I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Monday, December 10, 2007





Tuesday, December 4, 2007


"I have this theory that if one person can go out of their way to show compassion, then it will start a chain reaction of the same."
-Rachel Joy Scott-
(Victim of the Columbine High School massacre)

No matter what your faith...
the color of your skin...
the choices in your life...
the views held in your heart...
No matter how rich, or poor;
how loud, or shy;
religious, or completely not...

Never hesitate to show love.
To listen.
To understand.
or to help.
Never, EVER hesitate from reaching out.
It could be the reason someone else continues to live.
Please.. Reach out.

Saturday, December 1, 2007

& I Don't Understand All The Things You've Seen...

"This is to a boy who got inside my head with all the pretty things he did...

((this is because i can spell confusion with a 'K' and i can like it, its to dying in anothers arms and why i had to try it. its to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car, when the first star you see may not be a star, im not your star. isnt that what you said, what you thought this song meant?))

...Did you know I miss you???"

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


I posted a couple of things I wrote earlier on in the year.. They aren't recent, so don't worry. It's more of a view at my "journey" the past year...

I found it intriguing.



I met a guy once who reminded me that I deserve to be happy, and that love really does exist. Not just any kind of love... But the most incredible, intense kind of love that very few people think is actually out there. In fact, he came into my life right when I needed intervention most. I was bitter and cynical, and very negative toward all aspects of love and relationships. He quickly made me realize that love is NEVER a bad thing... That I just hadn't experienced yet the love that I truly deserve. He also made me learn that you can't force love... It comes to those who wait. Those who are patient; who won't take it for granted... Those who will appreciate and cherish it because they recognize how beautiful it is.

That guy will probably never read this..

But if you ever do.. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel gorgeous, both inside and out. For not giving up on me, even with all my negativity toward anything good in life. For sitting on the phone with me for hours, talking about what most people would consider only insignificant things... It meant the world to me. For asking me about my day, and actually WANTING to hear about it... and for calling to comfort me when you knew I'd had it rough. For sending me silly pictures and texts to cheer me up, and staying up to talk to me when I pulled all-nighters, right until I walked into class the next morning. For driving 14 hours based on a whim you'd had earlier that day, just to take a road-trip to come see me for a few days... No one has ever done anything remotely close to that. For being a friend to me when I needed someone to talk to, and for confiding in me when you needed a friend as well. For taking me on the most romantic date I've ever been on... and being an absolute gentleman about everything. For never pushing me, when most guys in your position would have. For giving me hope. You changed me. It took awhile to realize it, because for a long time, I was really hurt... I was angry. I won't ever understand the tension, or why things are so bitter.. But I respect you and your decisions, even if they cut me out of your life forever. I miss talking to you, because you understood me like not many people do. You were a great friend to me... A great inspiration. You made the future feel possible and exciting again. You brought life back into my heart and my mind, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I'll never forget the impact you made on me.

Thank you for saving me..



i just typed an entire post
and x'ed out by accident.
i might cry...

it's 6 am and i can't sleep.
i wish i could sleep...
i hate laying awake and thinking...

i could be lying awake and feeling sorry for myself..
or, even better, i could be reassuring myself that things are good.
but instead, i'm doing an unhealthy combination of the two,
and it's doing a little more than screwing with my mind..
i hate it.

am i pathetic for thinking about things,
and for feeling sad that "things" ended over 2 months ago?
i'm usually good at putting things behind me,
but for some reason, i can't shake thoughts of him...

i don't know if he ever thinks of me..
i'd like to think that he does, but i'm not so sure.
all i know is that i hope i brought a little happiness into his life..
i tried so hard. ya know?

it was real, right??
even if it was only what, a month long?
yeah... it was real.
i'd been through hell,
and he made things seem okay again...
something like that doesn't come around often...

i feel like i screwed something up,
and i don't even know how i did...
i feel like i lost something truly amazing,
and in fact, i know that i did....

i wish i knew what went so terribly wrong...

i can't listen to certain songs, or to certain bands,
without remembering certain times and memories...
every single time i go to the beach,
i can't help but remember the most romantic date i've ever been on...

i hate that i'm sitting here, hung up on things,
when i probably look really lame for doing so...
i've had long relationships, and i've had alot
of really hard crap in my life...
& here i am, dwelling on this...

i miss getting excited every time my phone went off..
i miss cute little picture messages that made me smile.


i wish it had been left with what you said..
that, when we figure our lives out,
maybe we'll meet up again...

now i feel like that will never happen,
because i'm pretty sure you hate me...
i don't know what changed so fast...

i wish you knew that i never ONCE didn't respect you
or anything you've been through...
i thought you knew i did with all of my heart.
i tried to understand and be a good friend..
i really did try.


alright, i'm done.
i just needed to clear my mind.



all i want you to know is that i care about you.
i still think about you now & then, and even if i never
cross your mind again, it doesn't matter to me.
you were sweeter to me in just one month than any guy has
ever been in any amount of time.

It gave me hope, ya know?
i'll never understand why things went downhill the way they did,
but i do know that for just a small amount of time,
someone really cared about me.
that meant alot to me. all of it. it still does.
i still have the rose you gave me on the first date,
and there are alot of things i miss about you.
no one else would stay up all night on the phone with me,
or read all of my lame surveys and whatnot.
so it really sucks to know i can't have that...
but at the same time, i'm so lucky i had that, even if it only lasted so long.

So... i'm cheesy and lame, and that's all i wanted to say.
i hate that we don't talk and that things fell apart the way that they did.
i hope that someday you'll think about me, too..
but if you don't, thank you.


It's amazing how much life can change in just one year. Friends, jobs, relationships, feelings and mind-set's can come and be gone in just a matter of moments... and it's the way we respond that will truly either "make or break" us, molding us into either better or less of a person. Someone once said that, "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." In times of even the greatest suffering, society expects us to fail or give up fighting. Overcoming the toughest hurdles is proof that strength & determination are neccessary to triumph in life. Many believe that love can conquer everything... A fallacy that turns out to be the downfall of a great amount of believers. Love cannot solve or fix problems on it's own. People must have the will to solve the problems first. Without the will, it is worthless and pointless to even fight.

I had the will to survive. To get past my shortcomings and depression, and find myself... To put the past behind me, and use what experiences I've had as building blocks and learning guides... As tools to help shape my future. In just the past year, I've found myself to be so much stronger than I ever thought I was capable of. I was eager and open to change, and my will to NOT give up is what helped me build confidence again. I'm happy now... Something I didn't think I'd ever be. I can listen to love songs and smile. I can do so many things now that I never thought possible, and I find that so encouraging. Life has trampled all over me, but it will never keep me down. I'm pro-living, pro-laughter.. and how pro-ANYTHING is someone who is always down?! After all, we DO only live once... I'd rather not waste any more living on misery. I deserve to love & dream & smile... and finally, I can.


"If you ever said you missed me, then don't say you never lied..." (Br&new)

For the most part, people are afraid of change. They are afraid that, by changing things, they are erasing memories or re-writing the past. It's the reason why people live in denial, continuing their lives under a tremendous fog. It is the reason that they busy themselves, leaving little time to dwell, or to realize that things are never going to be the same as they once were. We try to avoid drastic changes because sudden change makes us feel guilty. It overwhelms us. Because suddenly, without warning, everything that we once had & knew to be normal can be gone for good.

For example, the text messages that I still, to this day, have saved to my phone. The most random of messages that, at one time, meant the world to me.. Or simply just brought a smile to my face. The messages that, upon reflection, bring me back to a certain time in my lief when I thought I had it figured out... At least for a little while. The messages from several characters in my life that I still can't allow myself to forget or delete.. For absolutely no reason at all. It's not that I'm living in denial... I'm not. It's not being hung up on the past, either. It's just something inside of me that won't allow me to NOT hold on to those tiny fractions of my life that are still held so close to my heart... In hopes that I'll never forget any little part of this journey I've been on for quite some time now.

It's to dried-out roses that still hang from our ceilings, and simple treasures we still keep in a shoebox under our beds. It's to teddy bears and blankets we still sleep with or near, and old pictures in frames that we "never got around to changing out." It's to dozens of barely-dented journals and scrapbooks, and bags that never got unpacked after those nights we'd hoped would have lasted forever. It's to certain songs and the way they move us... & not ever being able to hear the songs the same way again. It's to holding our pasts a little tighter each day, for fear of forgetting the best memories...

April '07 (part 3)

It's 2 am and I'm laying awake again, waiting... Waiting for exhaustion to consume me... Waiting for clarity to wash over me, to finally give me closure and to finally wipe away the memories and questions... Waiting for "an absolution that will never come." Too many nights before this have been spent the same way.. But why? I'm happy now. I've moved on. He's moved on. I've found strength, and more importantly, myself. It's been a struggle and one hell of a journey, but I've made it. Yet still, times like these can't just leave me well enough alone.

Memories haunt me. Not being able to remember scares me in ways that I didn't know were
possible. I don't remember what it felt like to touch his skin, to be in his arms, to kiss him... I don't remember the way his hair smelled, or the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me... Not being able to remember is draining me. I wish I could. I wish I could remember, just so I could remember what it feels like to be loved. I miss someone loving me. I'll never have my closure. One night we were getting back together; the next, he was fooling around with his new girlfriend. He's still with her. She sleeps in my old bed. She lives in my old room. She has my old life. She took over everything that used to be mine. I don't like this. I don't like dwelling in the past, or wasting time or tears on him. He doesn't deserve it, and I know I'm so much better off without him. So why can't I just forget? I wish I could. I would give anything to erase his name, his face, our relationship... just from my memories. I haven't had a day go by in months without just ONCE thinking about him.

So much has happened the past few months... It feels like an eternity has passed since we ended things. I've had so many different people come in and out of my life.... So many silly mistakes, dumb heartaches, drunken nights, crazy adventures.... Met so many random,
incredible people... I've done so many things that I had only dreamt about before, and I'm still moving forward.... The only thing holding me back are the constant waves of nostalgia. Too many memories. They don't come now and then anymore. It's just constant. A steady, continuous flow. Uninterrupted, un-tamed, unforgettable... Not understable in any way, shape or form.


i laid on the couch crying, thinking, hurting... taking medicine to numb the pain, to make me sleep... i slept all day, and if i woke up, i took more medicine so i could slip right back into a heavy slumber. being awake meant crying and dealing with the pain... so, like a coward, i hid from it. I slept. for one month, i cried and slept. i didn't eat. eating meant following a daily routine... daily routines felt like moving on. i didn't want to move forward. all i wanted to do was go back in time. and, since i couldn't, all i did was sleep. my weight started dropping in just a matter of days.. and after the first few pounds, the rest followed too quickly. sickly enough, i didn't care. i saw my body, my health and my strength deteriorate right before my own eyes, but was powerless to stop it. i didn't know how to.. nor did i care to. i was content to slip away. life didn't matter anymore. everything was a blur... a constant reminder that things would never be the same. each day blended into the next, until this became a constant routine; a whirlwind. one month slipped away before i knew it; i had no concept of time. i lost track of myself... and i didn't care. i understood then what escaping meant. what WANTING to die felt like. it didn't scare me. many times i went to sleep praying that i wouldn't wake up. taking a higher dosage with hopes that it would send me overboard, only to wake up with pains in my stomach the next day.

It's been just over 11 months since that nightmare began. Since I lost myself... I've come a very long way the past few months. Ever since I've had to make it on my own, I've learned so much about who I really am, and how to make it. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I was before... That I didn't and don't EVER deserve to go through such misery, and such pain. Yet here I am, nearly one year later... I'm laying on the couch, listening to the same songs that brought me to tears before... It's 2:37 in the morning, and I can't sleep. For nights, all I've done is think about him. About the way things used to be. I'm torturing myself and I can't stop it. I don't miss him.. He doesn't deserve that. I just can't grasp what happened. I still don't understand any of it. I don't understand why he moved on so fast... How he replaced me like it was nothing. * months have passed since he left my life... * months that he's spent with that girl. * months was the length of our relationship. and now, a time-frame equal to that has elapsed and he's still with the girl he left me for. He doesn't talk to me. He doesnt respond to me. I was better than any of those girls... I don't understand how he could just forget that I existed. It's killing me... And it shouldn't be. He's absolute scum. He's trash. He isn't worth my tears or my time. But he was the guy whom I loved more than anything. Hell, I don't even know if he loved me back for real. I won't ever know for real. I don't think he did. I'll never have closure. I'm broken... I'm fucked up inside. I don't know what to do with myself.. I'm scared to feel things for people. I'm terrified. So here I am, laying on my couch, listening to the songs that make me think about him, and I'm crying. I don't stop... It just keeps coming. Tears keep falling. Tears that should have dried up a very long time ago.

April '07 (part 2)

What pisses me off the most is that I have a million thoughts going through my mind frantically at one time, but I can't find a way to say any of them. I'm the "distraction" girl. I am there when a guy needs to focus on something else. Mostly getting over someone else. I am there to keep their thoughts on something other than what it is that they are trying so hard to forget. I'll never be missed, I'll never be truly loved. They will move on and eventually forget my name, while I am left with thousands of questions and a broken heart. It's what happens every time.

I'm not the girl they'll fall madly in love with, or the girl that they'll beg to stay. I'm not the girl who they'll kick themselves for losing, and I'm not the girl who they'll miss when they don't have me. They all move on and find someone else who they are crazy about. I help by being a distraction so they can clear their heads and hearts to make enough room to let someone else in. That's what I do best, and that's all I'll ever be.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get my feelings out. I can't get my head cleared, and I hate that I've been crying over him. I hate it. I swore that I would never cry over another guy again, and that I would never let myself get to this point that I'm at. I'm too good for this. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have someones attention, and I definitely deserve to be treated the way he treated me in the beginning. I don't know what happened to him and I dont know that I ever will.

I'm just a girl lying in her bed, listening to sad songs and crying while her heart breaks. I'm just a girl torturing herself with thoughts of him and the way he made her feel, while he is wishing things had never gotten this far. I'm just a girl who wanted to enjoy a show and not worry about guys for one night... But he chose that night to come into my life. I'm just a girl who falls for sweet lines and beautiful eyes like they are the latest trend. I'm just the girl who fell for the guy who kissed her in the ocean on the most romantic date of her life. I'm just the girl who took his mind off of everything for a small period of time. I'm just the distraction. That's who I've always been, and it's who I'll always be. I'm just that girl.

April '07 (part 1)

Thank god for...

amazing friends who pick you up at 4:30 in the morning so you don't sit alone and get miserable. who come bearing a bag of chocolate kisses and cookies because we all know how much it helps to have comfort foods when you are upset. who then drive you to the Causeway and talk to you for an hour or two to help clear your head and make things seem better than they are. who let you cry as much as you need to, and talk about everything and nothing, just to get your thoughts out. just to have someone there to listen to you. who buy you red bull and smoke a pack of cigarettes with you just to calm your nerves and get all the stress out of your system. who then drive down to the beach and visit spots that they need to go to, and then drive you down to the other end of the beach to walk along the water with you like an old couple as the sun comes up. even though it's hard because that spot on the beach totally brings back a flood of memories, and it's pretty painful. but thank god for amazing friends who won't let you be alone when you are upset and freaking out because they know that things will be better, and they love you to pieces. who leave you in a much more positive a mood... even if your heart is still quite devastated. who try to justify why things happen... and give you the reality of things, while still trying to give you hope. who climb into holes in the sand and carve their names with you just so you have a cute new background for your phone... one that won't make you so sad. who drive you back to your house 4 hours after picking you up, and laugh with you at the swarm of people on your roof tearing off tiles, and then wait outside to make sure you get in safe and are able to shower at your own house. who, overall, are the most rare people in the entire world, but i am blessed to have in my life.

thank you so, so much.

"There are people in my life who give me comfort. When the going gets tough, as it invariably does, I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on - they will lift me up when I fall, they will hold me in their arms as I cry and tell me, "Everything's going to be okay." I am so thankful for those people. They are priceless."
I never thought you would lie to me. Repeatedly.
I never thought you would watch me suffer & not care.
I never thought you would go back to people who screwed you over.
I never thought you would let your own father think such bad things about me.
I never IMAGINED you would let him try to put a restraining order on me.
I never thought you would put me down to the girl who truly screwed you over.
I never thought you would touch her again.. Especially not more than once.
I never thought you could watch me fall apart this badly & not do anything to stop it.
I never thought you would break so many promises.
I never thought you could be so heartless to watch me suffer and not care.
I never thought you would push me away in just two weeks.
I never thought you would share OUR bed with that slut.
I never thought you would EVER hurt me intentionally.
I never imagined I could feel so much pain.
I never thought I would be wishing I had never met you.
I never thought I would regret falling in love.

I never thought I could ever feel such resentment against you...
feel actual HATRED toward someone I loved with my entire heart.

I guess I should have thought things out a long time ago.. Maybe then I wouldn't have been fooled into believing I had something that I didn't.

I hope you wake up next to her nasty, slutty body every morning & remember waking up next to me...
I hope you go out everywhere with her & are completely miserable like you used to be.. & then remember all the fun we had.
I hope your friends ditch you all over again so you can remember who your real friend was.
I hope you listen to Mae & Brand New & Deathcab and remember everything, every time...
I hope you go out to eat with her & remember how much of a whiny bitch she is, and how easy it was just to make me smile.
I hope she annoys the crap out of you so that you can remember how much you hated being with her.. & then remember how compatible we were.
I hope she does something to really piss you off so then you'll realize that she's turned you against me, & maybe then you'll be sorry for putting me through this.
I hope that the next time you sleep with her, you think of all 13 other guys she has been with before & after you, and how openly trashy she is.
I hope you look into her eyes & feel disgusted with yourself.. & remember looking in mine and feeling so much love.
I hope that whenever you do get into trouble & your so-called "friends" aren't there, remember that I always would have been.
I hope you see things that remind you of me, since EVERYTHING I see reminds me of you, & I hope to God that you feel miserable.
I hope that you suffer the way I have.

I hope you realize that you screwed up... Even though I know you don't care.


I hope you miss me.

I never thought I could despise someone as much as I do you right now...
Thank you so much for proving me wrong.

I deserve to be happy.
I always thought you could do that for me..
I guess I was blind to the fact that everyone else in your life has more say in our relationship than you do.


Sunday, October 21, 2007


Sometimes I wish I could go back to times
before I really lost so much of my innocence..
back when life was a lot less complicated...

Back when I was comfortable with myself, inside & out.

I knew what the next step was, and more importantly, how to get there.

alcohol didn't choose the way my nights would end.. Or the company, either.

fake girls weren't EVERYWHERE.

I had friends call me from the road just to say hi.

my phone would blow up with drunken texts and calls most nights, usually waking me up between 2 and 4 in the morning, when I had class the next day.

*** I had consistency to my life...***

I didn't have so many reasons to not trust people.

sex wasn't such a high priority on most minds.

sex was actually considered intimate and special... not something to be done with just anyone.

the only money worries were centered around movies, shows and shopping trips.

friday nights were the highlight of the week.

we sang along to lyrics just because we liked the melodies... the words had no meaning to us. now, we sing along to songs that reflect what we feel and what we've been through.

love was real.

I woke up next to the same person every morning and never even thought twice about it, because it was normal and consistent.

people didn't have such high ego's... especially those friends who "blew up" and let whatever talent they have get the best of them.

relationships were emotional and structured. not just physical.

I could talk to a guy without feeling (or knowing) that they just wanted to sleep with me.

kissing someone gave me butterflies... real ones.

responsibilites could easily be pushed aside for a little while without everything getting screwed up.

someone loved me for who I was. no exceptions.

I hadn't known the depths of depression or the sting of heartache, or the cruelty and depravity of starvation.

I could sleep normally, and not get excited if I was lucky enough to get 3 hours a night.

losing 20 pounds hadn't happened, and my body still looked really great...

i could listen to Mae and Deathcab (& so many others) without being haunted by memories.

people always responded.

i never got left hanging.

the worst mistakes I made had to do with insignificant things like laundry, coloring my own hair, or homework.

my heart didn't feel so numb most of the time.

i didn't feel like i had lost everything that was once so dear to me... over time, i did. i lost everything that WAS, (at one point), my world.

i wasn't so insecure almost all of the time.

I didn't get gut feelings... at least I could get hurt without seeing it coming. Now i see it coming and I go along with it anyway... I always think that "maybe this time will be different..." It's NEVER different.

I could find the actual good in people, instead of reading all of the bad things about them right away.

honesty wasn't something so hard to find.

Back when I wasn't faking smiles or forcing laughter, for the sake of keeping things personal.

I wasn't bitter.

When happiness wasn't just something to look forward to... It was something I already had 24/7.

i didn't feel so awkward in my own skin.

when i wasn't so defensive of myself to other people, all the time... (i'm so quick to make my intentions known these days..)

society wasn't so sold on sex, drugs, trashy girls, scummy guys or violence.

When I didn't get stood up or ignored by friends or dates, or even by new people in my life.

When people said they'd be there, they actually were.. I never had to worry that they wouldn't be.

When things were alot less hectic.

people were immature, but mature enough for confrontation... as i've grown older, i've discovered that so many people around me can't deal with confrontation.

casual sex was considered gross... now it seems to be the trend. it's disgusting.

rumors were insignificant.. they only ruined days, not reputations or lives.

Relationships were kept sacred and so meaningful... Not just a hookup until someone new and exciting came along.

i never had to compete with another girl to get a guy that i really cared about.

drugs were never better than people... They NEVER replaced someone you loved.

drama consisted of either the spring play put on by the high school thespian group, or some silly, petty fight between two girls over some boy that they both liked.

cheating was only applicable to schoolwork and boardgames.. not relationships.

people actually wanted to get to know each other, instead of not giving each other the chance, and just hooking up for the sake of it... People never find out who they are missing out on if they let things go that way.

I didn't feel so "dark and twisty" inside.

people told you what they wanted, and then what they didn't want. there were always valid reasons.

we always got answers to why things happened... closure wasn't so hard to find.

a guy calling my phone wasn't just an attempt to get some... They actually were looking to talk or hang out.

drinking wasn't the way we solved our problems.

razors and knives were just kitchen tools and hardware.

who I was didn't contradict the person everyone else saw... It was the same person all around.

Pictures didn't lie... Memories didn't hurt... Songs didn't remind me...

friends weren't losing their lives... figuratively or realistically.

Worrying went only as far as the next day's test that I never studied for... Not about money or choices or guys.

change wasn't as terrifying as it is now... it was something we all looked forward to.

things didn't happen so fast, and moments didn't vanish so quickly.

you knew you'd see someone again for sure, whether at school, work, next vacation, or a show.

Death, suicide, rehab, pregnancy and jail weren't realities to any of us, yet.

Back when I knew who I was, where I was going, and what I wanted.

Everything has changed drastically since then...
I want completely different things and people in my life...
I just don't know who or what those people and things are.
Everything is so blurry.. So out of focus...

The world is spinning, but I'm spinning 3 times faster...

I just need to find myself...to find what I need...
to stop letting people get the best of me..
to stop hurting...to catch myself from falling...

And then, this tipsy world of mine
can finally
come to a

"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."
(Grey's Anatomy)


"She's inviting heartache, to come home cause she's starving for hope that maybe "baby" won't be pushed around."
(Jamestown Story)

Settling... We all do it. Whether it's for something that's "almost as good", doing it out of indecisiveness, or just to bring something to an end. We all settle. Sometimes, almost every single day. We settle for things when they aren't quite what we had in mind, but don't know what else to do. We settle for clothing or food when everyone else is waiting on us to make up our minds. We settle for people who we aren't crazy about when we're tired of being alone, and though those turn out to be incredible people who would be more than perfect for us, our "settling" usually winds up hurting and losing them.

"Settle down now."

I'm a silly girl. I'll admit it any day, and I'll definitely own up to the fact that I've made a large amount of mistakes in my life. I've made a great majority in the past two years, especially. I do this because I'm human. We make mistakes. And I've been fortunate enough to have been able to either come to terms with them, or let them be forgotten. Mistakes don't phase me. I know I'll be making MANY more throughout my life. It's just part of living and learning, you know?

That said... Settling can be a huge mistake.

Sometimes when people are hurting, they try to numb or mask the pain. There are many, many ways of "moving on." The best known are getting buried in work, drugs, drinking heavily, going after a new guy/girl, chainsmoking, keeping busy constantly, etc. All can be dangerous on so many different levels. Drugs/alcohol are addictive, and overdosing is an all too common trend. Getting caught up in a new relationship, or even just a hookup, can lead to so much pain for one or both individuals involved. Keeping busy (whether with work, friends or life in general) is a good option... But, like medicine, it's temporary. Sooner or later, it will wear off, and then everything will catch up and reality has to be dealt with.

After awhile, though, some people still would rather continue taking an edge off the pain. So they settle. They fall for scummy people, and take any attention (bad or good), even if they KNOW it's not real... But they'll take it, because they want to feel loved any way they can. It's painful. It's so damaging. But it's better than being alone. At least, we convince ourselves of it... No matter how far from the truth it really is. Honestly, we know when it's not going anywhere... When it's just a good time... When you're "just another name", or worse, "just another notch"... And as if it's not painful enough to know that ahead of time, we allow ourselves to become that name or notch anyway, just because we yearn to be loved, and hope for one time to be different than all the rest. Wishful thinking (and hoping!) is definitely deadly... In any dosage.

It's the same as being in a failing relationship... But not letting it fail completely. You never want to say goodbye... But as time goes on and things get worse, the situation becomes 10 times more painful for everyone involved. So really, "goodbye", (no matter how painful and hard to accept), is usually the best way to go. And going back into something that caused so much pain before?! Red flag!! NOT WISE! Believe me when I say that I know...

Don't ever settle, unless you're settling down.

We're smart. We're beautiful. We're strong. We deserve to love, to live, to smile and to be happy. Don't ever allow yourself to settle for anything less than that... For anything less than you deserve.

"Consider this, he was moving on while she was busy trying to pass the time between the previous and next nervous breakdown."

Saturday, October 20, 2007


"People are stupid and just want to be loved. That's the only reason anyone does anything."
(Grey's Anatomy)
Everybody makes mistakes. It's getting over them and moving on with life that takes time... and grief and stress... Often accompanied by a lot of tears and anguish. Unanswered questions. Soul-searching. Self-loathing. A wave of fresh, new mistakes. Learning. Accepting. Moving on. Forgetting.
Mistakes are the fundamentals, the learning blocks of life. Without them, how would we know how to handle ourselves in similar situations down the road? How else would we gain intelligence and understanding? It's the experiences in life and the mistakes that we make that build us into individuals, and make us into who we are. Mistakes are necessary. So, while it's easy to beat oneself up over something we regret... It's much healthier to see what went wrong, take it to heart, and consider it a lesson. Somewhere down the road, it will all be worth it. Every mistake that we make, and every poor decision or idea we made, will no longer be for nothing. Mistakes are the only way we know how much strength and courage we have... and how we'll use that later on down the road.
Mistakes. Regrets. Accidents. They're all part of life. Use them as learning tools... Or let them hold you down. The choice is simple. The act of doing so is difficult. But the end result... The end result is so worth it. I promise.
I need to get out of FL. I need to get on the road. I need to move to the other coast. I need many things.... Money comes first. Opportunities are key. Motivation is needed. Actions should be taken. I'm planning.

Friday, October 19, 2007


"I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found love

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
You'll survive the day
You say you're leaving
Say you're leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid."


I write a lot. Too much, I've been told. I have several blogs and a plethora of journals. It's out of control.

I'm infatuated with words. I love thoughts, quotes, lyrics.. Words express things on so many levels. It's incredible to reach an understanding through just a series of letters... Genius.

I'm single. I'm not looking for a relationship. Please don't try. I'm trying to live for myself, and it's hard enough doing just that, sometimes. The less complications... well, you know.. the better.

Besides writing, my biggest passion is music. It gets me in ways that people just can't. It's therapeutic and inspiring. Music transcends language. There are no better words to truly describe how I feel about it.

I get bored with things far too easily... Quite often, far too quickly.

I want to pick up and leave randomly, with no particular destination in mind.

I'm a dweller. I cant leave memories behind. They haunt me. It's painful and crippling. But it's familiar. It's the way I've always been. Somehow, I always manage to move on.. But I never forget. Ever.

I have issues. Trust, compatibility, intimacy, abandonment... It's intimidating. I'm fully aware of it. However, I can't help the way that I am. Learn to deal, or don't be a part of my life.

I despise liars. I won't tolerate anything other than honesty. I'd rather just hear the truth... No matter how bad it might hurt.

I love traveling, seeing new places, and meeting new people.

I love postcards and photographs. I also collect shotglasses from different cities.

I HATE not having closure. Ironically, I haven't had much over time, and I'm used to not getting any. I don't like to assume the worst, but experience has taught me to expect nothing less. I don't need all the answers. But please, be up-front with me. Not knowing things is agitating and too stressful.

There is more to me than anyone will ever know. I'm extremely guarded. I like it better that way.

Someday I will settle down, but not until I've truly experienced life to the fullest.

" she has a scar that runs down her back right along the spine, like somebody tried to steal it. i joked her like this: “someone must have ignored the blue prints, look at all the structural damage”. but i stuttered and trailed off. the smoke curled off of her lips. for a second i was dying to be it. dying to be as clever and kissable as her. there she was sitting in front of me, knee pulled up to to her chin. smoking a cigarette thinking of something or someone else. and thats how she will be stuck in my mind forever. two explorers in the dark, mapless and hopeless. alone together."


I've never felt alone, till I met you
I'm alright on my own till I met you
& I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming...
Somethings gone, you withdraw, and I'm not strong like before-
I was deep inside of you.


I'm going to be alone for a long time.

The realization is possibly more painful than the actual feat of doing it. I'm sure of it.

Familiarity never feels comforting... It's more of an alienating feeling than anything else. Familiarity links memories with people, places, thoughts, actions... And linking anything to something you've known before is never pleasant.

So turn the music down,
I'm tired of talking really loud;
I've got just one last thing to say...

Let's just drive across the country,
just drive me to the coast.

It's just that I'm sick of this,
sick of here,
sick of everyone and everything around.
Let's just start over new,
somewhere else
in a coastal city,
* s u c h * a * v i e w *

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


"There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away."
(grey's anatomy)

Do you ever hear a lyric, a quote, a story... and instantly feel inspired? It's as if the person speaking is making a direct connection with you.. I'm easily inspired. All the time. I'll hear something, and wheels begin turning almost instantly in my head. I'm a thought person, you know what I mean? Thoughts.. They'll always get the best of me.

We play games to make light of things, and quite often, to help us heal. To make time fly by quicker and hopefully, much less painfully. Sometimes, the games work. More often than not, though, they just create a temporary blockage, which time has absolutely no trouble in eroding... and once that guard is worn down, the games become too much to bear. This is where today's quote becomes applicable. It's called Fight-or-Flight Syndrome. Persevere, or run away. (Walking quickly is still considered to be running. Call it what you will, but really, there is no other way to classify it). When it all comes down to the hard, naked and gritty reality, there are only those two choices.

I'm unpredictable. However, I tend to contradict myself more and more these days... So in all reality, I should probably say that I'm extremely predictable... Only in the sense that you can always count on me to be unpredictable. To do what is least expected of me... Whether that be a good or bad thing. Honestly, I don't really care how it comes across. My friends know and expect it from me. It's the only way I really know how to be anymore. I'm very defensive, and I try not to let my guard down too easily. Trust issues, surpressed memories, dark history... That's me. So I'm unpredictable. I like it that way.


I had to end this with something that made me laugh hysterically... People who come into the salon where I work are absolutely hilarious, and I always end up repeating things that they say, just for kicks. So here's to this woman... She's as straightforward as they come, and I respect and applaud her for it.

"Men take everything we say without a grain of salt. It's their job to make things difficult. That's why sometimes I wish I had balls."
(Salon Client)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Is it safe to say that, while many people find solace in burying themselves in a hectic lifestyle, there are still so many of us living daily on pure memories alone?

Society groups together the majority of people as either strong or weak... Those who can forget hardships and move on with their lives, or those who are lost-causes that have no fight left, who are expected to self-destruct, or simply vanish.

But people tend to overlook the remaining few--the survivors. Those who rely on memories alone to pull them through each day and into the next... Who define true courage as the ability to get out of bed every morning, and then still be able to make it through an entire day. The dwellers who find it impossible to seek comfort in anything but living through their past experiences. Who are scared of change, because of the obvious impending affect it could have on the only remaining stability in their lives. Change means letting go of everything familiar and constant, to take a chance on something new, that we don't know anything about. It's risky. It scares the hell out of people who are used to consistency. For some people, letting go of the past is simply out of the question, because holding on is the only bright spot, the only ray of hope that comes from the darkness that otherwise surrounds their being.

Time may play tricks on the mind, but never on the heart.

We are fragile. We are scared. We are unsure of how to move forward.
We don't know where tomorrow will take us, nor do we know how to begin getting there.
We have no set destination in mind. It thrills & terrifies us. It motivates & also debilitates us.
Sometimes we feel insecure. Often, we seem lost. Most days we feel defeated.

But we're alive. We're still fighting. We may just be existing for now, but that may be the only thing we know how to do.

Let us.

(Change is hard... But sometimes, taking a chance may open your eyes to see just what you've been missing out on.)

Monday, October 15, 2007


I decided it necessary to create yet another blog, for the sake of writing and venting. Something new and different. Somewhere to spill my thoughts, my ideas, my memories... The chaos that fills both my head and my heart on a daily basis.

This might just work.

"Eternity will never be enough for me, and eternally we'll live our infallible love."
(the spill canvas)