I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Saturday, May 31, 2008


"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar."
-Grey's Anatomy-

Hey, I gave it a shot.
I threw things on the table.
I won't throw in my cards just yet.
I won't continue to push,
but I'll be here when things cave.

You certainly can't blame a girl for trying...
or especially for continuing to stand strong.


"A person can only rise so high. Now I'm rising above, but there's a ceiling and I'm about to hit it."
-Grey's Anatomy-

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bad Habits & Spontaniety.

"So I'm stuck with the image you walking me to my car
and how nice it felt to be alive in someone's arms."

I have a bad habit of over-analyzing. Ask anyone close to me. Ask anyone who isn't.
Chances are, they aren't close to me because of something pertaining to me being far too over-analytical. Nosy. Accusational. A grade-A worrywart.

I tend to use past experiences to make assumptions, and often to read into situations, both early-on, and then as often as things catch my suspicions.
I also use past experiences to pass judgments , make accusations, and call people out on their lies, actions and behaviors.

For this, I am called negative.
I've been told I think too much into things.
I'm known to be a bit of a downer, as some have said.

((I believe it is referred to these days as "being realistic", actually.))

But that's all beside the point.

On that note, I don't really know that I have a point.
I never really do have a point to anything I write..
I just begin to ramble about something that's bogging my mind down,
and let the words find themselves.

((In other words, I'm a freak.))

Back to what I started talking about.
The over-analytical, often depressed, constantly worried mess known as me.

People disappear. In all sorts of ways, really.
They pack up. They get busy. They move on.
Or, they continue existing to everyone else around them, except for that one individual who has to find some crazy correlation between their absence, and the absences of so many other people in their life at that same moment in time.
They forget that this crazy individual needs bountiful amounts love and reassurance..
That, or the crazy one isn't so crazy, and they really are ignoring and side-lining them, for reasons quite unknown or fair to that individual.

Can you help me?
I seem to have misplaced my usual semi-nutty self, and here in the meantime, I've found vacancy in the body of a needy, paranoid, often-mopey pessimist.
I don't find the stay to be too welcoming.
The fit isn't right.
It's a little too dark for my tastes.
I'd like to go back to the other body now, please.

For awhile, I became quite exceptional at tuning out people who belittled, got to, or hurt me.
Correction. I just stopped letting people bring me down.
Real friends are always there, no matter how bad you screw up.
Those who aren't there aren't worth your time.
Wham. Simple as that. End of story.

When did I start letting people get to me again??
How do I make it go away?

I've put myself through unnecessary amounts of stress and grief the past few days,
because so many people have pulled the "Disappearing Act" on me.
((Or so I think... Maybe I'm just being myself and reading too far into it.))

It's not worth it!!!

I have another bad habit.
I care about people.
Way too freaking much, actually.
When people stop showing they care, I overcompensate.
Then I look like an idiot for trying...
It's always bound to fail, no matter how much I give.

I'm one of the most confused people I know..
& I thought people close to me understood that.
In all reality, this has ended several friendships over the past year or two,
because, as obvious as I think I am about being a mess inside,
& as obvious as I find my intentions to be,
apparently, I'm not so obvious, and I'm the "asshole" for letting people get confused.
This makes NO sense to me.
I can't even figure myself out, let alone the feelings or thoughts of others.
I'm not a mind-reader. I'm not aware that people are getting hurt.
I'm not a bad person, either; I'm certainly not arrogant or stuck-up.
All I want is to keep friends, strengthen old friendships, and find new people to love.
I want to figure myself out.
I want to be able to keep friends while I do that.

I don't understand why people take their hurt or anger out in such drastic ways.
I don't see how it's fair to bad-mouth me to people who have just met me.
And bad-mouthing about what, anyway??
I don't cheat on people. I don't talk shit about my friends. I don't use people. I don't toy with other's emotions.
THOSE are reasons to bad-mouth someone.
But to throw an entire friendship out the window over something like this???
I understand hurt. I understand some anger.

I do NOT understand the shit-talking.
The bashing.
The name-calling.
The "taking sides" and making a huge fuss over it.
The "don't talk to me"'s and the "finding all of her faults and calling her out on them."
The bitter attitude and the need to cut me out of your life, your friends, your circle.
& all because I was confused, because you thought something was happening, and because neither of us thought to talk about it until the situation was far too out-of-hand.

I've been down this road once before, and at THAT time, I didn't understand how a 5+ year friendship could be trash-talked and ripped apart, and ruined for good just because I didn't have the same type of feelings as he did.

Here I am, a year later, facing an almost identical situation, and I still don't understand.

I don't know what to do.
At this point, I can't do anything.
I tried. I got laughed at. I tried again. Nothing.

You know I care so much about you.
You know I consider you to be someone very important in my life.
You know I love confiding in you, and talking to you about things that so many other people haven't the slightest idea about, or don't see the same way that we do.
You know that not losing you as a friend back in October made such a lasting impression on me and on my life. Forever.
You know your honesty left imprints on my heart and mind; I always tell you, and it's true.
You know it meant the world to me that you had my back, even after my heart was broken.
"You'd do the same thing for me if I were in the same situation, Warner."
You damn well better believe I would.

If you don't know all of that, then THAT is where I failed you.
I never claimed to be an angel; I'm far from it.
HOWEVER, I am NOT a bad person in ANY sense.
If I failed to let you know what you do mean to me, then I'm eternally sorry.
Know that. Know also that I'm not fighting with you; I never was.
I friendship-drank with you. Do you remember that?? I did it because I CARE.

I'm sorry everything has spiraled so far out of control.
It's not on me to stop it... But I'd give anything to be able to turn it all around.

For someone who can so easily write down her feelings for the entire world via internet blogs, I'm not the best at communication. I'm quite terrible at it, actually.
I don't realize that I need to verbalize things, sometimes. Most times. All times, really.

So here I am at 6:00 am, going off on tangents and random thoughts,
and projecting my feelings on a silly internet blog that probably serves solely as a means to express myself.
I highly doubt anyone reads this.
The only two that did before were (1) the single subject of this post, and (2) the reason I wound up having any dilemmas WITH said subject.


My last day of work is Saturday.
I move out of my apartment this weekend.

I have no set departure date.
I have no idea how I'm paying for nearly 3,000 miles of gas, or $1000 for pre-trip repairs.
I don't have a travel route, and I'm not sure who will be accompanying me yet.
I had tentative plans to visit people along the way...
& they either disappeared, turned shady or had secret girlfriends & hidden agendas.
Go figure... Nothing surprising in my life.

Once in CA, I don't have a set job, though I've been searching relentlessly.
Oh, and the same goes for my living situation.
This would be a heck-of-a-lot easier if I had money.

Oh, and another bad habit??
If you couldn't tell,
I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator...
& NEVER over silly, insignificant things.
Nope, it's usually a putting off of life-changing or future-affecting decisions and challenges.


So... things are chaotic, and I have no permanent plans thus far.

Despite it all, I'm more ready and prepared to take everything on.
I feel more alive than I have felt in such a long time.

Oh, confusion.
Oh, bad habits.
Oh, spontaneity.

They will have the best of me in the end.

"So here's my advice to you:
this should've turned out different, but it didn't, so get over it."

Saturday, May 24, 2008


I don't understand why everyone in my life has disappeared.

I used to feel like people cared a lot more...
My phone used to blow up...
I used to get IM's and emails all the time...
People down here used to want to hang out ALL the time...

Now, all at the same time, everyone is too busy to even say "hi".
or to respond back to me.
or give me a call.
or just a text.
(it takes 5 seconds)
or try to hang out.

Everyone has found new people and forgotten about me, I think.

Even when I'm leaving, I can't get people who once spent all their time with me to drop an hour from their day to see me, over the people they will be able to see once I'm gone.

EVERYONE is gone.

What the hell did I do????

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Oh, Contradictions..

"If you ever said you missed me,
don't say you never lied."

Does anyone say ANYTHING truthful anymore?
Or is everything just a game, a scripted play to get ahead??

Seems like all I ever hear are lies,
or half-ass attempts at elaborations.
Stolen lines from songs that will forever get to me,
or heart-melting one-liners that have been sitting on the shelf since the last girl who heard them.

I get it.
I figure it all out.
Know that.

It's depressing to think that society is made up solely on fictitious lines and cheat-sheets and schemers.

Is there any truth left out there?

Find me.
Inspire me.
Surround me.
Breathe me.
Love me.
Fix me.

"You write such pretty lines, but life is no storybook."


"I'm tired of everyone here,
I just need some time alone
Before I'm ready to come back home

There's gotta be something else out there for me,
I could feel it in my heart the day I started to dream.
There's more than this Midwestern town,
I can't let this place keep me down.

So I tell myself:
"There's a girl out on the coast of California,
There's a world out there and it's waiting for you."

And I can hear them calling my name tonight.

Take me away, I need the sand and the waves
The sunset, and let's not forget those warm autumn days.
I just need to get out of here."
-dear juliet-

"Sometimes, I think I need to get away,
Pack all my things,
Get on a plane,
Head off alone one summer day,
Never look back at the town i called home.
Maybe visit california,
I hear its nice there in the summer,
but all the waves and coastline and sunset shores would just make me miss you more."

"One more year, we'd better make the best of this one
you just can't beat the weather here in autumn
please stay close to me
i just need to know you're gonna call me
i need to know that everything will all be
okay, while i'm away."

"I'm just a face for every picture,
A smile for your scrapbooks,
And a story to be told.

But I'm loving every second,
So commemorate this hour
As the last I spend regretting what I have."
-all time low-

"Another seven days
Heartbeat racing
The interstate, my home tonight
For one more long night
I'm sure as hell the happiest I've ever been.

Now make a change,
I'm counting down
The mile marks to every town
And falling more in love
With the distance put between us.

From coast to coast, I'll make the most
Of every second I've been giving with this crowd."

"I've got no place in my heart for a criminal like you to dwell,
in this endeavor, make this last forever...
I'm just delirious,
You can't be serious,
You're so infamous for leaving me a mess...

Take off your makeup, put down the camera,
choke on the drama that makes me want to,
tear up the pictures and pages you've saved,
creating a life of trends and make believe...

She gets what she wants and she breaks what she gets,
get out while you can or she'll tear you to pieces /
"Are you having a good time sweetheart?"

Carry on home,
I'll be waiting miles and miles away,
leaving you to be forever seventeen,
cleaning up the messes that you've made."

" Let's get drunk
You can drive us to the harbor
Wish upon a star but
Do you know what stars are?
Balls of fire, burning up the black space
Falling from the landscape
Exploding in the face of God

Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle."
-something corporate-

"I grow tired of writing songs
While people listen but never hear what's really going on now
Tell me what's so wrong now.

For most of men believe hell is never knowing who they are now
(Tell me who you are now)
Finally saved from the outside trapped in what you know,
Are you safe from yourself? Can you escape all by yourself?

It's not the lives that you save
But what the silence will scream."

"Staring out windows,
A place we've never been.
While soundtracks play in backgrounds
To the stories of our lives-
Non-fiction, oh envision,
if we never met and what we missed,
And never really learned
Pacific Standard Time."

"'I'm here for you,' she said
and we can stay for awhile,
my boyfriends gone,
we can just pretend.'
Lips that need no introduction
Now whos the greater sin?

Everyone in this town
is seeing someone else
Everybody tired of someone
our eyes wander for help
Prayers that need no answer now
I'm tired of who I am.
You were my greatest mistake-
I fell in love with your sin,
You littlest sin."

" Well I thought that we could sit around and talk for hours
about things I couldn't say to you,
and things that we could never do and,
This conversation has had no face
when the words take days you can re-write and erase anything.

and I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
to write about all of these faded things
we hope would mean the most to me
and each line is sent,
i have found a new pages of hope for the days when i feel like I've lost everything."
-mayday parade-

"i could only sing you sad songs
and you could sing along
and you could see the melody
that's been calling out your wrongs
and this never will be right with me."

"and you dropped the note and we changed key
you changed yourself and i changed me
i really didn't see us singing through this
then you screamed the bridge
and i cried the verse
and our chorus came out unrehearsed
and you smiled the whole way through it
i guess maybe that's what's worse

and i hope this makes you happy now
that the flame we had is burning out
and i hope you like your pictures facing down."

"Well, this hurts me more than I can stand to say
In just one sitting,
you left the room so I could pray.

So I'll pace the halls to see
If I could find a hole in something
Or maybe places to escape

Oh, and everybody knows this is the part
Of breaking down in anybody's arms
I'm reaching down and hoping this one's ours
God, please let this take..

And you got here just in time
To let me know I was worth saving,
If nothing more than for the heart.

Too proud to breathe,
But I'm too scared to say the things worth saying.
Who knew this trip would be this hard?

As I'm looking to the sky to count the stars
I wonder if you see them where you are."

"Im not, not sure,
Not too sure how it feels
To handle everyday
Like the one that just passed."


Monday, May 19, 2008

If you wanna hear God laugh, tell him your plans..

Barefoot in a cotton dress, dark hair in a tangled mess

And a head full of crazy dreams
She said
I'm going to California
A place where the sun always shines
I'm goin to California
And I'm leavin everything behind...
Stars burn like candles on that two-lane highway
She made her wish, and disappeared.
-Kenny Chesney-

I'm waiting for things to fall into place...
Then I'm ditching the East Coast and moving west.
New beginnings. New faces. New lives.
I'm leaving the drama and past behind.
I only have room in my car for good music, good energy, a few belongings, and myself.

I'm watching my dreams spark into realities.

This could be the start of everything I always knew existed,
but never thought I'd be able to have or find.

I am going after the world...
and rest assured, I will have it all.

I'm taking a chance,
This could be different..
This could be all I've waited for.

Goin' to California, yes
To resurect my soul
The sun is always shinin', shinin'
Or atleast that's what I'm told
I'm goin' to California
There's a better life for me, yes
Goin' to California
I'll write and tell you what I see
I'm goin' to California
Somebody say a prayer for me

Its just that
im sick this
sick of here
sick of everyone
and everything around
lets just start over now
somewhere else
the coastal city - such a view
and you wont regret a thing
its not like something is keeping you from me
and you wont miss a thing
about this place
about today
so turn the music down
im tired of talking really loud
i got just one last thing to say
lets just drive across the country
just drive me to the coast..
-The Secret Handshake-

Come on and we'll sing, like we were free
Push the pedal down watch the world around fly by us
Come on and we'll try, one last time
I'm off the floor one more time to find you
And here we go there's nothing left to choose
And here we go there's nothing left to lose
So I packed my car and I headed east
Where I felt your fire and a sweet release
There's a fire in these hills that's coming down
And I don't know much but I found you here
And I can not wait another year
Don't know where you're coming from but you're coming soon.
-Mat Kearney-


Don't you DARE undermine my intelligence.


I called this shit from the get-go, and I was right all along.
Fuck-up's like you need to realize that I'm way too damn good for your pathetic asses,
& quit while you are ahead. Don't waste my time.

Guys who play girls are pieces of shit.
Guys who under-estimate the girl they try to play?!

are the real losers.

Fuckin' liars.
& to think I tried to "be friends" with someone like that,
and actually made a few efforts...

Forgiveness only goes so far.
After that, common sense has to step in and draw the line.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008


Fuel - "Shimmer"

Everytime I hear that, it makes me want to dance. To throw my hands up in the air and spin in circles, over and over, and dance like no one can see me. Every single time.

Usually, I do it in my head.

Dancing to songs is one of the most liberating things for me. Not caring, not worrying what people think... Just existing in a moment and taking full advantage of the fact that (1) you are breathing, (2) you CAN dance, and (3) something about a beat, melody or lyric can inspire so many people for so many different reasons... That's liberation. That is love. That is what it is to be alive, and to know appreciation. To recognize and capture beauty.

"I reach toward the sky, I've said my goodbyes,
My heart's always with you now."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008


In the midst of darkness, Lord,
my spirit calls to you.

I like it rough;
'cuz I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

This hurts me more than I can stand to say.

You got here just in time
to let me know I was worth saving.

She says she's headed west
To make it right for one more night.

I lost myself inside a drunken kiss
And I, all that I wanted was to walk you home.

And what she'd give for one more smile
And how she hoped he missed her
Cause, God, she missed how he would kiss her.

She left her books, her car, her clothes, and a note
But all she wrote was, "Tonight I'm leaving on a train."

i'll have you know i'm scared to death
that everything that you had said to me was just
a lie until you left.

This old coast is full of pin-up paper rockstars.

And still she finds that every time she runs
She leaves behind another piece of her
On every city street

And I'd whisper that I love you as you fall out of your clothes
And we'd lay there in the darkness like the dream of you I had

And I'll borrow words from all my favourite paragraphs
To write about all of these faded things
We hope would mean the most to me.

Stay and watch the stars come out and then the sun as they all fade away
I'll sing you every song I know if it will make you want to stay.

And I could call you baby doll all the time
And you'd whisper in my ears you'd say I miss you.

Friday, May 9, 2008

the truth! haha!

I'm at sac/ludo in Orangevale right now. The Boardwalk. Weather is beautiful. California rules already.

This song really makes me laugh:

"Girl, I remember when we was sittin' on your couch,
watchin' Good Will Hunting, holdin' hands and drinkin' milkshakes.
But milkshakes melt, people change, and you dumped me on my birthday.
Right after I bought you that really expensive thing from the Body Shop
Called Jojoba Loofah Milktowel or something like that,
That I sold 147 Cutco knives to afford, but whatever, hey, it's cool.

I've moved on you know, I'm happy now - well, happy in a crying sorta way
You know, curled up naked in the shower biting your knees wishing you were dead kinda happy.

But I realized you were right, we were never meant to be
And you know what? THANK GOD.
'Cause you're the most vapid, whiny blah I've ever met.

Always making fun of my clothes, telling me how hot other guys are, asking me to pay you gas money?!
Buy your own gas you bug-eyed mooch - it's your car and it costs more than my house

Oh, and now you're going around trying to sleep with my friends..
Hey good, that really makes you an empowered individual - no wait, did I say empowered individual?
I meant two-cent gutter slut!!

Listen you tanning-bed-baked, broke-ass, goat-faced, oompa-loompa monkey problem,
I am proud to shop at Target, I'll wear warm-up pants any day of the week
Yes, your ass did look fat in those jeans, your mom's a M.I.L.F.
And I plan to get on your little sister just as soon as I give her a call back, oh and you know what else?

You can watch Good Will Hunting by yourself (you bitch, please die)
You can waste your life without my help (you bitch, please die)
You can hang out with your friends, that is if you had any friends!"

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Touchdown, Oakland.

Weird moment.


I love airports.

Airports have planes,
Meant to take you far away.

Adventures. Vacations. Freedom.

I am sitting in the Tampa International Airport right now, awaiting the boarding call for my flight to Nashville. After that, I will be landing in Oakland, CA. There, I will meet a train to Sacramento. Then my weekend will begin.

I am so unbelievably stoked right now.. I need this. I've been needing to breathe. To spread my wings. To see new places and revisit old faces. I'm doing it. FINALLY.

I came from work. My hair is still dripping from the shower, I haven't gone to sleep yet, and I'm positive that I packed entirely too much for a 4-day excursion. At this moment in time, I'm right where I want to be, and I couldn't be happier.

California.. I'm on my way.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

"Maybe we accept the dream has become a nightmare. We tell ourselves that reality is better, that we never dream at all. But, the strongest of us, the most determined of us, hold onto the dream, or we find ourselves faced with a fresh dream we never considered. We wake to find ourselves, against all odds, feeling hopeful. And, if we're lucky, we realize in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is being able to dream at all."

Falling... Up?

Everything is falling into place,
and it couldn't come at a better time.

Right when I thought I was more lost than ever..
after all the crazy stress I've put myself through the past few weeks..

I took a couple of steps back.
Then I doubled that same amount of steps, and used it to move forward.

I found myself.

I had company over for two nights this weekend..
Those two days actually opened my eyes to alot of things that I had been overlooking.
I can't say why, nor can I explain how... That's between myself and those involved.
But I felt alive again, I believed again, and I wanted more from life again.

I don't know where I'll be in the next few weeks,
but I know that I need to get there.
And... I will.
Just you wait and see.

I'm sub-leasing my apartment.
I'm moving out of state. (perm or temp)
I'm taking time to TRAVEL!
I'm taking classes seriously.
I'm applying for internships.
I'm doing things for ME, no worries what others think.
I'm going to see places I've only dreamed about.

I'm done wishing for the world, because I'm going out there to actually get it.


On a more solemn note... My dog, Thunder, had another stroke. Keep him in your thoughts.. It's breaking our hearts to see him this way. He's such a great animal, and I love him more than anything.


I just bought a train ticket from OAK to SAC.
My flight leaves about 24 hours from now.. I'm stoked.
Beach with some of my bests tomorrow..
Chiro, hair, nails, eyebrows, laundry, packing, bank, ETC.
I work at 7:30... Costume night. One more chance for $400 before I leave.
::Cross your fingers for me!!::

I have over $4,000 pending in financial aid...
Even better for a birthday present!

I should be arriving at the SAC train station @ approximately 4pm on Thursday.
I have money in my bank.
I have good friends I haven't seen in awhile.
I have some great shows to attend.
I have a weekend full of adventures to look forward to, and a much deserved (and needed!) vacation to get started in on.

California... Here I come.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Sunsets in Sillhouette Dreams.

"Oh, California in the summer,
ahh, and my hair is getting long..

fuck yeah, we can live like this."

Less than two days!!
I'm stoked :-)


Monday, May 5, 2008


"When you think happiness,
I hope you think: 'That little black dress'
Think of my head on your chest,
& my old faded blue jeans

When you think Tim McGraw,
I hope you think of me. "

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Old Gem.

You should never try to erase the past...
Without it, you wouldn't be who you are today.
The past shapes us for who we need to be in the future.
Everything - good or bad - had significance.
It's impossible to actually "erase" the past..
But why would you want to?
No matter how much pain there may have been,
& no matter how many tears we may have cried,
it was all necessary for building ourselves into men and women.
For strengthening our souls, our hearts, and our will to live.
People come and go throughout our lives,
Some of them very dear to us.
These are the people who, no matter how badly they may hurt you,
you will never forget.
You should never, ever try to forget them..
Because, at one time, they were exactly what you wanted.
They helped you to grow, to learn, to trust, and to love.
But life throws curveballs,
& everything changes...
No matter how badly it hurts, & though we don't want to,
we still have to move on.
Living in the past will leave an empty void for the future...
One that will never be filled.
Without having the will to move forward,
we'd end up causing more pain to ourselves & those around us.
The past is full of trials and tests...
Every one of them was there to build part of our future.
Dwelling in memories puts all of those tests to waste.
It eliminates our chances to be happy & whole.
Sometimes, though,
People get too hurt by their past,
& try to erase everything.
But without those memories and reflections,
what is there to fall back on?
History is taught so that we don't repeat mistakes.
We learn from our mistakes, our trials, our past.
The past should never be forgotten..
Nor should it become our present.
Where some try to "eliminate" or "forget" memories,
others simply move on & start anew.
No one deserves to live in guilt or pity.
Everyone deserves to be happy, and to be loved.
We have memories so that we can look back and learn...
Look back and smile...
& sometimes, look back and cry.
But memories only go so far..
Life has more to offer than what meets the eye.

Today, go out and live.
Start over.
But don't regret.
Don't dwell,
but don't forget, either.
Live for today.
Find yourself.
Figure out life's plan for you.
Take what you've learned,
& use it to move forward.

I want to start over.