Thanks.

PART ONE:

I met a guy once who reminded me that I deserve to be happy, and that love really does exist. Not just any kind of love... But the most incredible, intense kind of love that very few people think is actually out there. In fact, he came into my life right when I needed intervention most. I was bitter and cynical, and very negative toward all aspects of love and relationships. He quickly made me realize that love is NEVER a bad thing... That I just hadn't experienced yet the love that I truly deserve. He also made me learn that you can't force love... It comes to those who wait. Those who are patient; who won't take it for granted... Those who will appreciate and cherish it because they recognize how beautiful it is.

That guy will probably never read this..

But if you ever do.. Thank you. Thank you for making me feel gorgeous, both inside and out. For not giving up on me, even with all my negativity toward anything good in life. For sitting on the phone with me for hours, talking about what most people would consider only insignificant things... It meant the world to me. For asking me about my day, and actually WANTING to hear about it... and for calling to comfort me when you knew I'd had it rough. For sending me silly pictures and texts to cheer me up, and staying up to talk to me when I pulled all-nighters, right until I walked into class the next morning. For driving 14 hours based on a whim you'd had earlier that day, just to take a road-trip to come see me for a few days... No one has ever done anything remotely close to that. For being a friend to me when I needed someone to talk to, and for confiding in me when you needed a friend as well. For taking me on the most romantic date I've ever been on... and being an absolute gentleman about everything. For never pushing me, when most guys in your position would have. For giving me hope. You changed me. It took awhile to realize it, because for a long time, I was really hurt... I was angry. I won't ever understand the tension, or why things are so bitter.. But I respect you and your decisions, even if they cut me out of your life forever. I miss talking to you, because you understood me like not many people do. You were a great friend to me... A great inspiration. You made the future feel possible and exciting again. You brought life back into my heart and my mind, and for that, I will be eternally grateful. I'll never forget the impact you made on me.

Thank you for saving me..


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PART TWO:

i just typed an entire post
and x'ed out by accident.
i might cry...

it's 6 am and i can't sleep.
i wish i could sleep...
i hate laying awake and thinking...

i could be lying awake and feeling sorry for myself..
or, even better, i could be reassuring myself that things are good.
but instead, i'm doing an unhealthy combination of the two,
and it's doing a little more than screwing with my mind..
i hate it.

am i pathetic for thinking about things,
and for feeling sad that "things" ended over 2 months ago?
i'm usually good at putting things behind me,
but for some reason, i can't shake thoughts of him...

i don't know if he ever thinks of me..
i'd like to think that he does, but i'm not so sure.
all i know is that i hope i brought a little happiness into his life..
i tried so hard. ya know?

it was real, right??
even if it was only what, a month long?
yeah... it was real.
i'd been through hell,
and he made things seem okay again...
something like that doesn't come around often...

i feel like i screwed something up,
and i don't even know how i did...
i feel like i lost something truly amazing,
and in fact, i know that i did....

i wish i knew what went so terribly wrong...

i can't listen to certain songs, or to certain bands,
without remembering certain times and memories...
every single time i go to the beach,
i can't help but remember the most romantic date i've ever been on...

i hate that i'm sitting here, hung up on things,
when i probably look really lame for doing so...
i've had long relationships, and i've had alot
of really hard crap in my life...
& here i am, dwelling on this...

i miss getting excited every time my phone went off..
i miss cute little picture messages that made me smile.

god...

i wish it had been left with what you said..
that, when we figure our lives out,
maybe we'll meet up again...

now i feel like that will never happen,
because i'm pretty sure you hate me...
i don't know what changed so fast...

i wish you knew that i never ONCE didn't respect you
or anything you've been through...
i thought you knew i did with all of my heart.
i tried to understand and be a good friend..
i really did try.

ughh...

alright, i'm done.
i just needed to clear my mind.


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PART THREE:

all i want you to know is that i care about you.
i still think about you now & then, and even if i never
cross your mind again, it doesn't matter to me.
you were sweeter to me in just one month than any guy has
ever been in any amount of time.

It gave me hope, ya know?
i'll never understand why things went downhill the way they did,
but i do know that for just a small amount of time,
someone really cared about me.
that meant alot to me. all of it. it still does.
i still have the rose you gave me on the first date,
and there are alot of things i miss about you.
no one else would stay up all night on the phone with me,
or read all of my lame surveys and whatnot.
so it really sucks to know i can't have that...
but at the same time, i'm so lucky i had that, even if it only lasted so long.

So... i'm cheesy and lame, and that's all i wanted to say.
i hate that we don't talk and that things fell apart the way that they did.
i hope that someday you'll think about me, too..
but if you don't, thank you.