I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

All A Gamble?

The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein-

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way.
Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real.
What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?
Because it feels so good when I stop.


“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?”

We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach.
We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much.
We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.

The past is only the future with the lights on.


Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Pieces of a Broken Heart Are Wasted Time.

Whoever said that nostalgia simply "comes in waves" had to be a phenomenal swimmer. That, or they had a great set of swimmies. Nostalgia comes in violent torrents, sweeping up every fragile soul in her path and dragging them deep under her cold, dark waves, leaving them lost and forgotten beneath her black abyss . Do you know what drowning feels like? Oh, you don't? Take a deep breath. Now. Stand in nostalgia's way. How long can you hold it?


She was an awkward, quirky, mess of an individual. A far-fetched dreamer, a tragedy at best. Her standards and morals changed rapidly with the seasons, and faith was, to her, fleeting--five empty letters that lacked substance and meaning. Some days, she hated everything about herself and her surroundings. Other days, she found splendor and joy in everything that crossed her path. Her dreams were nothing more than an ever-changing series of illusions and impossibilities, but she sang of them everywhere she went and never thought twice about the way others perceived them. She wasn't the most confident girl, but she always held her head up high so that no one could ever figure it out. "She found love in all the wrong places... Same situations, just different faces." Her conscience was a constant reminder of how poorly she allowed herself to be treated, but she justified it by telling herself that someday, sometime, the situation would result in something magnificent. Someday, she'd meet someone terrific... who wouldn't care about her mousy hair or her plain features... He'd dig deep inside of her soul and discover her beautiful secrets, and he'd love her for everything she stood for. She held out hope no matter how many times her heart was crushed/shattered/bruised, because she knew that somewhere out there, he existed.

He did exist. He found her. She hesitated.. But only for a moment. He romanced her and gave her hope. "She was a wreck, but he loved her." He swept her off her feet and she handed him her heart in return. He broke down her walls. She helped lower his guard. "She was a wreck, but so was he." She began falling for him, and then he fell away. He found her. She had him. He had her. She lost him.

Unlike library books, hearts aren't meant to be returned.

For years, she held out hope for him.. That someday, he'd return. He'd have to return. She set aside a piece of her heart, in hopes that IF he ever returned, they could resume right where they had left off.

She met many great people, and even some less admirable creatures. She'd laugh and smile and tell the world that she was happy, but secretly, she felt like she was suffocating. Her days and nights filled up, and while she kept busy, she made sure to keep busy with good company. In time, she even found someone to occupy her mind. Someone who made her blush and snuggled close to her at night and kissed her when she felt blue. But no matter how much she tried, and how guilty she felt about it, she could never give her entire heart away, because a piece still belonged to him. Her jigsaw-puzzle heart was (and would forever be) incomplete.

He went on to bigger and better things, while she remained trapped--a prisoner of her heart and a dark, bleak shadow of her former self. He forgot her name, forgot his pretty words, forgot that he carried that piece of her heart with him, while she remembered everything for both of them, all by herself. Alone. He opened her mind, her heart and her eyes to love... & then he stripped it all away in just an instant. She suffered silently, never giving up hope, but all the while knowing that he would never put her doubts to rest. They would cross paths now-and-then, but only to exchange brief and impersonal conversation, saying goodbye's as soon as awkwardness threatened to settle in. "And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say..." He'd look down at her with pity in his eyes, and she'd gaze back at him in despair, remembering.. Wondering. Wanting to make him remember everything as she did, every single day. Her words, so many times rehearsed to herself, would foolishly come out scrambled, in stutters and in ramblings, and nothing she wanted to express ever exited her lips. "I miss you."--"You saved me.".--"Thank you because you loved me." Random, brief encounters were all she'd ever get. He'd never hear her questions, and she'd never get his responses. Her closure would never, ever come.


Contrary to popular belief, the "happily ever after" fairy-tales that we grew up loving and believing in have led us to have false hopes about real-life "fairy-tale romances". We are a generation led by deception and lies and unrealistic expectations about love and lust and "happily ever after".

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Continuing This Lyric Trend...

Hey now, let's be honest
I really think it's true
You know sometimes we all bend the rules
You run with life, you've been around
You love to live to hate this town
And I hope and dream just like you do
Yeah, we've been here twice before
You want it to mean so much more
And I hope that everything goes through
She goes to California, oh California's not so far
When I close my eyes and wonder where you are
And you wish upon a star
Two thousand miles doesn't seem so far...
You play the games you play
You win sometimes you lose
You know sometimes walls run into you
Now you've got me thinking
And I really think it's true
The sun shines sometimes just for you

Is that really you?
Could you be standing there?
Please send a perfect line to catch me in a lie and take me where
I cannot defend what I was trying for...
Or dying for by wishing this would end.
Please don't say anything
'Cause only when my eyes are closed
Do you feel this close to me.
Do you feel scandalous?
Running fingers through my hair.
Knowing inside if I was not there.
You'd be somewhere else.
With somebody else.
Your fell for less.
Just like i fell for you.
It's not who you are--
It's who you know
It's not what you are--
It's just what shows
It's not where you are--
It's who you're with
If's not when you're here--
It's what you've missed

I feel useless, I feel tired
I feel aged and uninspired
This is a curtain call for us all
Then you call my name
At the changing of the guard
This is a curtain call for us all
I understand
Why it is we can't be friends
Turning back the clock won't work, we'll never make it
I understand
Why it is we can't be friends
Or turn back the clock

Can't you see that I'm trying to get through to you?
This door keeps slamming on my hands
I'm thinking about the way you used to be the one who sang to me
Your song keeps playing in my head
Maybe I should write it down
And turn another page
Then just rip it out
There's so much left to say
We live tonight again and again
And it's all I've ever wanted
All I've ever dreamed and more
And I'm sure
That when my friends wake up, we're somewhere in the middle of New York and California
Where are you?
Where are we going to?
I've got wheels on my bedroom floor
And oil in my closet
My best friends all live next door
Do you remember all the things you said?
Turn back another page like I never left
Until I leave again

Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on like it's all I have.
Count me out when it's clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.
I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.
Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you'll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I'll know what to say,
It's fine, this isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.

The house is dead by morning, as good as new again
The morning after funeral is coming to it’s end
Smile’s aren’t too tempting and hopes as good as lies
Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time
Just close your eyes, everything will be okay

i spend more time
tracing your face
wearing away my finger prints
you're so far away
we could stay up forever
no one sleeps til my voice finds your ears
your last kiss was something more like shrapnel
tearing through me
i spend more time
speaking through wires
living in circuits
you're so far away

It's the nightlife that gets them off;
So desperately they wait for the excuse of love.
We live like vampires
And we, we, we love like killers;
We all die like infants,
And we trust like mirrors.
It's the smoke and the drinks and the smiles that it brings,
It's the pain and the sex disguised as innocence.
Slow suicide...like it or not, it's what we do.
It's the love of guilt that forms the habit
Of being dramatically over-dramatic.
The songs they sing are in the key
Of the illusion of pain and its irony.
In the midst of lust and dropping names
The drugs they numb and they keep us sane

I used to be a stereotype
Half alive with half open eyes
With a one track mind
And a flawed design
Feeling like I was lost
At sea at only the age of 19
Floating around in alcohol and apathy
Taking in too much caffeine and nicotine
If we make it outta here alive
Just say you won't look back to see
Just who we left behind

My lungs are aching
From the cold from being outside.
And the windows in my car
Have started to fog up.
And it's colder than I remember it ever being in Florida.
My stomach's burning
And the stereo in this car is screaming so loud.
It's 3 a.m.
I'm just starting to wake up.
And it's darker than I remember it ever being in Florida.
The saddest song always plays
On the radio on the coldest days.

I still believe in
Facing all my demons
And everything that people promise
Everything I’ve always wanted
My mouth has been open
My words have been stolen
It may have been used against me
It’s starting to affect me
And now I feel this way
There’s a fine line between
Living a lie and feeling alive
There are times that I’ve been
Looking from the outside in
And here I go again
Falling behind losing my mind
I'm pretending it’s alright
Listening to the soundtrack of my life

I use my credit card to buy alcohol student loan spent at the mall and I
I may be going broke but I’m never broken down
We have our history just you and me but our future gets tucked away
Steps 3 and 4 staying drunk sit on this porch planning out how to escape
Cause were two truck stops off the interstate promised land with a twist of fame
Were a town for all the lost and found

You can lie to yourself and all your friends and pretend that you don't care
But circumstance gets in the way
You have so many opportunities I never had
Don't push so hard, nothing is ever easy
And this talent that you take for granted, it's a gift from god
Don't pass it up, nothing is ever easy
Are you ready to work real hard
Are you tired it's just the start
Listen to me son, I'll take you far
You can call it anything you want the fact remains the same
I never got to be your Fred Astaire

Words divide
Touched down on a southwest runway
Time collides
Shipments that never came
I drank enough
To almost feel at home right here
But not enough to make me disappear
Breaking rules and breaking down
Never thought twice about it

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Landon Pigg

Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours

And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I couldnt understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didnt die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the
Things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
(("can't let go"))

Words... (by E. McCarley)

Oh dear,
What can I say
I'm high here
Up and spinning away
From a kiss of a thrill to be filled can someone hear me

Love, what do you say?
Your mystery winds me up to be playful
Here goes my curious center with it is someone listening
I hope no one is listening

How do I slow down
I can relay to my heart now
I've thrown what i've known isn't love for me out?
I'm running on empty

Time says it's the end of the day
My inside says for your lips to forget what time says
Do I let go of the fear when you steal the logic around me
Oh god save me I'm trying

I think I'll disappear
Leave my head in the air
For a chance to feel
So far far away from here
I know I can't stay too long
(("lovesick mistake"))

It’s time for you to prove,
Within your ruby shoes
You deserve a smile with no regret,
Look at you
Kicking off your shoes,
Dancing for the world to see,
You got the power to believe,
Open up and see,
And I’ll be free and fly away,

Hello, goodbye
good day, goodnight
you love, you hide
You spring, you fall
turned on, turned off
what's wrong, what's wrong, love?

you say
you don't know, you don't know
you don't know.
you say you don't know
you don't know, you don't know what's on your mind

I'd love to hear you say
anything but silence
you're unaware that I'm so tired
And I've tried to understand
am I the only one cares here?
I can't let you, let you disappear
(("hello goodbye"))

You want me to be the God up in your sky
You want me to be that apple of your eye
So sweet to think you could make you mine
Well, it's not so easy

You want me to feel revival in your touch
You want me to feel everything you're dreaming of
But darling I'm tired, I'm all used up
Oh, it's not so easy, it's not so easy

My love, this is more than I can give
This is more than I can take
My love, I don't wanna let you in
To be another mess to me
I don't trust me with loving you

I wish I could be that diamond you've waited for
Yeah, I do believe when you say you won't take what isn't yours
But if I were you I'd walk right out that back door
It's not that easy, I'm not so easy
(("it's not that easy"))

I separated my heart from my head
To feel out what’s inside
I don’t like what I see so I say
Good night

Don’t wake me cuz I’m dreaming in color
Black and white is not my friend
Candy coded figures only in my bed

I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow
I’ve never been so insecure of what I know

I’ve gotta figure it out
I need a story to tell
Where’s the feeling I long for
I’ve gotta figure it out
Before I lose you love

Big city streets are calling me loud
The busy keeps me high
Well this quiet town is wearing me down tonight

Well I know that I should stay here for a while
Listen to the sound
Of my shaky heart
Looking for gold in the ground
(("gotta figure"))

Face down, on top of your bed.
Oh why did I give it up to you?
Is this how I shoot myself up high,
Just high enough to get through?

Again, the false affection.
Again, we break down inside.
Love save the empty.
Love save the empty, and save me.

Sad boy, you stare up at the sky
When no one's looking back at you.
You wear your every last disguise;
You're flying, then you fall through.

Stars feel like knives,
They tell us why we're fighting.
Storm, wait outside.
Oh, love, hold us together.
(("love save the empty"))

Pitter pat, the angel on my shoulder
Is haunting me tonight
Tick tock, the clock is getting louder
Ready for me to decide

I've lost my sense of right and wrong
Well-justified my soul to carry on
It feels so damn good to write off the rules
But when a new day breaks
I'm left a fool
I'm such a fool

Pain takes my heart's place
But your sweet sweet love,
Oh, I can taste it
But still can't face it

I Thought I Saw Your Face Today...

The cars and freeways implore me to stay way out of this place

My mother said just keep your head and play it as it plays

I somehow see what's beautiful in things that are ephemeral
I'm my only friend, am I?
Love is just a piece of time
in the world
And I couldn't help but fall in love again

-she & him-

Friday, February 20, 2009

Silent Ambush

You stumbled on my hunting ground
too bad... really.
you were such a lovely thing
til I found out your secrets
Run away now

Taste my last kiss, my silent ambush
Take one last look & beg for mercy.

Don't try dishing out more lies
'cause I'm serious
you've wandered into open season and
I'm bored and furious
run away now

Sometimes I can't help wondering
how I might wear your apology..
but that's no fun.

Run away now.
-rie sinclair-

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor

Where I laid and told you, but you swear you loved me more

We'll go to the bottom of every bottle
The end of theline on every story
Those times we miss, those times we reminisce
Those were the good old days
I hold in heart and cherish. Never forget

The liquors there just to keep you warm.

I know, you know what.
I'll fold, I'll forget.
Will you?

Sometimes the hardest things in life
Are the things we have to do

This is a lovesong for the desperate and the lonely.
You could have nothing but you’ll still have me.

I’m alive but not inside.
And you know all I wanted was your love,
but you left me high and dry.
You’re the part of me that died my darling.

You were the one to gun our love straight down
like a stone in a river.
You shot your favorite enemy.
Watch me bleed.

What good is dreaming when I can't even sleep here?
What good is lying down with no one to hold?
What good is letting go when something won't let me?
What good is saying goodbye now that you're gone?

Baby never calls me now.
She don't need a past to dream about,
living life the way the stars abound.
And who am I to tell her "Pull them down?"
Baby doesn't need a drink.
Lord knows she never stops to think.

It's kind of laughable how life tends to spin us out,
after beating us down like it did before.
It's finally laughable how it rains and it pours again,
I'll just stand here soaking it all in.
Well if this is how life is,
I won't back down from this: anymore.

Saturday, February 14, 2009


And maybe
I'll see you
at a movie
sneak preview
You'll show up
and walk by
on the arm
of that guy
And I'll smile
and you'll wave
we'll pretend
it's okay
-blink 182-

Friday, February 13, 2009


"The best and most beautiful things in the
world cannot be seen or even touched.
They must be felt with the heart."
-Helen Keller-

Thursday, February 5, 2009

If Juliet was stupid enough to fall for the enemy,
drink a bottle of poison, and go to sleep in a mausoleum,
then she deserved everything she got.

-Grey's Anatomy-

Skipping beats, blushing cheeks, I am struggling

Daydreaming, bed scenes in the corner cafe
And then I'm left in bits, recovering tectonic tremblings,
you get me every time.
-imogen heap-

I am a mirror with no reflection,
I am a razor without my blade
I am the daylight when the moon shines no
who will want to make my sandcastle that's already made?
-imogen heap-

I swear that I’ve been here before
on this same couch with this same disregard..
Baby, this is where darkness lives
and it’ll catch you off your guard.
I hope you can believe there’s more to me
than what you see.
-obadiah parker-

We're damned by the existential moment where
We saw the couple in the coma and
It was we were the cliché,
But we carried on anyway.
-ben folds-

You always said I was an actor, baby
Guess in truth you thought me just amateur.
-ray lamontagne-

She is left all alone
Her lover's out to sea
And I cant help her feel that she is just like me.

I've never been so deep inside a shadow
I've never been so insecure of what I know
I've gotta figure it out
I need a story to tell.
-erin mccarley-

How does circumstance
Seem to cost us every chance
At living out the truth in our hearts?
-kina grannis-