I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Here's My Farewell...

..to a year that may have topped most others in my life...

..a year full of unexpected twists, surprises, new friends, reconnections, many mistakes, even more lessons, hello's, goodbye's, apologies, and so much more.

From ringing in the New Year in a front yard in Mandeville, Louisiana with Kourt, the Braiwick family, Nick Beesley, Eric, Aaron and so many wonderful friends and new aquiantances, to ending the year at home in Tampa, Florida with Josh and my amazing childhood friends, this year has seen me in places I never imagined I would go/find/see.

Here's to the good and bad memories and experiences of a year that was like no other before it.

Here's to the highlights AND the lowlights of 2008:

-Mandeville, Louisiana: Bourbon street, hand grenades, getting (almost) kicked out of the Dungeon... 3 strikes (Kourt!), great southern cooking, "boots with the fur", deep talks, great bonding, new friends, old friends, fireworks and bonfires, kegs in the front yard, Nick's car accident
-Tampa, Florida: apartment 3301 at Hawk's Landing, new roommates and the original neighbor crew (Naya, Caroline, Sayble, Derek, Cody, John, Sam, Doug, Xander), Cody's birthday celebration, cops at the complex, many parties, family guy nights, numerous "sleepovers" and houseguests, three guys in the shower, beach trips, smokeouts, Naya & Caroline sliding phones under my door while I slept, etc!
-Lake Tahoe, Nevada: three connecting flights with the family, Naegle room 1272, central hot tub in the snow, bad ending to a friendship over the phone, snowboarding lessons, mount Heavenly, Pats/Chargers game pre-superbowl at Harvey's casino, the liftee parties, firepits at Fire & Ice, bad bruises, Julia disobeying the "don't lick the frozen pole" rule, long johns, hookah and beer pong,
-Jacksonville with Sayble
-Valentines 08: "Family" dinner with the neighbors, dressing up with Sayble, visitors and people passing out early, macademia encrusted tilapia and asparagus and mashed potatoes, red velvet cake
-Shady hotel rooms off Columbus Ave and miller high-life's with the Minnesota boys
-Channelside nights and Tally road trips with Julia, High Springs, Classical music on 4 hour drives, "Charlie", the ABC game
-Tallahassee bars with Kim and her neighbors, picking on Carboy, all-nighter gossiping on the couch with Kimmy about boys and life and everything else, photo-shoots, waffles, movie times
-"TCS... what does that stand for?!" (Tom, Josh and Caroline)
-BOO and Nicholas: Aladdin, permanent marker wars on the passed out people, triple shower photo shoot, male cuddle-sesh, new backgrounds on my laptop
-Angel and Bob's visit: drinking with Caroline in our kitchen, one giant handle of Jack, "I'm gonna boom-boom-boom you all the way across the parking lot!!", crazy drunk mothers going after Angel, stairwell talks
-interesting job... (to say the least!)
-Parasols and THA, long phone talks and texting sessions
-THA and Kroeg, 4 am arrival times, lack of sleep for 2+ days, sushi in St Pete with Wang-a-Tang, brother's visits and green time, more deep conversations, Bee movie, etc
-4LL 3 day sleepover: skatepark in Tampa, "Flower and Esteban", peace/love and Mark Diesel tatt's, Ybor visits, Clearwater beach and saving injured seagulls with Esteban, burying Aladdin with tourists, booze, van-naps, Hawthorne Heights songs in the general direction, romance cover novels, purple ring, elephant bowls and triple b action, Rascal Flatts sing-alongs in the kitchen, broken vase/flowers in the bathroom, incense and candles, tater-tots and jagerbombs
-Taste of Chaos (Orl & TPA): Kourt, Dan, Johnny and I, rockstars & beer, fiddle and guitar
-many beach trips & spring break
-STD/AFS: Georgia, Sayble, Paige, Nash and Chris - dance parties and vodka/RB's all night long
-Crazy nights with Paige, temporary roommate, Dollhouse night and giving out numbers, "What if he came out of the room and I was like THIS?! haha!", strip photo shoot for Caroline, leading strangers on a goose chase, funny long talks, drunk late nights, ETC
-Red Sox games!!! Ferg's and limbo, drinks and dancing, "Sweeeeet Caroliiinnnneee..."
-Summer break and Kim at home, beach with my girls, wine nights with Chrissy Jen and Barry, Poblanos, "negative nancy's", crazy drama
-Nicholas visits again: Veil of Maya crashing over, Naya's room, Jeff and Caroline, stringing the babydoll up on the fan, everyone getting inebriated while I worked and the crazy drama that occured, police and Latoya getting hogtied (!), Planet Earth and Family Guy marathons, pantry episodes... Long drives to small skateparks and visiting, drives and text messages, bad behavior, Jeff singing country, etc
-Sacramento, California: change of plans and new destination, staying with an old friend and meeting several new friends, spending my birthday around a campfire and feeling at home, good brownies, SAC/Ludo at the boardwalk, airsoft guns, Mayday Parade singalongs, permanent marker tattoos, Ckah and Zachhall hangouts, Wii Mariokart, Cali trees, Sushi and mall-outings with Beardicus, walking/biking downtown with BA, thrifting with Alex, Chico and the police, benefit show at CSU, Holly Berry, vodka shots in Sig's car to Jacks Mannequin, interesting occurences/events, downtown show my last night, new bowls and swirly popsicles, Gina's apartment party, shots and alcohol alllllll night
-Dr Acula and Liferuiner: Tampa, Orlando and Jacksonville, Greg Moore and Ming, Jesse Garza and writing on his apt wall, all night talks with Donny, beach day with Stacy, D and Ernie, The Punisher, Walmart trips, craaaaazy drama
-Kroeger and Phil and AM, good southern cooking, BL with lime, van smokeouts, Chuckles and Biscuit, pillow fights and sleepovers in the guest room, long talks on the patio
-Gainesville with Kourtney to see Esteban, undercooked chicken, long talks at the bar
-Channelside, Banana Joes and the Hut, dollar pitchers, 807 porch nights
-12 at Bourbon in NPR: rekindling old friendships, 3-day excursions around FL, St Augustine and the Coca Cola Pavilion, dirty redneck fights in the pavilion, "Crazy Bitch" and Buckcherry's performance, DIANA (!), Diana dancing, back lounge til the sun was up (like usual!), talks/sing alongs with Kourt, Aaron, Art, Paul and Eric, "family moments", dance parties on the bus and bar and pier, hotel rooms and sleeping all day, the Conch House (enough said.. haha), Irish Jokes, SoCo lime tradition shots, "OYE!", "A & T, a a and t!!", falling down... both times, Paul and Art rescuing me, "where are my pants? and underwear?!" (hahhahaha), next day damage, 3-week long bruises, hungover car rides home
-sleepovers and rekindling things with Josh
-4th of July: dollar drinks, Josh and Nicole and the 807 crew, dancers on the bar, cab rides and small man going to the bathroom at the stoplight in front of us, skinny dippers at 807's pool, josh's car breaking down, driving to my apt and then to Brandon
-Projeckt Revolution: visiting with Nash, back lounge conversations, Linkin Park in the lawn and dancing and singing, Lancie-B and Kourt (typical! haha) post-show, driving to steak-n-shake and eating with Josh and his friends, getting back with my babe
-(Almost) daily chats with my wonderful cousin, Steph, and growing sooooo much closer.
-all of the up's and down's getting back together with Josh, and finding out that it worked out perfectly... something neither of us EVER expected to happen before it did!!!
-Casey Key with J and his family, boat outings, drum circles, beach retreat room 17
-Beer pong nights and jagerbombs
-Halloween and going out to Applebees with J, JG and Jaclyn
-Wine, Grey's and General Hospital times with Jenna and Christina
-"the roommates": Freak, Annoying one, Plain one and the Crazy one
-Hospital visits to J&C's mama
-Trip to Tallahassee, Thursday night out, Losing Kim, talking to the cop with Savannah, bus rides barefoot, "cavity search!" and the latex glove incident, girl talk, magna-doodle board messages, mirror messages in lotion, "He hung me like a m*f*in slave!", drunk talk, 5 am booty calls (hahahahahaha), Moes and mcdonalds, FSU adventures
-RIP Buddy - 11/08
-Thanksgiving @ 2 houses and Wii challenges
-Fort Meyers with Heather, hanging with Dan, catching up with someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time, lots of beers, lots of memories, Shinedown and A7X on stage, home at 4 am
-Next Big Thing: Kourt, Julia, Jenna, Paulie, Chrissy, Wang and many other friends, getting drunk early, such a great lineup, Anberlin, chatting with Chris, breaking my phone, leaving early
-Family guy nights with Jenna and Paulie, making food, taking exams, stressing and chatting, a Clockwork Orange, Ferg's with the crew and taco bell with Jenna afterwards, Mariokart Wii (of course!)
-Driving with Kim ALL DAY to Cross City (where?! haha) to get Josh's Christmas present... and keeping that a secret for 5 long days until Christmas!!!
-Puppy nights at Julia's, Dirty Love and Cruel Intentions, Julia being amazing and watching the puppy while I worked
-surprising Josh on Christmas morning with the puppy!!
-having an amazing Christmas at 3 different houses
-spending a good winter break with both my best friend AND my babe

There are SOOOOOOOOOOO many memories that I summarized or entirely left out, for several reasons, but I hold each of them close to me for some reason or another. Everyone in my life knows their involvement in the past year, and to each of you, I thank you for your part, whether bad or good. Because no matter how amazing or how awful each experience turned out to be, I took them as learning experiences and used each lesson to make myself a better person.

2008 both dragged on and flew by all too quickly. 2008 saw me at both my best and quite possibly, some of my worst moments. 2008 saw heartaches, heartbreaks, hard times, new experiences and rekindled flames. 2008 started and ended ENTIRELY different, and everything in-between was far more unique an unstable than could have been planned. 2008 was nothing like I originally hoped it to be.

2008, I salute you, and I bid you farewell.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Deep Inside of You.

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Check it out...

"When you were mine,
was I for you just one cheap thrill just to help you make it?
Damnit, I hope you didn't fake it."
-framing hanley-

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Concerning one's eyes.

How can you discern whether or not they are smiling at you or showing pity?
And if it's not a look of longing or a re-discovered,
familiar gaze full of memories, what kind of look is being expressed??

Most eyes are so easy to read.
Then, of course, there are a select few that leave me both wondering and, even worse, absolutely terrified.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

All this time...

..was I really just getting my hopes up for nothing more than an absolute letdown?

Was everything between us really just a lot less special than I remember it to be? Or, has time just played cruel tricks on my mind and, even moreso, in reality?

It's insanely frustrating how many emotions one can go through in a matter of mere hours. A hectic whirl-wind of a roller coaster ride, I think that would be more of an accurate description.

To wait for months to finally have the chance to see one another again, and worse, to get so excited about it... To go somewhere with the mentality that things will fall back in place as if months and years had never occurred... To get swept up in a barrage of memories and then proceed to use those recollections as a mental guide for the way that things will happen... To feel nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, happy, insecure, embarrassed, angry, hopeful, frustrated, hurt, courageous and disappointed ALL at the same time... To finally come face-to-face with something that you've struggled to move past for a very long time, and then to be left questioning whether or not those feelings were, in fact, real/plausible/mutual...

You are, to me, a massive amount of draining and unnecessary confusion. I can try to interpret your actions as a negative thing, or I can look at it from the complete opposite way and give you the benefit of the doubt.... Problem is, I should be long-past caring about whatever it is that your behavior meant. I should stop pretending that whatever "we" were was something almost fairytale-esque, and realize that I probably went way too far, allowing myself to get lost in an illusion. All of this time, I've credited something that might not have even existed... And getting the truth is pretty much near-impossible, because who I am to you apparently doesn't matter in the least anymore.

Was I ever real to you? Do I even exist in your memory? Or, am I nothing more than a small bump on the road that is your life?

Give me answers. Give me closure.
Give me something better to go off of than the silence you left me with.
Give me a reason to finally say goodbye.


"..and what she'd give for one more smile,
and how she hoped he missed her."

-mayday parade-

Monday, December 1, 2008


Why do we learn about history? As many of my teachers have said, history is taught to prevent us from making the same mistakes and to teach us how to avoid failure. Because, as we all know, no matter HOW much we think we can change things, history repeats itself.

Over and over and over and over...

Why don't we ever seem to learn our lessons BEFORE we the bad things happen again?!

I'd really like to know.