way and give you the benefit of the doubt.... Problem is, I should be long-past caring about whatever it is that your behavior meant. I should stop pretending that whatever "we" were was something almost fairytale-esque, and realize that I probably went way too far, allowing myself to get lost in an illusion. All of this time, I've credited something that might not have even existed... And getting the truth is pretty much near-impossible, because who I am to you apparently doesn't matter in the least anymore.

Was I ever real to you? Do I even exist in your memory? Or, am I nothing more than a small bump on the road that is your life?

Give me answers. Give me closure.
Give me something better to go off of than the silence you left me with.
Give me a reason to finally say goodbye.

----------------------------------

"..and what she'd give for one more smile,
and how she hoped he missed her."

-mayday parade-


Monday, December 1, 2008

History...

Why do we learn about history? As many of my teachers have said, history is taught to prevent us from making the same mistakes and to teach us how to avoid failure. Because, as we all know, no matter HOW much we think we can change things, history repeats itself.

Over and over and over and over...

Why don't we ever seem to learn our lessons BEFORE we the bad things happen again?!


I'd really like to know.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Exposed.

10 Anonymous Things You Want to Say to 10 Different People:
1. I 'm still not sure if you stopped being my friend because you really did get hurt by what i said, or because it was easier to blame things on me than on the person you love and obsess over.

2. There are conversations we had online from almost 2 years ago that I found recently on my computer... I still read them, and I still get mopey. Why did you say what you did, to then just disappear?

3. you were too early in blaming me for things, but in the long run, you were right.

4. Why is it that every time I get close to someone you feel would benefit your life, you have to get even closer??

5. I don't ignore your calls... I just have a lot going on in my own life to deal with, and it's hard enough to do that without everyone else venting and no one listening in return.

6. You hurt me in ways that no one should have to ever go through, you allowed my name and reputation to be dragged through the dirt, you never apologized, and now you continue to surround yourself with our mutual friends and live as though you never did anything wrong... I don't know what to be more mad at: you having a great life, or everyone I call "friend" being nice to you and not defending me.

7. it's funny to me how popular and well-liked you think that you are... when in all reality, most people talk about you behind your back, many think you are a fake slut, and no one knows the REAL deal. those who do are morons, too!

8. being a good friend is about mutual companionship... about talking AND listening. when you turn every situation or story into your own, that's being selfish, and that makes me not want to talk to you.

9. for 5 months, I've texted, I've called, I've messaged... and I've got nothing in return. For no reason, by the way. You've always been great at "disappearing" or at "losing yourself in your head", but be fair to me and give me a damn reason as to why you won't speak to me anymore.

10. sometimes I don't want to talk about everything negative... sometimes I'd like to have a conversation NOT bashing him/them. is that too much to ask for?!?!


9 Things About Yourself:
1. I have a terrible addiction to Grey's Anatomy. I quote it, I download songs that are played in each episode, I relate life experiences to those of the characters on the show... I'm addicted.

2. I want to be on a soap opera. I think that they are hilarious and amazing, and I watch General Hospital and Days of Our Lives, and every time, all I can think is that I want to be a soap opera actress.

3. I don't do ANYTHING until almost, if not at, the very last minute. I've tried to break the habit, but procrastination is the only way I do things.

4. Music is more to me than melodies and lyrics. Music is feelings and memories and times in my life that I will always hold in my heart... It's defining of mostly everything important to me.

5. I only like CERTAIN tattoos. I think obscene, stupid, meaningless ink is ugly and trashy.

6. I'm a blanket/bed/cover hog. Even in a king-sized bed, I'll take up the middle and all of the sheets. Unintentional... But I do it.

7. I'm a writer.. I love to write, and I pick up on misspellings and grammatical errors all the time in everyday life. It's a curse... but I get annoyed about it a lot, mostly in text messages and in conversations. I'm very, very picky.

8. I hate when people don't understand simple words. It might be snobby of me, but I view them as ignorant and uneducated when they can't understand something easy.

9. If I could sleep all of the time, I would. I don't, because I feel lazy and unproductive.


8 Ways to Win my Heart:
1. Confidence. (NOT to be confused with cockiness!)

2. Intelligence & Honesty.

3. Great sense of humor -- Make me laugh!!!

4. Respect for others--ESPECIALLY for women.

5. Spontaneity.

6. Romantic!

7. Make time for me without me asking... Put me first sometimes.

8. Want to spend time with the people in my life, willingly.


7 Things that Cross your Mind Often:
1. Joshua.

2. Steph & the apartment.

3. My dad, mom, siblings, grandparents & my Thunder puppy.

4. the schoolwork I'm putting off...

5. Getting my Associates in May.

6. Money... Jobs... Etc.

7. Memories... lots and lots of them.



6 Things you Wish you Never Did:
1. CREDIT CARDS.

2. Random/Wasted hook-ups.

3. Gone to CA.

4. Quit my great money-making job... even though I hated it.

5. Committed to things before I should have.

6. Cared about people who weren't ever there for me.


5 Turn-Offs:
1. Cockiness.

2. Poor hygiene.

3. Inability to hold an intelligent conversation.

4. Burn-outs!!!!!

5. Disrespect for women.



4 Turn-Ons:
1. Nice lips/smile/teeth.

2. Great sense of humor.

3. Brains. MUST have brains.

4. Adventurous/Spontaneous.



3 Smileys that Describe your Life:
1. :-P

2. :-D

3. :-x


2 Things you Want to do Before you Die:
1. Travel... See the world.

2. Marry the man of my dreams.


1 Confession:
1. I've wanted to open my mouth and expose the truth about so many people who have hurt me, to ruin their lives or to hurt them back for what they did to me... But something inside of me always stops me. And unfortunately, I wish I didn't have such strong morals or such a good conscience, because I'd still like to see those people suffer....

Thursday, November 6, 2008


Tell him I'm in Tampa on the causeway,
watchin' the waves roll in.

-chris cagle-

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Sports...


I may be called a "traitor" for not jumping the bandwagon here in Tampa, and to be quite honest, I don't mind much. I've lived in Tampa for over 14 years, and have attended MANY more Rays games than most of the so-called "die-hard fans" that have recently submersed during the 2008 post-series. I've always applauded the Rays, and I still do today! HOWEVER... I am from Boston. Therefore, I DID claim loyalty to the Sox during the ALCS playoff game, which got me called "traitorous", and even a "band-wagon" fan... Seriously!? Yes, the Rays did beat the Sox, and I'm proud to see them go this far. Really, I am! But all the "Sox suck" and "Yankee vs Sox days are OVER!" talk is just a liiiiiitle bit amusing. One World Series experience is definitely not enough to defeat that battle in history. Get it straight next time ya'll jump on the band-wagon yourselves!

So anyway, I've been rooting for the Phillies... I've always loved Philadelphia, and they've put on a pretty great performance during this season.

As if Jayson Werth & Chase Utley aren't representation enough for the smokin'-hot team, look at Cole Hamels. Honestly, Philly, can ya calm it down just a tad?!



Friday, October 17, 2008

Appreciation.

the little things that most take for granted. clean air and warm breezes. reflections in puddles, pools and windows. birds singing at 7 am. the colors in a sunrise. watching the sun setting in my rear-view mirror. my arm being nudged by my dog when he wants attention. the smell of logs burning. the smells of winter, spring, summer and fall. autumn in new england. leaves changing colors. running barefoot through the grass while the morning dew is still fresh. familiar smells and associations. the sound of ice crackling when it hits liquid. classical music. a cheap bottle of sparkling champagne. reminiscing about amazing times. black and white photography. sweatpants and pajamas during the day. letters from younger family. being an inspiration to another individual. teaching a child something for the first time. the way perfume/cologne lingers for awhile. waking up next to someone you can't get enough of. watching candles flicker as the flames dance. standing in a hot shower for an extra few minutes. southern charm. real gentlemen who aren't ashamed to treat a lady right. being able to take something great away from a terrible experience. finding courage in the face of adversity. words of wisdom.

gripping novels. words that paint vivid illustrations. sophisticated vulgarity. skepticism. inquisitional glances and theories. non-conformity. cool breezes. traveling back in time with just a simple melody. appreciation for the past. genuine smiles from strangers. true listeners who do LISTEN without turning a situation into their own. individuality. freedom of expression, speech, religion. dysfunctional families who hold their own. genuine chivalry, in the rare occurrence that i happen across it. the crack of the bat as it connects with a baseball. familiarity. listening to stories from older generations. confidence in the most dire moments of doubt. the sun on your face while the wind blows your hair back. the curiosity of little children and animals. how excited my dog gets every time we come home, or he gets a walk, or he gets rewarded. family time, no matter how annoying. loyalty.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


And even if her plane crashes tonight,
she'll find some way to disappoint me,

by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea.

-brand new-

2007.

Is everyone just full of b.s. these days, or do people really just change drastically overnight?? and if that's the case, then why am I so easy to believe things will actually be wonderful and real, when experience has taught me to know that doesn't happen?? and if that's NOT the case, then when did I become so gullible???

I'm having the hardest time trying to understand how people who are supposed to make you feel like you are happy so much wind up treating you worse than they would treat someone they despise. I'm having an even harder time trying to figure out why the people who said that they would NEVER put someone through that are the people who disappeared shortly after. I'm not understanding or coming to terms with the fact that the people who have made me feel like life is actually beautiful, like I deserve to be treated amazing constantly, are the same people who aren't even in my life today. And I'm REALLY not understanding why I continue to make the same mistakes and bad judgment in character over and over and over... when I've already learned my lesson.

I need a glimmer of hope. I need to know that things aren't going to be like this for much longer. I need to know that I CAN be treated well. And I need to know it soon.

When people have a bad enough effect on me to leave me crying or in pain, I lose more and more respect for them, and over time, I shut them further and further out of my life, emotionally. Believe me... it's better to be shut out of my life physically than to be someone I grow to hate but pretend to care for.

_________________________________


I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around
-taylor swift-


She's an extraordinary girl,
In an ordinary world,
And she can't seem to get away
He lacks the courage in his mind,
Like a child left behind,
Like a pet left in the rain
She's all alone again,
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying,
She gets so sick of crying
She sees the mirror of herself,
An image she wants to sell,
To anyone willing to buy
He steals the image in her kiss,
From her heart's apocalypse,
From the one called whatsername
-green day-


current indulgences..

Monday, October 13, 2008

abuse is abuse is abuse... simple as that.

verbal abuse and emotional abuse share a key word, something quite terrible... abuse. it doesn't take a genius to recognize that, so why do we continue to allow ourselves to be bashed and degraded, when we know that we don't deserve to be victimized?? and, if we can recognize that we are being treated so poorly, why is it so hard to grasp control of the situation and just bail? are we really even victims if we keep ourselves in such a position? or, are we contributing to the abuse by NOT taking a stand, and by continuing to allow such hurtful treatment to be inflicted on ourselves??

if only it were as easy to think with our heads as it is with our hearts. maybe then we'd respect ourselves enough to run away--to go find the treatment we deserve, instead of simply wishing things would change. wishing is wasteful. so why do we waste so much of our time wishing instead of pursuing and following through on things?

life's little questions have obvious answers. i think that it's easier for some of us to continue taking abuse instead of being alone. pathetic.. i know. but so many of us are still guilty of it.

i'm a coward.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Do you ever find yourself looking desperately for reasons to hate someone? If the answer is yes, does that make you a terrible person, or is it logical? Justifiable?

I'm trying to figure it out.

Instability.

jumbled thoughts. cluttered idea fragments.

personified chaos.

messy. disorganized. confusing.

welcome to the jungle.. inside of my head.

spinning 360 degrees. circles. merry-go-rounds and ferris-wheels. "dizzy up the girl".. or boy. full-rotations around an axis. planets circling a ball of fire and fury. same places again, different points in time. fall down. get back up again. slap on bandages and start from scratch. good as new... until the next spill. new beginnings begin just as quickly as they end.

swing-sets. push me higher. no, even higher. i want to touch the stars with my toes. stretchhh... just a little higher. you'll never take me high enough. push me anyway. seashore. she's not selling seashells today. grainy sand between my toes. waves carry living beings ashore to die, & drag others out to sea... to die or to live. it's a gamble.

untied bikini tops & seagulls chasing tourists. sunburn is almost certain. long naps. dream about what? no great dream gets recognition, but nightmares surely get re-told. life. climb on a bicycle. pedal fast; don't stop. keep riding until i can't travel any further. breeze in my hair and the sun on my back. liberating. keep riding. cross the street. back to the starting point. come full-circle... it's not where i wanted to be. ride away again. this time past the park, past the merry-go-round, past the swing-set. leave the fantasies and childhood fallacies in the past. grow beyond the cute names and stories, and start to take lies for face-value and nothing more. leave everything as it was and that is how it will forever be remembered. memories fleeting fast. don't chase after them.. only drink to them, and say goodbye.

chocolate milkshakes at one-am. restaurant riots and rough crowds. long nights away from home. don't use the pantry... she used him there. corrupted shelves hold silent witnesses to more delusions. keep quiet. caveman goes commercial-friendly. so hollywood. so glam. 3000 miles to a coffee shop one hour from three months of absolute confusion. headphones and napkins; write those lyrics down. three extra hours to celebrate a day that should've been shorter to begin with. sneak across parking lots. parking lots in december in 20-degree weather. hide-n-seek! crank calls and backseat giggles. shhh... i'm telling her lips a secret! never-ending. never-real. nose-biter. teeth-biter. coffee-table-friendly magazines and wine-country experiences. look, that's you. silly games. shhh.. more secrets... don't spill the beans. you wouldn't dare.. or would you? hey.. you're full of crap. saves the day says it best. BUT.. here's to hoping the water DOES fill your lungs. wishful morbid thinking. f*cking scum.

hypocrisy. preach and teach but never follow. i'm an expert. lyrics & memoirs & stupid trinkets. rid yourself. climb the mountain higher than before. let the snow carry you to the bottom. rolling and freezing. "vapid whiny blah!!" thanks, ludo. get lost inside your head. i'll lose myself in mine. maybe we can meet in the middle.. or on the outside, perhaps? find the nearest exit. there's something far too strange going on. "some sad singers, they just play tragic.." ultimate truth.

LOVE is one letter different than LIVE. allow a letter to change & risk one or the other. breathe. don't believe anything. wise up now, girl. save yourself. one-sided. make a decision & the tables turn. not all at once.. but close enough. yell into canyons & listen for echoes. waste not, want not. want. not. not. wanting. word play. word gay. NOT.

still riding farther away from here? good. don't ever stop. change is inevitable. change is also misconstrued. not a guarantee. sick migraines. burn... away. figuratively or literally. or both. "uhhhh..." exactly. mistakes? NOT. okay.. big time. i lied. fly away on a jetplane and head into the unknown. isn't that what we already do in life anyway? because if we knew, we probably would quit ahead of time. not probably.. definitely. run fast. don't ever look back. we're all just running from ourselves. our worst enemies. our best friends. our shadows. better yet, from you. everything about... tdg.

it's all relative. or is it at all? word play/gay. faith. the word echoing inside of my head on a daily basis. some days it has many meanings, and some days it sounds strange. we're all marked in different ways. we're all survivors and victims and criminals and rebels and remnants and pieces of a great big puzzle. break me away. jigsaw. crimson red. a series of color-changes. stop-lights and stop-signs. bold & determined. shifting gears & blame & stories. STOP!!!

road-trips to destinations never before seen. repeated playlists. songs from the past, future and the now. some make sense... some. clarity isn't familiar much 'round these parts anymore. jetplanes and airports. trains and stations. tracks to cities along coastlines and modern-day suburbia. sight-see and day-dream. nothing out of the ordinary.

tell your kids about me. of course... unforgettable, you said? hell yes... or so the story goes & goes & goes... until it's gone. long gone. out of sight & mind & heart. other side of the tunnel. true life, true love, true tragedies. truth & fiction co-exist. a suitable pair, though quite contradictory. you never would have imagined such an alarming duet.. but hand-in-hand, the two continue to compliment one another. compliment, or destroy. it depends on how you choose to look at it. regardless.. an unfortunate series of circumstances leads to astonishing discoveries.

she plays a bitter role in life. always present when her spot-light is jeopardized, but cast in shadows when the light is alone. sneaking out & sneaking around. no one else needs to know. don't breathe a word, don't tell a soul. a secret's only yours until it gets repeated. play it safe, or sell yourself out. you decide. whispered words & hushed tones. recipes for disaster. move slow or regret it. actions in the dark mimic flaws in the heart.

symbolism alludes to things that have much deeper meanings. letters, shapes, numbers, signs. 427. symbolism. no one else needs to understand.. that's the beauty of art, literature, passion. to each his (or her) own to interpret as they please. metaphorically speaking, as simple a1-2-3. alliterations and word games. characteristically flawed, i'm a mess of contradictions. mindsets change at an alarming rate, often daily. pep-talks to death-walks. bi-polar, or just human? all fingers point to the latter.

i live through the stories of other people & their experiences.
i piece together the thoughts & phrases that others simply cannot.
i dream of such things that could never be simply explained.
& everyday, i wake to the same old realizations.

chaos. instability.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


I could make you feel like the [king] of the world but I won't
Cause you're full of imperfections.
-forever the sickest kids-


"So I'll build you a song, and I know you're gonna love it
'cause I'm putting in all the pieces that you said you wanted in it,
and I'm writing it here in my room in just my underwear and an orange t-shirt
'cause I know that you'd think that was hot."
-amber rubarth-



Tuesday, September 9, 2008

I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night.
-the used-


Time takes its toll on us
(this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
-circa survive-


A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?
-circa survive-


And all of the time you thought i was sad,
i was trying to remember your name.
-stars-

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

OLD part 2

(2006)

I don't know you at all anymore these days.
Honestly, it scares me to death.
You were the only thing I thought I actually DID know.

Now I'm alone again.

I started writing you letters... tons of them.
I ripped each of them up after the first few lines.

Word play can't fix the past or compete with reality.
I wish I could understand that.

On paper, I'm able to express myself clearly.
I can write about anything, and dress it up with fashionable words and catchy phrases..
It makes what I feel seem sophisticated and chic.
Better than it is, or than I'd like it to be.
A touch of flare, perhaps..
Extravagant word usage to play up the boring, idle thoughts of an eighteen-year old who thinks far too much for her own good.

Though, on sudden thought, I don't know why anyone would want to read through incessant ramblings from an opinionated mess of a hopeless romantic.. & then, actually enjoy what they read..

That would make them crazy, too, you know.

I used to write you letters filled with talks of the future..
of cheery lyrics and bold professions of love..
of silly girlfriend chatter, pointless, but nonetheless fun to read.

Now I write about tears and guilt and absolute misery.

Oh, how the times have changed...
This warped new take on things has taken the best of me.

The only way I ever felt that I could truly touch your heart so deeply was through my letters.
It's uplifting to pour out my feelings and desires onto an empty piece of paper, a blank canvas, and turn emotions into a dynamite masterpiece...
A letter, true, but a testimony even more so.
A confession.. Or many, at that.

OLD part 1

(2006)

I used to hate myself because I felt like a failure.

I felt ugly...
worthless...
incomplete...

Then I met you, and even though I still doubted many things, I learned how to love myself.

I felt beautiful...
special...
& so complete.

I took the best thing I ever had for granted...
and after all was said and done,
I felt the consequences.

I never thought I'd lose you.. Not ever.
Then I did... So I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

When I lost you, my world crumbled.

& ALL over again,
I felt ugly...
I felt worthless...
& God, I felt incomplete.

For the first time in my life, though,
I learned how to believe in myself.

It took you NOT believing to show me that I could.
Thank you for opening my eyes.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

People Never Change.


Sure, it's easy to say we can change..
Just as easy as the way we can change our appearances, our moods, our outfits, or our views on life.
It's not hard to act like a new person, or even to truly believe you have come a long way.

The truth is, when the going gets tough, our real character shows through.
Because when we are skating on thin ice, when our backs are up against walls, and when we feel tested and belittled,
those are the moments when we stop trying to be anything other than the people we always were.

No masks. No facades. No face-paint.
No pretty little exterior with the white-picket fences.

When the spotlight is burning directly in our faces, blinding our eyes,
we stop trying to change. We stop pretending we don't care.
Those are the moments in life when our true characters are defined and displayed.

Change... If you say it enough, (as with any word), it begins to feel foreign in your mouth. A funny word with little meaning. Totally contradicting the real definition.

Contradictions and "changes" go hand-in-hand.

Second chances are meant to reward changes, whether in action, relationships, or any other aspect of our lives.
Second chances are often given to hastily.

Honestly..

If you can't believe in change, then why even consider giving a second chance?

Stick that in your pipe & smoke it.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Strength.



But.. is that really the truth?
Sometimes, it seems that it is..
Though we are taught that we shouldn't hide the pain.

It's so confusing, right??

In all reality, the expression of strength relies mainly on the gravity or differing of every situation we encounter in our lives. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to keep things to ourselves; to try our best to put the situation behind us and leave it in the past where it belongs. On the other hand, there are times in our lives where bottling up emotions and trying to mask our pain becomes too much to handle, and we learn to open up about those experiences and use them as a learning guide to help guide us forward.

Don't let society or anyone else tell you what YOU need. The only person who could honestly know you well enough to determine the ways that you live your life is yourself. You. The person staring back from the reflection in the mirror that hangs in your bathroom. The only person who knows every little detail about your heart, soul, mind, past and present. Don't ever let anyone's advice deter you from that of your own heart.

Strength comes in many forms.
Strength comes to those who make the effort to find it.

Strength isn't by any means easy to have or to use. It takes determination, confidence and will-power. It takes the attitude of an optimist. It takes more than an "I need.." attitude; rather, it requires the whole "I believe and I CAN.." state of mind. Strength is nothing more than the will to succeed/live/dream/become, hidden between eight simple letters.

Take it how you want it.
Use it in a way that will better your life.

Never doubt the power of emotional strength.

Believe me..
It's every bit as promising and rewarding as you want it to be.
All it takes is YOU.

"Stay."


This song chokes me up every time I hear it..
It's beautiful. It's easy to relate to. It's wrong. But it's so true.




Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Curious.

Does anyone read this thing? If no one is, that's fine, because I'm writing for me.. But I'm curious to know, regardless.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Combating Insomnia...

We will call it insomnia for the time being,
because, by any other description, it would hardly make any sense at all.

It's 4:42 in the morning.
I've been lying awake with the off-set balance of my dreams and reality weighing heavily on my mind.
Frustration. Hope. Ideas. Realizations. More frustration.

Another "plan" won't be becoming my next step in life...
Though, for once, the reason is merely due to a CHANGE in plans.
Rhode Island. New England. Family. Friends.
Cali can come in time. Right now, I need this more than ever.

I have debt to settle.. Transcripts to fix.. Classes to register for.. Money that needs to be made.. "See ya later!"'s to be said.. Loose ends to tie up.. Belongings to be packed.. Transportation issues to be solved..

Pandomonium. Chaos. Hectic mindsets. Constant scatterbrain activity. Panic.

As if reality weren't pressing enough...

I have so many unanswered questions still bouncing around inside of my head. So many issues that were never settled. So many people I can't figure out, or just leave in the past. Many colors, many shades, many levels of pain, confusion, unsettling and wondering.

Simply a few people I would love to open up to:

I will always be in love with you.. But I have to move on. I can't continue to sit & wait, or to play these games anymore.
You'll never realize how great my dislike for you has become. Keep trying to sabotage my happiness. Fake bitches never win.
You led me on, lied to me, cost me money that I could definitely use right now... & for what, really?? You gained nothing...
"Just friends" was fine when you were hurting, but couldn't be enough when I needed it to be that way.. Instead, you ditch and start rumors.
Hey nose-biter.. Your ex never knew about me, so why am I almost wishing that she had? Am I feeling that forgotten in the scheme of things?
You are a funny, wonderful person.. and it kills me that everyone forgets about me when you come around. I hate being the "sidekick".
You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend, but swore it was ending with her.. 2 months ago when we last talked. What?!
I really love you, girl.. That's why I'm always there. So return the favor. We all have problems we want to talk about, too.
NC would have been nice. I'm just saying.

Anonymous dedicated venting sessions. Epic. Could be endless. I had to stop.
One day... One day, I'll know the answers. That, or I'll forget to care.
If only indifference and ignorance came free.

Nash called me out on being a romantic.
That is the cause to most of my problems.
I can't leave things well enough alone.

"And THERE's your sign."

Thank you, blue-collar comedy. Oh, Jeff Foxworthy.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Strictly Quotes.


There's something about death that is comforting. The thought that you could die tomorrow frees you to appreciate your life now.
Angelina Jolie

I like someone who is a little crazy but coming from a good place. I think scars are sexy because it means you made a mistake that led to a mess.
Angelina Jolie

I'm anal retentive. I'm a workaholic. I have insomnia. And I'm a control freak. That's why I'm not married. Who could stand me?
Madonna

I view my job as being someone who is supposed to piss people off. I don't want to be just one-of-the-guys. I don't want to be just a smiling face you see on television presenting some vapid kind of easily- digestible garbage. This is rock and roll. I want to be a rock and roll star! Rock and roll is about shaking things up, making people act and react. That's what I do.
Marilyn Manson

Sometimes I lie awake at night and I ask, "Why me?", then a voice answers "Nothing personal, your name just happened to come up."
Peanuts

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves and then we have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.
Peanuts

You can be true to the character all you want but you've got to go home with yourself.
Julia Roberts

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.
George Burns

Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In face of what we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that make us hold it together.
Grey's Anatomy


I am a thing of beauty.
Frank Sinatra

The moment you start analyzing your own rock is the moment your rock is dead. That's why rock is now pretty much dead. Too much analyzation. No rockalyzation!
Jack Black

Sunday, July 6, 2008

ResearchPapers.

"Jump in headfirst, who cares if it hurts?"
-park-


I am a nerd when it comes to writing.
On the flip-side, I'm anti-school, and pro-procrastination.
Believe me... The two go hand-in-hand better than peanut butter & jelly on bread.
That's saying A LOT.

I put off a 2,000+ word research paper until the day it is due.
Currently, I am hardly 1,000 words deep, and I have less than 1.5 hours to finish,
before I miss the submission deadline.

Am I stressing?

Nope...

I'm clearly insane, right?
I'm a slacker; I must not care if I don't make it, correct?

Nope!!

I get on tangents.
When I get rambling, I get excited.
The only thing standing in my way is the jumble of thoughts in my head,
and the uncertainty of what to put where, and what to replace with which words.

Needless to say, my mind is racing.
I thought of a billion fantastic things to write for my research paper,
and i'm bursting at the thought of how fabulous it all will tie in...

I just seem to be having trouble focusing on it.
Blogs, comments, emails, music, lyrics...
ADD is getting the best of me right now.

Yet I'm still gaining my composure.
I've never really been one to TRULY stress over school..
Not in anything except for tests, that is.

I'm sitting at my desk, stoked on a research paper about cloning.
What kind of freak am I, really!?

Please don't answer that.

<3

"It's how disaster makes me smile. The thought strikes as nice once in a while. One more connection cut off by affection. One tank short on gas, one bullet built to crash. These broken lungs have little air left, if some. The cause and effect is as simple as a car wreck."
-park-

Friday, July 4, 2008

Independence.


One year ago, on July 1st, we lost a brave soldier in Baghdad...
He was 20 years old, in a foreign country, representing and protecting the rights and freedom of all of us here in the United States.

Anyone who grew up with or knew Jonathan was indeed privileged...
It is with the highest honor and respect that we remember people like Jon this week, and especially on this day... A day when we celebrate our freedom.

Without brave people like Jon, who have fought for our rights and freedom for hundreds of years, we wouldn't be here today lighting fireworks, grilling by poolside, or drinking beers with our closest friends.... We wouldn't be celebrating freedom, liberty and justice. We wouldn't know the meaning of "independence".


So everyone, on this great day, when you are 'cheers!'ing your friends, soaking up the sun, and watching beautiful fireworks displays, PLEASE take a moment to truly know and appreciate the reason we are able to do all of it. Remember your soldiers, who are overseas serving and defending this great nation. Remember the lives of those we have lost in duty. Let this day be not just a celebration of our freedom, but also, a celebration of the wonderful men and women who work to keep that freedom for us, day in and out.


Happy Fourth of July. <3


RIP Jonathan Michael Rossi (07/01/2007)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Personal.


"Why did you not show up?
I waited for an hour and finally gave up
I thought once that I saw you, I thought that you saw me
I guess we'll never meet now
It wasn't meant to be
I was sure that you saw me, but it wasn't meant to be."
-stars-

Tuesday, July 1, 2008


"You have a way of coming easily to me,

& when you take, you take the very best of me.."
-taylor swift-

This post needs no explanation.
I just have too many things going on in my head.

I'm so glad I have one of my best friends back...
I'm glad I got to spend the weekend with people who have become family to me...
God works in mysterious ways, sometimes.

I'm still trying to figure out so many of the things thrown at me.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Honestly...


"I wish I knew then he was only lying."

-johncrook-


I can preach about forgiveness all day long, and how rejuvenating and purifying a feeling it is to forgive someone who has truly wronged you...

... thing is, despite it all, I'm still, like you, human.
I still have my moments where I wrongfully take joy at the expense of other peoples happiness. Where I celebrate watching other people in misery. Where hearing someone else cry makes me feel good inside... Not the slightest bit of remorse, sympathy or guilt.

Call me the devil... I enjoy seeing karma take its toll on the deserving.


I'm not condoning this behavior at all... Though I know everyone has their moments. Perhaps it is all of the bitterness that has built up inside of me, that turns me into someone so cruel... Though most people don't see me as anything but a doormat. The nice girl, the clingy type. Easily attached; always hurt; too guarded, but most of
the time too naive. So maybe it's okay to be something that no one expects now and then.

I love when people who should stay in the past come back, and make you wish they had never existed in the first place. Talk about an easy way to forget someone!

Even more... I love when someone who has wronged you terribly has the nerve to come back and wish you well. No apologies, no mature "I was wrong" excuses, nothing. Just a "well wish" from someone who put you through stress, misery, agony, anything.

I love the way I can fake a smile and say, "Thanks. You too..", while inside, I'm thinking of all the ways that I hope karma beats the crap out of them... & silently hoping it happens soon after.

Ahhhhh.

This reads like a bitter entry, but in all actuality, I'm sitting here with a grin on my face.

See?? I can be deceiving, too.



Sunday, June 22, 2008

Thought.

"I will not be the first one to speak, and if he never calls me again,
i'll always think of him fondly... as an asshole."
(Sex in the City)

It's hard to "hold out" and try to "play the game" back, when you aren't even sure if there IS anything to be holding out for, or if there are any games being played.

Not communicating ANYTHING is an absolutely unfair, immature and cowardice way to deal with things. It isn't even "dealing" with anything at all... It's running away from it. Avoiding it.


Grow up.

This is the point in time where I stop over-looking and making excuses for the other party. Where I stop giving out the "benefit of the doubt", and quit trying to hold out the tiniest glimmer of hope. Where I uncross my fingers and actually force myself to realize and accept that, no matter how hard I would like to believe there is the slightest chance something is still there, in all actuality, there isn't anything at all. Because if there was, I'd have been communicated with.. or confronted.. or at least given the "peace out" before disappearing.


Silence?
Conversating about it with someone they claimed to "dislike",
while continuing to keep me in the dark?


I'm not bitter. I don't hold grudges. I don't need constant reassurance, and I'd be fine not speaking for weeks on end... IF I was told upfront to expect it. Or told SOMETHING. Anything. Call me crazy. Call me old-fashioned. I call it reasonable and courteous.

I AM extremely disgusted with the manner in which this situation has (or hasn't) been dealt with, and I'm greatly disappointed to find out that, once again, I've given someone too much credit and tried to see them for so much better a person than they really are. I have lost a ton of respect for this person, because while they never claimed to "always be there", they made it a point to assure me that they would be honest. Broken trust = NO respect.


I've chased people before. I refuse to chase anyone, because I'm too good to be doing that. If someone truly is worth my time, they can come to me. As much as I'd like to tell people how horrible they really are, and as much as I'd like to call them out on being jerks, scumbags, douchebags, etc... I'd rather them have silence from my end instead.

Too bad, really..
I'm still so confused.

People don't do what you did, say what you said, act the way you acted... all to disappear.

Who are you?

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Raining...

and if you cry out loud, it'll only make me feel too good.
-coheed&cambria-


I'll move the knife to show you of my cut
with worst of truth from here I drew no blood.
So you're not as real just what I thought up..
You’re just a page I’ll burn from a book
That has nothing to show.
-coheed&cambria-


Good times for a change,
See the luck i've had
Would make a good man turn bad.
So please please please
Let me let me let me
Let me get what i want
This time.
Haven't had a dream in a long time.
See, the life i've had would make a good man bad..
So for once in my life,
Let me get what i want.
Lord knows it would be the first time.
-deftones-


i need something i want to be close to and i scream, but i still don't know why i do it.
because the sound never stays it just swells and decay.
sso what is the point? why try to fight what is now so certain?
the truth is all that i am is a passing event that will be forgotten.
-bright eyes-


touch, lying on the floor, wishing this could last
but knowing that it can't, and soon you will leave,
and i will be on the floor, watching the tv,
trying hard to find a reason to move.
i'm frozen in one place, staring at the screen,
listening to the rain falling on the street.
some days go on too long.
and there is nothing more i want than just one night
that's free of doubt and sadness.
one night that i can really feel.
-bright eyes-


and me, i'm in the bathroom crying out my eyelids,
because it's hard to be a [wo]man when you are scared like a little kid.
the world has become a little too mean, and i can't see the point of patient love,
when everyone just wants to get fucked.
-bright eyes-


and this is the sound of the hopeless ones
as they stare down at their books, and realize they have been lied to.
but if this is real, then i was mistaken, and the vision fades as quickly as it came.
consistency like that which i have craved is that people change so unexpectedly,
and realization finds you in a drunken airport.. some planes depart and others never arrived.
so with this in mind, i don't plan on waiting.
-bright eyes-


It will be blessed by her eyes on the gulf coast of Florida.
With her feet in the sand and one hand on her swimsuit, she will recite the prayer of my pen.
Saying, '...time take us forward. Relief from this longing.'
-bright eyes-


And now I've read some books and I've grown quite brave.
If I could just speak up, I think I would say that there is no truth.
There is only you and what you make the truth.
-bright eyes-


I could do good with some explaining. You know. I want to understand.
-bright eyes-


You made my head ache.
You were that great, but now you're gone and life is wonderful.
There is no singing. There is no swinging too.
There is no dancing. There is no missing you.
-bright eyes-


but like a dream, you disappeared
without a sound, without a trace..
even if I knew what to say to you,
it's just to late to make you stay.
I'm sick of fighting this broken fate.
-daphne loves derby-


those nights disappeared like words written in the sand,
and we think it makes us better off
and then we laughed about the loss,
but there's a thousand miles of pavement between you and I.
I'd drive another hour just to get me home tonight,
but you don't have the eyes to see.
-halfway home-


it was a big mistake to let me memorize your face.
-copeland-


Princess, rest.
We’ll talk in our sleep, but I wouldn’t dare to sit too close.
I can’t be your prince.
-envy on the coast-


You're nothing but a cocktail hour with an open bar,
and the dance floor is begging for your feet.
-envy on the coast-

On A Roll Today...


"If you don't go after what you want, you will never have it.
If you don't ask, the answer will always be 'No'."

I'm not going to sit back and watch life pass me by.
I've seen it happen to too many people.

I've been observing things in my life recently..
Trying to get a grasp on what it is I really do need,
what things are negative, bringing me down...
How to fix myself. To not be walked all over. To be happy all the time.

Seems the answer is in leaving.

I love my friends here to no end.
They have been with me through some of the hardest times of my life.
They always have my back, no matter what.
They love me unconditionally, even when I screw up bad.
I couldn't ask for better people in my life.

So yes, leaving them will be absolutely painful and so hard..
But because they are so wonderful,
I know that they will still be here for me,
whether we are separated by 5 minutes, or 3000 miles.

I have support.
I have goals.
I have determination.
I have motivation..

I need to put it all into action.

I've been on an emotional high all day.
No, not upset emotions...
I mean I've been happy. REALLY happy.
I've given a lot of things consideration.
I've come to the conclusion that I let myself get phased by too many things.
Not anymore!!!

For everyone who has ever wronged me,
for everyone who has ever broken my heart,
for everyone who has disrespected me or hurt me intentionally,
for everyone who has ever lied to me, cheated me, etc...
For everyone who said they'd be there, and weren't...
for everyone who has led me on...
for everyone who has broken my trust...
for everyone who has wrongfully blamed me, or slandered my name...
and for everyone who has disappeared from my life with no explanation...

I FORGIVE YOU.

I have no room in my life for anger or bitter feelings toward anyone.
I'm a great person, an incredible friend, a rare catch.
If people couldn't/can't see that,
THEIR LOSS.
Not my problem.
Not worth crying over, or stressing about.
Not worth trying to fix or correct.
I'm forgiving everything, and letting go.

People who see, appreciate and respect the REAL me
are the people who love me,
and the only people worth being in my life.

I'm not wasting anymore time on trying to win people over,
or get people back,
or convince people that they should be with me.
Why force things that don't want you?!

I have friends that others would kill to have.
I have a family that will always be there.
I have faith and confidence and love.
I believe in myself.

I'm a lucky girl.

Someday, I'll find someone who sees that,
and won't ever let me go.

I'll wait forever, as lonely as it may be..
Because I refuse to settle for anything less.

I refuse to settle for someone who doesn't give me butterflies.
I refuse to settle for someone who can't give me the time of day.
I refuse to settle for for broken promises.
I refuse to settle for affection and love one minute, and disappearances the next.
I'm TOO used to that.

Be different.

& guys, I know that so many of you are incredible and rare,
and would treat me better than I could imagine..
and I have so many male friends who get so angry
at all of the pain I put myself through time after time..
I always hear, "why do you go for people like that,
when you could have me?"

The answer??

You ARE so great. You really are.
But you are who you are in my life because I need you to be there.
If I don't feel that type of connection, or that type of attraction,
or any feelings other than friendly ones,
then I'm not going to date you,
as AMAZING and sweet and rare as you are.
Yes, it is my loss,
but in actuality, I'm losing nothing,
because I get to have a friend like you in my life.
I won't be with someone who I don't feel passion for,
because that is forcing things,
and that will leave one or both of us miserable down the road.
PLEASE know and respect that.

<3

"You can always find her in the bottom of a plastic cup,
drowning in drunk sincerity, a sad & lonely girl."
-plus44-

Friday, June 20, 2008

Christina Lauren..

...is one of my absolute best friends in the entire world. She is a lot like me in many ways. She writes her feelings for people to see. She over-analyzes situations, and too often gives people the benefit of the doubt when they least deserve it, because she tries hard to justify every action, in hopes that people really aren't as terrible as they appear... Even when they really are. She isn't afraid to be emotional, or to show the world that she is. She cares for people who have trampled over her time and again, because she is a damn good person, and doesn't let insignificant, petty things change who she is. On that note, she's also much more forgiving, and much less bitter than I am. I applaud her GREATLY for that... and for constantly trying to be strong and there for people, when it's taking everything inside of her to even stand up and leave the house. For forgiving, and re-forgiving, and making time for people who have stabbed her in the back, because it's the right thing to do. I don't know how she does it... but I do know that I can only try to be as wonderful a person she is.

I'm quoting you, Chris.. This came from a blog she posted last year, and reading over it today, I can relate in so many ways.



By Christina Lauren Clous:

"If you know me you know i'm different from most people... I say what few attempt to... I'm very in touch with my feelings and my emotions... most people don't know how to handle it... they would rather ignore the obdvious... they live their lives in a bubble without emotions...

in my bubble you matter. Maybe you will never give me the satisfaction of knowing that I ever really mattered.... or give the respect and credit I deserve.... The only satisfaction I need comes from within now... cause I have done everything in my power to help others... to keep peace... to let them know who I am and what I'm thinking whether you want to hear it or not.

So here I stand. I am at a point in my life where anything is possible and i'm taking my chances... I'm not sure what the future holds but I am hopeful...I've taken chances before... landed flat on my face and I got right back up... and I have everyone who supported me to thank. I fucking worked my ass off to be where I am right now and thats somethig no one can take away from me...

...sometimes I miss having all who are dear to me being a phone call or a ten minute drive away... instead now I keep in touch through voicemails, e-mail and messages on myspace.

Life is busy and ever changing.... stay strong... make every minute count.... do the best you can to make a difference in peoples lives. Thats what I strive for.... I'm praying for my dear friend and for the health and happpiness of all those that I care for...

... even if it's been a minute or two... I forgive you... even if you never asked me to... I still forgive you for not being there.... even though all I wanted you to see was the best in me..."