Stranded.

Tell me my next move.

Is anyone out there?
Does anyone want to help?

"Are you there, God?
It's me, Carissa..."

I need an intervention.
From God..
Or someone.
Or something.

Anything out there that's listening.
Actually listening.

I don't know what to do next.

Roll the dice.
Spin the wheel.
Flip over that card you're holding.
Let me pass GO & collect my $20 already.

Just move me from this spot.
Move me back a bit.
Move me far forward.

Move me somewhere new and exciting.

Anywhere but here.

Being stuck in this moment is unsettling.
Not knowing my next move,
my next living situation,
my plans for the future,
who really IS in my life,
and where things really stand...
It's sending me in circles.

I can't continue doing circles.
I get dizzy far too quickly.


So help me out here.

Listen UP.

I don't like to be viewed as "convenient".


Correction:

I am NOT a convenience.


However, some people don't seem to get that.

For example:

"Car, you're so cool to talk to.... [when it's convenient for me]
"I miss you... [because I don't have anyone else to miss]
"Come over and hang out with me... [since I'm bored]

NO!!!

I'm not stupid.

I'm not your back-up plan. I'm not a distraction. I'm not the "side-girl", "side-friend", "side-attraction", when all else fails. I'm not the last resort.

If I'm any of that to anyone, they are nothing to me. From now on. End of story.

Because I'm sick of being there for people to vent to, laugh with, play emotion-games with... and then the minute I need anything in return, they aren't there. It's bullshit! and quite frankly, I'm too good for it.

Why don't people get that?!?!?!



(Side-note: CA in 9)

Bring It Back.

Please.
I can't take this anymore.


This isn't what I signed up for.
Or what it started out like.
In any way.

Dear God.

((By: Avenged Sevenfold.))

The lyrics get me. Read them.
If you read this.. Tell me. I need to know its been given thought.

"A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find"

Brutality.

Since I had to stay awake, I killed WAYYY too much time online.


-I added things to sell on my Ebay account.

-I brought back old photo albums on my myspace.

-I re-vamped my page. (REAL boredom. Oh Lord.
)
-I wrote some new blog material.

-I actually went through some emails, thus bringing the Inbox number back below "1000" (Sad. I know.
)
-I found potential summer internships in different states.



And now I'm exhausted, but I'm scared that if I fall asleep, I won't wake up in time...

Brutal.


Red Sox game tomorrow.
Woooo!!!!
No work for 4 days (again). Yeeessss.

Last exam of the semester is Wednesday. Thank God.

Kim comes back from Tally this week... I'm stoked :-)
Hotel on Treasure Island with Jules next weekend for Cinco de Mayo.. <33
Cali in 11 days... Holy crap, that's soon.

My birthday (in CA) in 12 days.
How has a year passed?!


Many, many good things in the next 2 weeks alone.

Ooo La la... Auto-Bio Rant.

In a nutshell..
I'm extremely different. Treat me like it.
"People like you are why people like me exist."
I have a bad-habit of over-analyzing.
Don't say I never warned you.
I'm sarcastic, not a bitch.
I'll do anything for my bests.
Money does NOT phase me. I prefer picnics & $4 champagne over dressy restaurants & expensive jewels ANY day..
I adore words and melodies.
Screw umbrellas.. I'm always up for playing in the rain.
I DON'T tolerate crap. At ALL.
I'm a little too silly, sometimes.
Buy me a beer, we'll get along great.
Be different than everone else.
I only accept honesty. I hate fakes.

"Lord knows, I can't change."

I take life as it comes.
I have faith.
"I live with what I've known."
I miss a lot of people from my past.
I'm overly content with headphones, wine & a hot bath.
Smiling gets me deep down.
I write about everything.
I NEVER forget.
If you care about me, show me. Don't ever cut back.
Treat me differently than "other girls".
Be random..
I just may love you for it.

Missing...

When I'm missing a lot of things at once, I feel a deep void inside.

It leaves me hollow and in question.
Opening closed (or semi-closed) doors. (Or trying to, at least).
Stuck once again in memories.
Wishing things were different.

But things aren't different. They won't be different. They are the way they are for a reason, and they can't (won't) ever be the same again.

This is life.

We don't make the rules. We don't get much say in how the game is played. We are merely pawns, cardboard or plastic cut-outs, and the next place we land is determined by the card-holder. The dice-tosser. The banker. Ultimately, overall, the rule-book. It goes without saying that cheating life is much more difficult than cheating a silly board-game. If it were that easy, we'd all be doing it.

(NOTE: By 'cheating life', I don't mean 'cheating IN life'... Everyone does that. Whether on tests or on partners, people 'cheat IN life'. 'Cheating life' means skating by. Avoiding the struggles. Bypassing anything hard or painful. 'Cheating life.')

I was reminded tonight that I deserve the world. That I'm better than I let people give me credit for. That I'm a smart girl, I'm going places. I AM going places, and I don't care what obstacles are in my way. I'm prepared. I'll face them. I view every challenge as a learning block.. A stepping stone. I'm going to cross them. Jump them. Run past them with both middle fingers high in the air, if I need to. I've come far enough to know that I'm better than the bullshit people throw at me.

But 'cheating life' means getting away scotch-free... I wear many bruises. Many scars. Many stories that define who I am. That's fine with me... But feeling void sometimes is one of the most unsettling feelings that I think anyone can have.

I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy.

I have a great family. Wonderful friends. An amazing guy.
I'm young, I'm healthy, and I have the world in my favor.
I'm motivated. I'm determined. I'm stubborn.
I work hard. I'm a smart girl. I've learned more than most in just 20 years.

I'm happier than most people will ever be.

It doesn't erase the "missing" things in my life.

I miss innocence, sometimes.
I miss good friends who time stole or changed.
I miss deep conversations that meant anything.
I miss academic satisfaction.
I miss drama-free situations.

I miss being close to people who I thought would be there forever.
I miss chances that I never took.

Right now, I miss living closer to Chrissy & Wang.
I miss silly, random sleepovers with Kim.
I miss pier talks and grey's anatomy/wine-fests.
I miss summer adventures in Easton & Mansfield with Steph.
I miss Barnes & Nobles nights a few times a week, for studying (or NOT).
I miss taking off spontaneously with Kourt.
I miss porch-nights in South Tampa.
I miss shit-talking nights & USF nights with Jaclyn.
Heck, I even miss sobfest phone calls, outside in my bare feet with Jac.
I miss the week I spent in New Orleans with K, Nick and Art.
I miss those typical "Bourbon Street Style", "we-like-to-party" all-nighters.
I miss being at Tahoe with my family, on our balcony, in the snow...
I miss picking berries at my grandparents house with my siblings, Steph & Erica, when we were little.
I miss dressing up in Grandma's clothes.
I miss Governor Dummer times. We always had the best times there.
I miss sandcastle competitions.
I miss Ship, pre-gossip. Back in the days of Dre, Flounder & Ariel.
I miss Massachusetts at Christmas.
I miss New Jersey in the fall.
I miss Kev's musical practices.. I loved them, actually.
I miss hugs & talks from Aunt Barb, and Uncle Jay's chicken/cream of mushroom soup/rice dish.
I miss LBI last summer, with the Moorestown crew, Dan & Matt.
I miss Florida B.S., before college times. With my boys. Beach times. Breaking rules. Dock talks.
I miss being close to JD and Art.
I miss when being friends was just that. Never more. It never turns out well.
I miss summer '06.. The trip to Orlando with Dharyl & Justin & Josh. Timeshares, food, Old-Town, Islands of Adventure, waterparks, etc.
I miss seeing Lynz, Sari, Jess, Kim.. The Jersey girls.
I miss being Sarah's FORK.
I miss plans to move out of this state. Mass, Chicago, NY, Cali... I never made it out.
I miss my long-hair.
I miss cherry-tomatoes straight of my Grandma Pride's garden in RI.
I miss baby-sitting the twins when they were little babies.
I miss talking about my dads records with him in Apollo Beach.
I miss spring breaks on Clearwater Beach. OLD Clearwater Beach.
I miss HoCo back when it was legit. Drunk nights, cool crowd, always hanging out.
I miss when Thunder was a puppy, and used to dig out of the yard.. I miss being annoyed at having to chase him.
I miss Orlando nights circa October '06. "Bubbly". Bathroom smokes. 8am breakfasts.
I miss thinking that closing at 1am was late.
I miss being driven in school.
I miss making my parents proud.
I miss being naive to everything sucky around me.
I miss pretending to be asleep with my siblings when we were little, so that my parents would carry us inside after car-rides home from night-time events.
I miss reading all the time.
I miss Cinderella nightgowns.
I miss Devil Rays games with my dad and brother.
I miss driving my mom to work when we shared a car.
I miss creative writing class.
I miss not paying rent. (In some ways.)
I miss the excitement of a brand new apartment.
I miss realism.
I miss Naya being down the hall already.
I miss all-night Family Guy/comedy fests, falling asleep on the couch with her.
I miss NOT BEING SICK!!!


I had to get it out.
Lots of little things.
20 years worth.
There are more.
But I needed to list just a few.

Don't mistake this for anything other than the need to write.
I kind of miss doing that, too.

But I'm happy.
Semester's over next week.
I have two weeks to breathe and clear my head before summer classes.
I go to Cali on the 8th.
My birthday is the 9th.
I get to see my man.
I might move this summer.

Pheeewwwww.

return.

Things need to stay where they belong. Stat. This is nothing like before.

I don't follow other agendas. I don't believe lies. I don't understand why either exist, or why people find the need to be so fake and judgemental.

"High and mighty."
"Better than you."
"Holier than thou."
"The shit."

WHATEVER.

Gag me.



CA in 2 weeks.
Boy, do i need this.

Growing Back the Long Hair...

Strange.

Today, I purchased a cd at the mall with Naya, and as we were walking out to the car, I was talking about something while I started opening it, and as I cracked the case open, I looked at the piece of paper atop the cd, and there was my babe. That shut me up quick.. Didn't expect to see that there! Hello...

Chenaya leaves in 2 hours. It's 4:20 on 4/21.

((I'm a little late on the coinciding time/date thing, so that was a completely useless fact... I'm aware.))

I'm going to miss the heck out of that girl.

Currently:
Woodale - "Here"
Dear Juliet - "I'm Ready"
Bedlam Stories - "Touch"
Avenged Sevenfold - "Seize the Day"
Matchbook Romance - "Lovers & Liars"
American Football - "Letters & Packages"
Colbie Caillat - "Magic"
City and Colour - "Cross My Heart"
Park - "Conversations with Emily"
12 Stones - "Hey Love"

Time-travel..

Caroline and I are making a time-machine.

We want to go back a month or two..

Back to when things were completely different.



-Naya hadn't signed up for the marines
-my grades weren't suffering in my classes
-everything was always fun at our complex
-work was exciting
-i hadn't flipped, and things were still "heating up" w/ mn.
-we were all still "new" to the apartment, and getting close
-company was over non-stop


Now, a month later, and everything is pretty much opposite.

Naya leaves for boot camp at 6am on Monday morning...
That's so depressing, and it was worse watching her pack today.
Last night, we had one last family guy marathon.
We took one last midnight Wal-mart shopping trip for random things we don't need.

I need Cali to hurry up and get here already,
so I can be with MN. I need that bad.

Mmhmm..

May 8th.
California.
Parasols.
Bee movie.
Greys.
Cheap wine.
Pb sandwiches.
Silly pictures. Tons.
"Lovin, touchin, squeezin"



Bring it on. =)

Quotes 3.

"There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex-boyfriend."
-HJNTIY-

"it turns out, sometimes you have to do the wrong thing. Sometimes you have to make a big mistake to figure out how to make things right. Mistakes are painful, but they're the only way to find out who you really are."
-greysanatomy-

"I'm out of my element here. I break bones for a living... I used to live in the basement. Most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work. I dont give a crap what other people think about me. Because I am a happily, independent, sucessfull woman and I like it that way... only when you say stuff like this, it just.. it makes things too hard. So please, don't chase me anymore... unless you're ready to catch me."
-greysanatomy-




"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough - it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do - as long as you choose your moments wisely."
-greysanatomy-



"It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away."
-finding nemo-



"This sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants."
-bee movie-





"She's tough. She tries to hide it. She's difficult. But if you make an effort, she's worth it. She's worth the effort."
-greysanatomy-

Go.

Give me a reason to stay...

Stop giving me reasons to leave.


The more I get, the more gone I already am.

No More Apologies!!!

All day, I've been apologizing to people. Telling people I screwed up, I've been a bad friend, I did this wrong, blah blah blah.

I'm done apologizing!!!!

I took a step back and realized something... I have been a strong person for over a year and a half. I taught myself to not break, to not be weak, to not get upset over every petty thing that annoyed me or even slightly bothered me. I've been taking on other people's problems and providing an ear and a shoulder for so many people, and I've asked for nothing in return. Sure, I've had days where I needed a good cry, or where something really upset me.. But I always recovered so quickly. I have kept so many things bottled up inside of me for so long that, after awhile, really weakened and brought me down. I've been so stressed out lately, and I know it's been evident to everyone.

Finally, something happened that really broke me down... Something that maybe 5 people in my life even know about. Something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, because traumatic things don't just go away. It submersed in a way that I never expected... & that was on top of everything that has been building inside of me the past few weeks. That was the final straw. So, I flipped out. I got carried away. I told people off, I blew friends off, I annoyed the hell out of people, and I've been suffering the past few days, apologizing like crazy and letting people bring me down for what happened.

Not anymore!!!

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I don't get like that. I'm always there for my friends. I'm laid-back, and I give more than I ever even try to take. That's usually my downfall, actually. So for once, I was greedy.. & it was completely unintentional. I needed to snap. I needed to get completely trashed and make an ass out of myself. I needed to puke in a trash can. (apparently I do that?!) I needed to come home and sob on my kitchen floor to my roommates, then wake up to wonder why I had mascara stained on my cheeks. I needed the events of that night to remind me that I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF THAT. I never get like that. I'm never greedy or self-centered. I hate clingy-types, and I'm not a needy, crazy person. I'm not the type to bitch about all of MY problems first. So what's the big deal if, for once, I did!?

I'm not trying to justify anything I did, because I shouldn't have gone nuts. But it's driving me crazy that so many people are treating me differently because of that. Because of something that they have no idea about. Take a step back and try to understand that maybe there is a lot more to what happened than anyone could understand, and that, if I were actually given the chance to explain, it would all make sense. I'm sick of lowering myself and looking so insecure and WRONG, when I'm way better than that! I'm not insecure. I'm done lowering myself. It's only been a day or two, and I'm already done with that. So those of you saying dumb things to me, or chewing me out, or trying to guilt me, or treat me differently, or worse, ignore me... Shame on you.

And for all of you who DO know that I'm not like that, thank you for loving me even more. For those of you who don't, it's up to you how you want to take that. I'm a great person, and there is more to me than most people will ever know. I'm not going to continue crying over stupid issues in my life, because frankly, it's all worth fixing, or it's just not worth my time. I don't need help. I don't need to rely on other people. I know this. What I do need are people in my life who understand that, and who can understand that, while everyone has bad, bad days, mine are very few and far between, but when they do happen, those people won't dip.

SO.. On THAT note...

I'm making money. I'm finding an internship for the summer. I'm finding out where I'm going to live next. I'm buckling down on school and attempting to finish the semester out better than I started it. I'm using the next month before my birthday to weed out what I need in my life from the things that are holding me back. Then, semester ends the 30th, Cali on the 8th, and my birthday on the 9th.. Many good things to come, and I have a great feeling about them all.

I'm breathing. I'm alive. I'm blessed. I'm loved. I'm thankful. And best of all, I'm happy. Very happy.

<3

Blank.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Why can't the past ever just stay where it should be, instead of intruding in on the present time at hand, and proceeding to make everything amazing go bad...??

It's called the past for a reason.

I wish I could explain it. But I can't. Not yet.

I'm a strong girl. I've overcome alot. I don't cause problems, and I hate drama of any sort. I'm laid-back and I'm not a jealous type. I know I seem to have contradicted everything I just wrote in the past couple of days.. But please, don't base everything on those days. Please.

I feel I'm a pro at apologies. It's what I seem to do best these days.

I'm sorry.

Lyricography.

the impossible girl
a mess of a dreamer
your best bet
the aftertaste of cheap wine & bad decisions
i lied at my very first confession
i've never been too good at being good
what did you expect from me?
all you've ever wanted, what all the other girls all promised
i am better than the games that you play
i wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you
she never uses the word "addiction"
1000 lies have made me colder
wrecking this evening already & loving every minute of it
not the type to forget about nights like (this)
i will spit bullets with my pen
i'm beautiful when i'm asleep
she needs to hear it
it's me & the moon, & i've got no trouble with that
just so rock-&-roll
i'm addicted to words
its my fist vs the bottle
i'm only complaining to keep myself busy
its convincing the way i lie & leave it all behind
i'm romantic
the faith you've found, i've never felt
i've got arrogance down to a science
your best kept secret
i'm feeling young & reckless
not a rockstar, but i still tend to rock hard
i'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
i'm committed to insecurity and you
i don't give a damn if we never come home
i'm still trying
not the type that can be conned into being convinced
only as loyal as my options
this could be my chance to break out
i'm done denying the truth to anyone
i'm alive
oh christ, i have no idea what i'm doing


i can't explain myself at all.

Bad Feelings.

"I need something to happen. I just need a sign. I need a reason to go on. I need some hope. & in the absence of hope, I need to stay in bed and feel like I might die today."
-Grey's Anatomy-

Have you ever woke up to wish that it had never happened? That you had just stayed asleep forever?

Have you ever woke up to the feeling that something was going to go terribly wrong?

Today I woke up and the first thought in my head was, "I'm going to die today."

Why?????


---edit---

& m - i'm sorry i get overanalytical. you know how i feel about you. please remember that, and overlook this side of me and love me regardless.

Guilty Pleasures..

Chapstick. Quotes. Red Bull. Pajama pants. B&W photographs.
Trashy romance novels. Bubble baths. $4 bottles of wine.
Boy-shorts. Tea-lights and incense sticks. Unlimited texts.
Sappy chick-flicks. Middle-school style sleepovers. Raw cookie dough.
Wine-flavored black & milds. Lyrics. Love letters.

I Am...

"I am the girl who believes in so many things even if they must contradict with one and another, I am the girl who asks too many questions and never finds an answer, I am the girl who would spend her nights watching the stars blink across the sky, I am the same girl who likes to dig her toes into the sand, I am the girl who would continuously smile for no reason at all, I am the girl who wants to enjoy every minute of her life, I am the girl who still holds an inner child, I am the girl who wants nothing more but to watch the sunset with the wind blowing against her face, I am the same girl who believes in love even if she will never know the meaning of it…. I am the girl that I am… i'm that girl who has never told anyone about her past and yet wrote it down here for the whole world to see. I'm the girl who sat up the whole night crying because I didn't know if you were okay and i couldn't reach you. I'm the girl who laughed so hard when you sang Green Eyes and then leaned over and kissed you for it. I'm the girl who waited till you woke up on the bus and then told you that you had the most beautiful eyes I'd ever seen. I am the little girl who played teacher and house, who loved to make messes just to clean them up. I am the girl who had a passion, bordering on obsession, for reading, who collected and stored stickers in her beloved treasure “box”. I am the girl who can work out and sweat for hours and feel beautiful. I am the girl who dreams about backpacking around Europe... and WILL. I am the romantic who still believes in Happily Ever After. I am the girl who certain people chose not to talk to ever again because of terrible actions done on my part, but understand that was what I deserved. I am the music lover who continues to rediscover my love for 90s alternative, grunge and rock. I am the girl who is so much different than any other girl you'll ever meet... "

Currently.

"You turn me into somebody loved."

-the weepies-

"Sorry" - Buckcherry
"Chocolate" - Snow Patrol
"Gunslinger" - Avenged Sevenfold
"Breathe Me" - Sia
"She Talks to Angels" - Black Crowes
"Fireflies In A Steel Mill" - The Elected
"Makeup Smeared Eyes" - Juliet Sims
"Beautiful" - Bethany Dillon
"Learn to Fly" - Carbon Leaf
"The Girl" - City and Colour
"Paralytic" - Dead Poetic
"Shimmer" - Fuel
"Fire & Rain" - James Taylor
"Pretty Eyes" - Jason Reeves
"Nothing Left To Lose" - Mat Kearney
"Rock My Body" - The Higher
"Trouble Sleeping" - The Perishers
"Somebody Loved" - The Weepies
"Echo" - Trapt

"This could be the very moment
I'm aware that I'm alive."
-snow patrol-