I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Life is a CONSTANT ride...

...it hardly slows down, never takes breaks, often surprises us and always leaves us wondering, "What's next?!"

The past two months of MY life have been a whirlwind... Constantly changing and picking up speed, cleaning out my past and bringing lots of new surprises in. I barely had time to breathe inbetween all of those changes, but perhaps that was for the better. It was stressful, indescribable, chaotic, sad, new and exciting all at the same time. Through it all, I've only seen the positive aspect, and I'm happier now than I've been in a long, long time. Sometimes, life moves in the most mysterious ways... and sometimes, that's exactly what we've been needing.

Changes... So many changes.

Around mid-January, my mother was offered a job up in Pennsylvania, working with her fiancee at Pep Boys. She was to start on February 1st, meaning we had literally 1 1/2 weeks to clean/fix/pack up our entire lives and go our own ways... I was already on my own, but I'll get to that in a minute. My little sister got an apartment nearby, and, after time and worry, my brother found his own as well. During that time, I had just begun a brand new job. It was only supposed to be a second job, as I worked for my ex's mom during the days, but working 2 jobs put a lot of stress on my relationship, because I was never there. As I got more comfortable with my job and the people I worked with, I started wanting to hang out afterward, and found myself missing my independence. I met a guy at work who I thought was really cool, and it was nothing more than any of my other new friendships, but that, too, started problems in my relationship.. Especially when this (or any) co-worker would harmlessly text me... Jealousy problems. This infuriated me, as well as not having my own space, not being romanced, not being happy in my relationship.. and pushed me further from my ex. Things had been rough & rocky for awhile (on and off) leading up to this point, but since my life was SO entwined with his (living situation, work, friends/family, the puppy, etc), I hadn't yet mustered up the strength (or found an opportunity) to bring an end to things.

But I digress...

"The Ex" came to my job to surprise me one night, all dressed up in a brand new shirt, holding a bouquet of roses and beaming like crazy... and something in me snapped. Any girl should be thrilled to be surprised like that... Any happy girl, at least. I hadn't been "happy" in such a long time. These sudden acts of romance/caring/affection were things that I had prayed he would do for months and months before this... But only when he felt me pulling away did he actually start "trying". So, I tried to be the bigger person, and in that moment did what I should have done months before--I ended our 3 1/2 year (on and off) relationship, walked back inside to join my co-workers at the bar, and never looked back. I felt horrible for walking away from him, leaving him crying while he waited for his mother's car @ Valet, but I quickly found myself surrounded by friends inside who made me laugh & smile like nothing was wrong. THAT's when I knew that I had made the best decision I'd made in a long time... The RIGHT decision. It wasn't fair to either of us to stay in something we had to TRY and make work.... I did feel terrible for the way I went about breaking up with him, and thought we were on good terms... I went back a few days later to get some things, and he talked about sharing the puppy with me, and walked me to the car & hugged and kissed me... Two days later, he was ignoring my texts/calls, and was apparently telling people I was psycho and wanted to be together again... And I discovered that him being "heartbroken" was a complete facade. Really twisted, right?! Any guilt or horrible feelings I had about the way things had ended were QUICKLY replaced with disgust and disappointment. I had been down this road several times before with him, and every time, it ended in him trying to (or succeeding in) hook up with any and every nasty chick semi-involved in his life... I should have expected it, but I thought that I would have been more important to him to deserve THAT.

Again, I'm side-tracking...

"The Ex" and I ALWAYS fought. Every day. Several times a day. We were always threatening to leave each other. It wasn't healthy at all. Back in September, his best friend told me some things that I had been lied to about for over a year... Important things that I'd already been informed of in passing by his parents, ex, etc... But to this day, he'll STILL swear that his friend was lying. His friends, parents, everyone lied... All lies. FOR WHAT?! What gain would they have by telling me things like that, especially when they all loved me and wanted me to marry him?! Really? Sad how constant lying can turn even the LIAR into a believer. After his friend filled me in that night, things went even more downhill. I had never even imagined that it would get abusive. That, obviously, changed A LOT in our relationship. And when I went over to collect some belongings a few days after we split up (while I thought we were on good terms), once again I was fooled, and the abusive side came out again. More bruises. I should have pressed charges. Really, he shouldn't have gotten away with that. Oh well... You live and learn, right? I grabbed a U-Haul, spent the day packing and crying, and got the heck away from that place as fast as I could. It was the most invigorating drive ever... I can't even begin to describe how accurate that is.  I can still picture the scene like it happened yesterday -- I can picture everyone outside as I got in the U-haul to drive away, pulling away from my little, yellow townhouse at 1219 Big Pine,the bumpy/bouncy ride, crying my eyes out, listening to the radio, driving down I-4 and 275 in the dark... And SMILING through the tears -- even laughing (!) -- because I knew I was finally free. Finally my own person. Finally free to have friends, to be happy, to not be treated like garbage. And ever since then, I haven't regretted one choice.

Man.... I feel like a completely different person... It's like having the biggest weight is off my shoulders. I've found out who I am by escaping everything that I knew best -- Something I never thought possible.

I had to leave my puppy behind, though... That was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I miss that little boy SO much! He really is like a child to me. I tell everyone about him all of the time, I show pictures, I wonder if he's being taken care of, or if he'll be given away... It's been tough without him. What I would give to see the little monkey again... Even if just for a day. Grrr...:-/

I had a blast on my cruise to the Grand Cayman/Cozumel over spring break... Kim, Kourt, Ally, Stephen and Scott were such an awesome little cruise family, and I would go on another cruise with them in a heartbeat if I had the money to! I'm still working at the "new" job, but I'm now hostessing AND doing guest services AND cocktail waitressing. A little bit of everything. It works well. I have a really nice new place. It currently needs to be furnished, but everything is falling into place at it's own pace, and I don't mind that one bit. REALLY exciting news: I was given tickets to see one of my absolute FAVORITE musicians, Tom Petty, for an early birthday present.. The show is on my birthday. Eek!! How perfect is that!? Like I said.. The year keeps getting better and better :-D Then, I'm going to Seattle for 10 days in May/June... Life is going well.

On a heavier note.. My grandma went to the hospital last week, and she's been having a rough time of it. If you read this, PLEASE keep her in your thoughts and prayers.. I love her and don't want her to be in pain at all. It's been hard on my grandfather and dad, and I just wish I lived closer so that I could visit and spend time with them. Also, I don't see Thunder enough these days, and THAT is hard for me... He's such a good boy, and moving to Sofia's apartment from his big house/yard was quite an adjustment for him. I need to see him more.

I also need more time... I am NEVER available for phone calls these days, and I feel terrible.. I used to talk to Steph almost every day, and I had frequent phone calls with a lot of my other friends (Kim, Dre, Ooa, etc)... Now I'm always busy, or working until late, by which time I'm either too tired or too stressed for phone calls. I'm usually always available to text, though.. I'm so sorry guys! I hate not being able to chat :-(

I need to write in this more often. It's been months, and that's a bit ridiculous.

Lyrics | Taylor Swift lyrics - Change lyrics

Ciao <3