I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007


I posted a couple of things I wrote earlier on in the year.. They aren't recent, so don't worry. It's more of a view at my "journey" the past year...

I found it intriguing.



I met a guy once who reminded me that I deserve to be happy, and that love really does exist. Not just any kind of love... But the most incredible, intense kind of love that very few people think is actually out there. In fact, he came into my life right when I needed intervention most. I was bitter and cynical, and very negative toward all aspects of love and relationships. He quickly made me realize that love is NEVER a bad thing... That I just hadn't experienced yet the love that I truly deserve. He also made me learn that you can't force love... It comes to those who wait. Those who are patient; who won't take it for granted... Those who will appreciate and cherish it because they recognize how beautiful it is.

That guy will probably never read this..

But if you ever do.. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel gorgeous, both inside and out. For not giving up on me, even with all my negativity toward anything good in life. For sitting on the phone with me for hours, talking about what most people would consider only insignificant things... It meant the world to me. For asking me about my day, and actually WANTING to hear about it... and for calling to comfort me when you knew I'd had it rough. For sending me silly pictures and texts to cheer me up, and staying up to talk to me when I pulled all-nighters, right until I walked into class the next morning. For driving 14 hours based on a whim you'd had earlier that day, just to take a road-trip to come see me for a few days... No one has ever done anything remotely close to that. For being a friend to me when I needed someone to talk to, and for confiding in me when you needed a friend as well. For taking me on the most romantic date I've ever been on... and being an absolute gentleman about everything. For never pushing me, when most guys in your position would have. For giving me hope. You changed me. It took awhile to realize it, because for a long time, I was really hurt... I was angry. I won't ever understand the tension, or why things are so bitter.. But I respect you and your decisions, even if they cut me out of your life forever. I miss talking to you, because you understood me like not many people do. You were a great friend to me... A great inspiration. You made the future feel possible and exciting again. You brought life back into my heart and my mind, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I'll never forget the impact you made on me.

Thank you for saving me..



i just typed an entire post
and x'ed out by accident.
i might cry...

it's 6 am and i can't sleep.
i wish i could sleep...
i hate laying awake and thinking...

i could be lying awake and feeling sorry for myself..
or, even better, i could be reassuring myself that things are good.
but instead, i'm doing an unhealthy combination of the two,
and it's doing a little more than screwing with my mind..
i hate it.

am i pathetic for thinking about things,
and for feeling sad that "things" ended over 2 months ago?
i'm usually good at putting things behind me,
but for some reason, i can't shake thoughts of him...

i don't know if he ever thinks of me..
i'd like to think that he does, but i'm not so sure.
all i know is that i hope i brought a little happiness into his life..
i tried so hard. ya know?

it was real, right??
even if it was only what, a month long?
yeah... it was real.
i'd been through hell,
and he made things seem okay again...
something like that doesn't come around often...

i feel like i screwed something up,
and i don't even know how i did...
i feel like i lost something truly amazing,
and in fact, i know that i did....

i wish i knew what went so terribly wrong...

i can't listen to certain songs, or to certain bands,
without remembering certain times and memories...
every single time i go to the beach,
i can't help but remember the most romantic date i've ever been on...

i hate that i'm sitting here, hung up on things,
when i probably look really lame for doing so...
i've had long relationships, and i've had alot
of really hard crap in my life...
& here i am, dwelling on this...

i miss getting excited every time my phone went off..
i miss cute little picture messages that made me smile.


i wish it had been left with what you said..
that, when we figure our lives out,
maybe we'll meet up again...

now i feel like that will never happen,
because i'm pretty sure you hate me...
i don't know what changed so fast...

i wish you knew that i never ONCE didn't respect you
or anything you've been through...
i thought you knew i did with all of my heart.
i tried to understand and be a good friend..
i really did try.


alright, i'm done.
i just needed to clear my mind.



all i want you to know is that i care about you.
i still think about you now & then, and even if i never
cross your mind again, it doesn't matter to me.
you were sweeter to me in just one month than any guy has
ever been in any amount of time.

It gave me hope, ya know?
i'll never understand why things went downhill the way they did,
but i do know that for just a small amount of time,
someone really cared about me.
that meant alot to me. all of it. it still does.
i still have the rose you gave me on the first date,
and there are alot of things i miss about you.
no one else would stay up all night on the phone with me,
or read all of my lame surveys and whatnot.
so it really sucks to know i can't have that...
but at the same time, i'm so lucky i had that, even if it only lasted so long.

So... i'm cheesy and lame, and that's all i wanted to say.
i hate that we don't talk and that things fell apart the way that they did.
i hope that someday you'll think about me, too..
but if you don't, thank you.


It's amazing how much life can change in just one year. Friends, jobs, relationships, feelings and mind-set's can come and be gone in just a matter of moments... and it's the way we respond that will truly either "make or break" us, molding us into either better or less of a person. Someone once said that, "what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger." In times of even the greatest suffering, society expects us to fail or give up fighting. Overcoming the toughest hurdles is proof that strength & determination are neccessary to triumph in life. Many believe that love can conquer everything... A fallacy that turns out to be the downfall of a great amount of believers. Love cannot solve or fix problems on it's own. People must have the will to solve the problems first. Without the will, it is worthless and pointless to even fight.

I had the will to survive. To get past my shortcomings and depression, and find myself... To put the past behind me, and use what experiences I've had as building blocks and learning guides... As tools to help shape my future. In just the past year, I've found myself to be so much stronger than I ever thought I was capable of. I was eager and open to change, and my will to NOT give up is what helped me build confidence again. I'm happy now... Something I didn't think I'd ever be. I can listen to love songs and smile. I can do so many things now that I never thought possible, and I find that so encouraging. Life has trampled all over me, but it will never keep me down. I'm pro-living, pro-laughter.. and how pro-ANYTHING is someone who is always down?! After all, we DO only live once... I'd rather not waste any more living on misery. I deserve to love & dream & smile... and finally, I can.


"If you ever said you missed me, then don't say you never lied..." (Br&new)

For the most part, people are afraid of change. They are afraid that, by changing things, they are erasing memories or re-writing the past. It's the reason why people live in denial, continuing their lives under a tremendous fog. It is the reason that they busy themselves, leaving little time to dwell, or to realize that things are never going to be the same as they once were. We try to avoid drastic changes because sudden change makes us feel guilty. It overwhelms us. Because suddenly, without warning, everything that we once had & knew to be normal can be gone for good.

For example, the text messages that I still, to this day, have saved to my phone. The most random of messages that, at one time, meant the world to me.. Or simply just brought a smile to my face. The messages that, upon reflection, bring me back to a certain time in my lief when I thought I had it figured out... At least for a little while. The messages from several characters in my life that I still can't allow myself to forget or delete.. For absolutely no reason at all. It's not that I'm living in denial... I'm not. It's not being hung up on the past, either. It's just something inside of me that won't allow me to NOT hold on to those tiny fractions of my life that are still held so close to my heart... In hopes that I'll never forget any little part of this journey I've been on for quite some time now.

It's to dried-out roses that still hang from our ceilings, and simple treasures we still keep in a shoebox under our beds. It's to teddy bears and blankets we still sleep with or near, and old pictures in frames that we "never got around to changing out." It's to dozens of barely-dented journals and scrapbooks, and bags that never got unpacked after those nights we'd hoped would have lasted forever. It's to certain songs and the way they move us... & not ever being able to hear the songs the same way again. It's to holding our pasts a little tighter each day, for fear of forgetting the best memories...

April '07 (part 3)

It's 2 am and I'm laying awake again, waiting... Waiting for exhaustion to consume me... Waiting for clarity to wash over me, to finally give me closure and to finally wipe away the memories and questions... Waiting for "an absolution that will never come." Too many nights before this have been spent the same way.. But why? I'm happy now. I've moved on. He's moved on. I've found strength, and more importantly, myself. It's been a struggle and one hell of a journey, but I've made it. Yet still, times like these can't just leave me well enough alone.

Memories haunt me. Not being able to remember scares me in ways that I didn't know were
possible. I don't remember what it felt like to touch his skin, to be in his arms, to kiss him... I don't remember the way his hair smelled, or the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me... Not being able to remember is draining me. I wish I could. I wish I could remember, just so I could remember what it feels like to be loved. I miss someone loving me. I'll never have my closure. One night we were getting back together; the next, he was fooling around with his new girlfriend. He's still with her. She sleeps in my old bed. She lives in my old room. She has my old life. She took over everything that used to be mine. I don't like this. I don't like dwelling in the past, or wasting time or tears on him. He doesn't deserve it, and I know I'm so much better off without him. So why can't I just forget? I wish I could. I would give anything to erase his name, his face, our relationship... just from my memories. I haven't had a day go by in months without just ONCE thinking about him.

So much has happened the past few months... It feels like an eternity has passed since we ended things. I've had so many different people come in and out of my life.... So many silly mistakes, dumb heartaches, drunken nights, crazy adventures.... Met so many random,
incredible people... I've done so many things that I had only dreamt about before, and I'm still moving forward.... The only thing holding me back are the constant waves of nostalgia. Too many memories. They don't come now and then anymore. It's just constant. A steady, continuous flow. Uninterrupted, un-tamed, unforgettable... Not understable in any way, shape or form.


i laid on the couch crying, thinking, hurting... taking medicine to numb the pain, to make me sleep... i slept all day, and if i woke up, i took more medicine so i could slip right back into a heavy slumber. being awake meant crying and dealing with the pain... so, like a coward, i hid from it. I slept. for one month, i cried and slept. i didn't eat. eating meant following a daily routine... daily routines felt like moving on. i didn't want to move forward. all i wanted to do was go back in time. and, since i couldn't, all i did was sleep. my weight started dropping in just a matter of days.. and after the first few pounds, the rest followed too quickly. sickly enough, i didn't care. i saw my body, my health and my strength deteriorate right before my own eyes, but was powerless to stop it. i didn't know how to.. nor did i care to. i was content to slip away. life didn't matter anymore. everything was a blur... a constant reminder that things would never be the same. each day blended into the next, until this became a constant routine; a whirlwind. one month slipped away before i knew it; i had no concept of time. i lost track of myself... and i didn't care. i understood then what escaping meant. what WANTING to die felt like. it didn't scare me. many times i went to sleep praying that i wouldn't wake up. taking a higher dosage with hopes that it would send me overboard, only to wake up with pains in my stomach the next day.

It's been just over 11 months since that nightmare began. Since I lost myself... I've come a very long way the past few months. Ever since I've had to make it on my own, I've learned so much about who I really am, and how to make it. I've learned that I'm much stronger than I was before... That I didn't and don't EVER deserve to go through such misery, and such pain. Yet here I am, nearly one year later... I'm laying on the couch, listening to the same songs that brought me to tears before... It's 2:37 in the morning, and I can't sleep. For nights, all I've done is think about him. About the way things used to be. I'm torturing myself and I can't stop it. I don't miss him.. He doesn't deserve that. I just can't grasp what happened. I still don't understand any of it. I don't understand why he moved on so fast... How he replaced me like it was nothing. * months have passed since he left my life... * months that he's spent with that girl. * months was the length of our relationship. and now, a time-frame equal to that has elapsed and he's still with the girl he left me for. He doesn't talk to me. He doesnt respond to me. I was better than any of those girls... I don't understand how he could just forget that I existed. It's killing me... And it shouldn't be. He's absolute scum. He's trash. He isn't worth my tears or my time. But he was the guy whom I loved more than anything. Hell, I don't even know if he loved me back for real. I won't ever know for real. I don't think he did. I'll never have closure. I'm broken... I'm fucked up inside. I don't know what to do with myself.. I'm scared to feel things for people. I'm terrified. So here I am, laying on my couch, listening to the songs that make me think about him, and I'm crying. I don't stop... It just keeps coming. Tears keep falling. Tears that should have dried up a very long time ago.

April '07 (part 2)

What pisses me off the most is that I have a million thoughts going through my mind frantically at one time, but I can't find a way to say any of them. I'm the "distraction" girl. I am there when a guy needs to focus on something else. Mostly getting over someone else. I am there to keep their thoughts on something other than what it is that they are trying so hard to forget. I'll never be missed, I'll never be truly loved. They will move on and eventually forget my name, while I am left with thousands of questions and a broken heart. It's what happens every time.

I'm not the girl they'll fall madly in love with, or the girl that they'll beg to stay. I'm not the girl who they'll kick themselves for losing, and I'm not the girl who they'll miss when they don't have me. They all move on and find someone else who they are crazy about. I help by being a distraction so they can clear their heads and hearts to make enough room to let someone else in. That's what I do best, and that's all I'll ever be.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get my feelings out. I can't get my head cleared, and I hate that I've been crying over him. I hate it. I swore that I would never cry over another guy again, and that I would never let myself get to this point that I'm at. I'm too good for this. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have someones attention, and I definitely deserve to be treated the way he treated me in the beginning. I don't know what happened to him and I dont know that I ever will.

I'm just a girl lying in her bed, listening to sad songs and crying while her heart breaks. I'm just a girl torturing herself with thoughts of him and the way he made her feel, while he is wishing things had never gotten this far. I'm just a girl who wanted to enjoy a show and not worry about guys for one night... But he chose that night to come into my life. I'm just a girl who falls for sweet lines and beautiful eyes like they are the latest trend. I'm just the girl who fell for the guy who kissed her in the ocean on the most romantic date of her life. I'm just the girl who took his mind off of everything for a small period of time. I'm just the distraction. That's who I've always been, and it's who I'll always be. I'm just that girl.

April '07 (part 1)

Thank god for...

amazing friends who pick you up at 4:30 in the morning so you don't sit alone and get miserable. who come bearing a bag of chocolate kisses and cookies because we all know how much it helps to have comfort foods when you are upset. who then drive you to the Causeway and talk to you for an hour or two to help clear your head and make things seem better than they are. who let you cry as much as you need to, and talk about everything and nothing, just to get your thoughts out. just to have someone there to listen to you. who buy you red bull and smoke a pack of cigarettes with you just to calm your nerves and get all the stress out of your system. who then drive down to the beach and visit spots that they need to go to, and then drive you down to the other end of the beach to walk along the water with you like an old couple as the sun comes up. even though it's hard because that spot on the beach totally brings back a flood of memories, and it's pretty painful. but thank god for amazing friends who won't let you be alone when you are upset and freaking out because they know that things will be better, and they love you to pieces. who leave you in a much more positive a mood... even if your heart is still quite devastated. who try to justify why things happen... and give you the reality of things, while still trying to give you hope. who climb into holes in the sand and carve their names with you just so you have a cute new background for your phone... one that won't make you so sad. who drive you back to your house 4 hours after picking you up, and laugh with you at the swarm of people on your roof tearing off tiles, and then wait outside to make sure you get in safe and are able to shower at your own house. who, overall, are the most rare people in the entire world, but i am blessed to have in my life.

thank you so, so much.

"There are people in my life who give me comfort. When the going gets tough, as it invariably does, I can count on them for a shoulder to cry on - they will lift me up when I fall, they will hold me in their arms as I cry and tell me, "Everything's going to be okay." I am so thankful for those people. They are priceless."
I never thought you would lie to me. Repeatedly.
I never thought you would watch me suffer & not care.
I never thought you would go back to people who screwed you over.
I never thought you would let your own father think such bad things about me.
I never IMAGINED you would let him try to put a restraining order on me.
I never thought you would put me down to the girl who truly screwed you over.
I never thought you would touch her again.. Especially not more than once.
I never thought you could watch me fall apart this badly & not do anything to stop it.
I never thought you would break so many promises.
I never thought you could be so heartless to watch me suffer and not care.
I never thought you would push me away in just two weeks.
I never thought you would share OUR bed with that slut.
I never thought you would EVER hurt me intentionally.
I never imagined I could feel so much pain.
I never thought I would be wishing I had never met you.
I never thought I would regret falling in love.

I never thought I could ever feel such resentment against you...
feel actual HATRED toward someone I loved with my entire heart.

I guess I should have thought things out a long time ago.. Maybe then I wouldn't have been fooled into believing I had something that I didn't.

I hope you wake up next to her nasty, slutty body every morning & remember waking up next to me...
I hope you go out everywhere with her & are completely miserable like you used to be.. & then remember all the fun we had.
I hope your friends ditch you all over again so you can remember who your real friend was.
I hope you listen to Mae & Brand New & Deathcab and remember everything, every time...
I hope you go out to eat with her & remember how much of a whiny bitch she is, and how easy it was just to make me smile.
I hope she annoys the crap out of you so that you can remember how much you hated being with her.. & then remember how compatible we were.
I hope she does something to really piss you off so then you'll realize that she's turned you against me, & maybe then you'll be sorry for putting me through this.
I hope that the next time you sleep with her, you think of all 13 other guys she has been with before & after you, and how openly trashy she is.
I hope you look into her eyes & feel disgusted with yourself.. & remember looking in mine and feeling so much love.
I hope that whenever you do get into trouble & your so-called "friends" aren't there, remember that I always would have been.
I hope you see things that remind you of me, since EVERYTHING I see reminds me of you, & I hope to God that you feel miserable.
I hope that you suffer the way I have.

I hope you realize that you screwed up... Even though I know you don't care.


I hope you miss me.

I never thought I could despise someone as much as I do you right now...
Thank you so much for proving me wrong.

I deserve to be happy.
I always thought you could do that for me..
I guess I was blind to the fact that everyone else in your life has more say in our relationship than you do.