I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Sometimes I wish I could go back to times
before I really lost so much of my innocence..
back when life was a lot less complicated...

Back when I was comfortable with myself, inside & out.

I knew what the next step was, and more importantly, how to get there.

alcohol didn't choose the way my nights would end.. Or the company, either.

fake girls weren't EVERYWHERE.

I had friends call me from the road just to say hi.

my phone would blow up with drunken texts and calls most nights, usually waking me up between 2 and 4 in the morning, when I had class the next day.

*** I had consistency to my life...***

I didn't have so many reasons to not trust people.

sex wasn't such a high priority on most minds.

sex was actually considered intimate and special... not something to be done with just anyone.

the only money worries were centered around movies, shows and shopping trips.

friday nights were the highlight of the week.

we sang along to lyrics just because we liked the melodies... the words had no meaning to us. now, we sing along to songs that reflect what we feel and what we've been through.

love was real.

I woke up next to the same person every morning and never even thought twice about it, because it was normal and consistent.

people didn't have such high ego's... especially those friends who "blew up" and let whatever talent they have get the best of them.

relationships were emotional and structured. not just physical.

I could talk to a guy without feeling (or knowing) that they just wanted to sleep with me.

kissing someone gave me butterflies... real ones.

responsibilites could easily be pushed aside for a little while without everything getting screwed up.

someone loved me for who I was. no exceptions.

I hadn't known the depths of depression or the sting of heartache, or the cruelty and depravity of starvation.

I could sleep normally, and not get excited if I was lucky enough to get 3 hours a night.

losing 20 pounds hadn't happened, and my body still looked really great...

i could listen to Mae and Deathcab (& so many others) without being haunted by memories.

people always responded.

i never got left hanging.

the worst mistakes I made had to do with insignificant things like laundry, coloring my own hair, or homework.

my heart didn't feel so numb most of the time.

i didn't feel like i had lost everything that was once so dear to me... over time, i did. i lost everything that WAS, (at one point), my world.

i wasn't so insecure almost all of the time.

I didn't get gut feelings... at least I could get hurt without seeing it coming. Now i see it coming and I go along with it anyway... I always think that "maybe this time will be different..." It's NEVER different.

I could find the actual good in people, instead of reading all of the bad things about them right away.

honesty wasn't something so hard to find.

Back when I wasn't faking smiles or forcing laughter, for the sake of keeping things personal.

I wasn't bitter.

When happiness wasn't just something to look forward to... It was something I already had 24/7.

i didn't feel so awkward in my own skin.

when i wasn't so defensive of myself to other people, all the time... (i'm so quick to make my intentions known these days..)

society wasn't so sold on sex, drugs, trashy girls, scummy guys or violence.

When I didn't get stood up or ignored by friends or dates, or even by new people in my life.

When people said they'd be there, they actually were.. I never had to worry that they wouldn't be.

When things were alot less hectic.

people were immature, but mature enough for confrontation... as i've grown older, i've discovered that so many people around me can't deal with confrontation.

casual sex was considered gross... now it seems to be the trend. it's disgusting.

rumors were insignificant.. they only ruined days, not reputations or lives.

Relationships were kept sacred and so meaningful... Not just a hookup until someone new and exciting came along.

i never had to compete with another girl to get a guy that i really cared about.

drugs were never better than people... They NEVER replaced someone you loved.

drama consisted of either the spring play put on by the high school thespian group, or some silly, petty fight between two girls over some boy that they both liked.

cheating was only applicable to schoolwork and boardgames.. not relationships.

people actually wanted to get to know each other, instead of not giving each other the chance, and just hooking up for the sake of it... People never find out who they are missing out on if they let things go that way.

I didn't feel so "dark and twisty" inside.

people told you what they wanted, and then what they didn't want. there were always valid reasons.

we always got answers to why things happened... closure wasn't so hard to find.

a guy calling my phone wasn't just an attempt to get some... They actually were looking to talk or hang out.

drinking wasn't the way we solved our problems.

razors and knives were just kitchen tools and hardware.

who I was didn't contradict the person everyone else saw... It was the same person all around.

Pictures didn't lie... Memories didn't hurt... Songs didn't remind me...

friends weren't losing their lives... figuratively or realistically.

Worrying went only as far as the next day's test that I never studied for... Not about money or choices or guys.

change wasn't as terrifying as it is now... it was something we all looked forward to.

things didn't happen so fast, and moments didn't vanish so quickly.

you knew you'd see someone again for sure, whether at school, work, next vacation, or a show.

Death, suicide, rehab, pregnancy and jail weren't realities to any of us, yet.

Back when I knew who I was, where I was going, and what I wanted.

Everything has changed drastically since then...
I want completely different things and people in my life...
I just don't know who or what those people and things are.
Everything is so blurry.. So out of focus...

The world is spinning, but I'm spinning 3 times faster...

I just need to find myself...to find what I need...
to stop letting people get the best of me..
to stop hurting...to catch myself from falling...

And then, this tipsy world of mine
can finally
come to a

"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."
(Grey's Anatomy)


"She's inviting heartache, to come home cause she's starving for hope that maybe "baby" won't be pushed around."
(Jamestown Story)

Settling... We all do it. Whether it's for something that's "almost as good", doing it out of indecisiveness, or just to bring something to an end. We all settle. Sometimes, almost every single day. We settle for things when they aren't quite what we had in mind, but don't know what else to do. We settle for clothing or food when everyone else is waiting on us to make up our minds. We settle for people who we aren't crazy about when we're tired of being alone, and though those turn out to be incredible people who would be more than perfect for us, our "settling" usually winds up hurting and losing them.

"Settle down now."

I'm a silly girl. I'll admit it any day, and I'll definitely own up to the fact that I've made a large amount of mistakes in my life. I've made a great majority in the past two years, especially. I do this because I'm human. We make mistakes. And I've been fortunate enough to have been able to either come to terms with them, or let them be forgotten. Mistakes don't phase me. I know I'll be making MANY more throughout my life. It's just part of living and learning, you know?

That said... Settling can be a huge mistake.

Sometimes when people are hurting, they try to numb or mask the pain. There are many, many ways of "moving on." The best known are getting buried in work, drugs, drinking heavily, going after a new guy/girl, chainsmoking, keeping busy constantly, etc. All can be dangerous on so many different levels. Drugs/alcohol are addictive, and overdosing is an all too common trend. Getting caught up in a new relationship, or even just a hookup, can lead to so much pain for one or both individuals involved. Keeping busy (whether with work, friends or life in general) is a good option... But, like medicine, it's temporary. Sooner or later, it will wear off, and then everything will catch up and reality has to be dealt with.

After awhile, though, some people still would rather continue taking an edge off the pain. So they settle. They fall for scummy people, and take any attention (bad or good), even if they KNOW it's not real... But they'll take it, because they want to feel loved any way they can. It's painful. It's so damaging. But it's better than being alone. At least, we convince ourselves of it... No matter how far from the truth it really is. Honestly, we know when it's not going anywhere... When it's just a good time... When you're "just another name", or worse, "just another notch"... And as if it's not painful enough to know that ahead of time, we allow ourselves to become that name or notch anyway, just because we yearn to be loved, and hope for one time to be different than all the rest. Wishful thinking (and hoping!) is definitely deadly... In any dosage.

It's the same as being in a failing relationship... But not letting it fail completely. You never want to say goodbye... But as time goes on and things get worse, the situation becomes 10 times more painful for everyone involved. So really, "goodbye", (no matter how painful and hard to accept), is usually the best way to go. And going back into something that caused so much pain before?! Red flag!! NOT WISE! Believe me when I say that I know...

Don't ever settle, unless you're settling down.

We're smart. We're beautiful. We're strong. We deserve to love, to live, to smile and to be happy. Don't ever allow yourself to settle for anything less than that... For anything less than you deserve.

"Consider this, he was moving on while she was busy trying to pass the time between the previous and next nervous breakdown."

Saturday, October 20, 2007


"People are stupid and just want to be loved. That's the only reason anyone does anything."
(Grey's Anatomy)
Everybody makes mistakes. It's getting over them and moving on with life that takes time... and grief and stress... Often accompanied by a lot of tears and anguish. Unanswered questions. Soul-searching. Self-loathing. A wave of fresh, new mistakes. Learning. Accepting. Moving on. Forgetting.
Mistakes are the fundamentals, the learning blocks of life. Without them, how would we know how to handle ourselves in similar situations down the road? How else would we gain intelligence and understanding? It's the experiences in life and the mistakes that we make that build us into individuals, and make us into who we are. Mistakes are necessary. So, while it's easy to beat oneself up over something we regret... It's much healthier to see what went wrong, take it to heart, and consider it a lesson. Somewhere down the road, it will all be worth it. Every mistake that we make, and every poor decision or idea we made, will no longer be for nothing. Mistakes are the only way we know how much strength and courage we have... and how we'll use that later on down the road.
Mistakes. Regrets. Accidents. They're all part of life. Use them as learning tools... Or let them hold you down. The choice is simple. The act of doing so is difficult. But the end result... The end result is so worth it. I promise.
I need to get out of FL. I need to get on the road. I need to move to the other coast. I need many things.... Money comes first. Opportunities are key. Motivation is needed. Actions should be taken. I'm planning.

Friday, October 19, 2007


"I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning but the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found love

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
You'll survive the day
You say you're leaving
Say you're leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again your the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid."


I write a lot. Too much, I've been told. I have several blogs and a plethora of journals. It's out of control.

I'm infatuated with words. I love thoughts, quotes, lyrics.. Words express things on so many levels. It's incredible to reach an understanding through just a series of letters... Genius.

I'm single. I'm not looking for a relationship. Please don't try. I'm trying to live for myself, and it's hard enough doing just that, sometimes. The less complications... well, you know.. the better.

Besides writing, my biggest passion is music. It gets me in ways that people just can't. It's therapeutic and inspiring. Music transcends language. There are no better words to truly describe how I feel about it.

I get bored with things far too easily... Quite often, far too quickly.

I want to pick up and leave randomly, with no particular destination in mind.

I'm a dweller. I cant leave memories behind. They haunt me. It's painful and crippling. But it's familiar. It's the way I've always been. Somehow, I always manage to move on.. But I never forget. Ever.

I have issues. Trust, compatibility, intimacy, abandonment... It's intimidating. I'm fully aware of it. However, I can't help the way that I am. Learn to deal, or don't be a part of my life.

I despise liars. I won't tolerate anything other than honesty. I'd rather just hear the truth... No matter how bad it might hurt.

I love traveling, seeing new places, and meeting new people.

I love postcards and photographs. I also collect shotglasses from different cities.

I HATE not having closure. Ironically, I haven't had much over time, and I'm used to not getting any. I don't like to assume the worst, but experience has taught me to expect nothing less. I don't need all the answers. But please, be up-front with me. Not knowing things is agitating and too stressful.

There is more to me than anyone will ever know. I'm extremely guarded. I like it better that way.

Someday I will settle down, but not until I've truly experienced life to the fullest.

" she has a scar that runs down her back right along the spine, like somebody tried to steal it. i joked her like this: “someone must have ignored the blue prints, look at all the structural damage”. but i stuttered and trailed off. the smoke curled off of her lips. for a second i was dying to be it. dying to be as clever and kissable as her. there she was sitting in front of me, knee pulled up to to her chin. smoking a cigarette thinking of something or someone else. and thats how she will be stuck in my mind forever. two explorers in the dark, mapless and hopeless. alone together."


I've never felt alone, till I met you
I'm alright on my own till I met you
& I'd know what to do if I just knew what's coming...
Somethings gone, you withdraw, and I'm not strong like before-
I was deep inside of you.


I'm going to be alone for a long time.

The realization is possibly more painful than the actual feat of doing it. I'm sure of it.

Familiarity never feels comforting... It's more of an alienating feeling than anything else. Familiarity links memories with people, places, thoughts, actions... And linking anything to something you've known before is never pleasant.

So turn the music down,
I'm tired of talking really loud;
I've got just one last thing to say...

Let's just drive across the country,
just drive me to the coast.

It's just that I'm sick of this,
sick of here,
sick of everyone and everything around.
Let's just start over new,
somewhere else
in a coastal city,
* s u c h * a * v i e w *

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


"There comes a moment when it's more than just a game, and you either take that step forward or turn around and walk away."
(grey's anatomy)

Do you ever hear a lyric, a quote, a story... and instantly feel inspired? It's as if the person speaking is making a direct connection with you.. I'm easily inspired. All the time. I'll hear something, and wheels begin turning almost instantly in my head. I'm a thought person, you know what I mean? Thoughts.. They'll always get the best of me.

We play games to make light of things, and quite often, to help us heal. To make time fly by quicker and hopefully, much less painfully. Sometimes, the games work. More often than not, though, they just create a temporary blockage, which time has absolutely no trouble in eroding... and once that guard is worn down, the games become too much to bear. This is where today's quote becomes applicable. It's called Fight-or-Flight Syndrome. Persevere, or run away. (Walking quickly is still considered to be running. Call it what you will, but really, there is no other way to classify it). When it all comes down to the hard, naked and gritty reality, there are only those two choices.

I'm unpredictable. However, I tend to contradict myself more and more these days... So in all reality, I should probably say that I'm extremely predictable... Only in the sense that you can always count on me to be unpredictable. To do what is least expected of me... Whether that be a good or bad thing. Honestly, I don't really care how it comes across. My friends know and expect it from me. It's the only way I really know how to be anymore. I'm very defensive, and I try not to let my guard down too easily. Trust issues, surpressed memories, dark history... That's me. So I'm unpredictable. I like it that way.


I had to end this with something that made me laugh hysterically... People who come into the salon where I work are absolutely hilarious, and I always end up repeating things that they say, just for kicks. So here's to this woman... She's as straightforward as they come, and I respect and applaud her for it.

"Men take everything we say without a grain of salt. It's their job to make things difficult. That's why sometimes I wish I had balls."
(Salon Client)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007


Is it safe to say that, while many people find solace in burying themselves in a hectic lifestyle, there are still so many of us living daily on pure memories alone?

Society groups together the majority of people as either strong or weak... Those who can forget hardships and move on with their lives, or those who are lost-causes that have no fight left, who are expected to self-destruct, or simply vanish.

But people tend to overlook the remaining few--the survivors. Those who rely on memories alone to pull them through each day and into the next... Who define true courage as the ability to get out of bed every morning, and then still be able to make it through an entire day. The dwellers who find it impossible to seek comfort in anything but living through their past experiences. Who are scared of change, because of the obvious impending affect it could have on the only remaining stability in their lives. Change means letting go of everything familiar and constant, to take a chance on something new, that we don't know anything about. It's risky. It scares the hell out of people who are used to consistency. For some people, letting go of the past is simply out of the question, because holding on is the only bright spot, the only ray of hope that comes from the darkness that otherwise surrounds their being.

Time may play tricks on the mind, but never on the heart.

We are fragile. We are scared. We are unsure of how to move forward.
We don't know where tomorrow will take us, nor do we know how to begin getting there.
We have no set destination in mind. It thrills & terrifies us. It motivates & also debilitates us.
Sometimes we feel insecure. Often, we seem lost. Most days we feel defeated.

But we're alive. We're still fighting. We may just be existing for now, but that may be the only thing we know how to do.

Let us.

(Change is hard... But sometimes, taking a chance may open your eyes to see just what you've been missing out on.)

Monday, October 15, 2007


I decided it necessary to create yet another blog, for the sake of writing and venting. Something new and different. Somewhere to spill my thoughts, my ideas, my memories... The chaos that fills both my head and my heart on a daily basis.

This might just work.

"Eternity will never be enough for me, and eternally we'll live our infallible love."
(the spill canvas)