I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

All this time...

..was I really just getting my hopes up for nothing more than an absolute letdown?

Was everything between us really just a lot less special than I remember it to be? Or, has time just played cruel tricks on my mind and, even moreso, in reality?

It's insanely frustrating how many emotions one can go through in a matter of mere hours. A hectic whirl-wind of a roller coaster ride, I think that would be more of an accurate description.

To wait for months to finally have the chance to see one another again, and worse, to get so excited about it... To go somewhere with the mentality that things will fall back in place as if months and years had never occurred... To get swept up in a barrage of memories and then proceed to use those recollections as a mental guide for the way that things will happen... To feel nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, happy, insecure, embarrassed, angry, hopeful, frustrated, hurt, courageous and disappointed ALL at the same time... To finally come face-to-face with something that you've struggled to move past for a very long time, and then to be left questioning whether or not those feelings were, in fact, real/plausible/mutual...

You are, to me, a massive amount of draining and unnecessary confusion. I can try to interpret your actions as a negative thing, or I can look at it from the complete opposite way and give you the benefit of the doubt.... Problem is, I should be long-past caring about whatever it is that your behavior meant. I should stop pretending that whatever "we" were was something almost fairytale-esque, and realize that I probably went way too far, allowing myself to get lost in an illusion. All of this time, I've credited something that might not have even existed... And getting the truth is pretty much near-impossible, because who I am to you apparently doesn't matter in the least anymore.

Was I ever real to you? Do I even exist in your memory? Or, am I nothing more than a small bump on the road that is your life?

Give me answers. Give me closure.
Give me something better to go off of than the silence you left me with.
Give me a reason to finally say goodbye.


"..and what she'd give for one more smile,
and how she hoped he missed her."

-mayday parade-

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