I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Sunday, October 21, 2007


Sometimes I wish I could go back to times
before I really lost so much of my innocence..
back when life was a lot less complicated...

Back when I was comfortable with myself, inside & out.

I knew what the next step was, and more importantly, how to get there.

alcohol didn't choose the way my nights would end.. Or the company, either.

fake girls weren't EVERYWHERE.

I had friends call me from the road just to say hi.

my phone would blow up with drunken texts and calls most nights, usually waking me up between 2 and 4 in the morning, when I had class the next day.

*** I had consistency to my life...***

I didn't have so many reasons to not trust people.

sex wasn't such a high priority on most minds.

sex was actually considered intimate and special... not something to be done with just anyone.

the only money worries were centered around movies, shows and shopping trips.

friday nights were the highlight of the week.

we sang along to lyrics just because we liked the melodies... the words had no meaning to us. now, we sing along to songs that reflect what we feel and what we've been through.

love was real.

I woke up next to the same person every morning and never even thought twice about it, because it was normal and consistent.

people didn't have such high ego's... especially those friends who "blew up" and let whatever talent they have get the best of them.

relationships were emotional and structured. not just physical.

I could talk to a guy without feeling (or knowing) that they just wanted to sleep with me.

kissing someone gave me butterflies... real ones.

responsibilites could easily be pushed aside for a little while without everything getting screwed up.

someone loved me for who I was. no exceptions.

I hadn't known the depths of depression or the sting of heartache, or the cruelty and depravity of starvation.

I could sleep normally, and not get excited if I was lucky enough to get 3 hours a night.

losing 20 pounds hadn't happened, and my body still looked really great...

i could listen to Mae and Deathcab (& so many others) without being haunted by memories.

people always responded.

i never got left hanging.

the worst mistakes I made had to do with insignificant things like laundry, coloring my own hair, or homework.

my heart didn't feel so numb most of the time.

i didn't feel like i had lost everything that was once so dear to me... over time, i did. i lost everything that WAS, (at one point), my world.

i wasn't so insecure almost all of the time.

I didn't get gut feelings... at least I could get hurt without seeing it coming. Now i see it coming and I go along with it anyway... I always think that "maybe this time will be different..." It's NEVER different.

I could find the actual good in people, instead of reading all of the bad things about them right away.

honesty wasn't something so hard to find.

Back when I wasn't faking smiles or forcing laughter, for the sake of keeping things personal.

I wasn't bitter.

When happiness wasn't just something to look forward to... It was something I already had 24/7.

i didn't feel so awkward in my own skin.

when i wasn't so defensive of myself to other people, all the time... (i'm so quick to make my intentions known these days..)

society wasn't so sold on sex, drugs, trashy girls, scummy guys or violence.

When I didn't get stood up or ignored by friends or dates, or even by new people in my life.

When people said they'd be there, they actually were.. I never had to worry that they wouldn't be.

When things were alot less hectic.

people were immature, but mature enough for confrontation... as i've grown older, i've discovered that so many people around me can't deal with confrontation.

casual sex was considered gross... now it seems to be the trend. it's disgusting.

rumors were insignificant.. they only ruined days, not reputations or lives.

Relationships were kept sacred and so meaningful... Not just a hookup until someone new and exciting came along.

i never had to compete with another girl to get a guy that i really cared about.

drugs were never better than people... They NEVER replaced someone you loved.

drama consisted of either the spring play put on by the high school thespian group, or some silly, petty fight between two girls over some boy that they both liked.

cheating was only applicable to schoolwork and boardgames.. not relationships.

people actually wanted to get to know each other, instead of not giving each other the chance, and just hooking up for the sake of it... People never find out who they are missing out on if they let things go that way.

I didn't feel so "dark and twisty" inside.

people told you what they wanted, and then what they didn't want. there were always valid reasons.

we always got answers to why things happened... closure wasn't so hard to find.

a guy calling my phone wasn't just an attempt to get some... They actually were looking to talk or hang out.

drinking wasn't the way we solved our problems.

razors and knives were just kitchen tools and hardware.

who I was didn't contradict the person everyone else saw... It was the same person all around.

Pictures didn't lie... Memories didn't hurt... Songs didn't remind me...

friends weren't losing their lives... figuratively or realistically.

Worrying went only as far as the next day's test that I never studied for... Not about money or choices or guys.

change wasn't as terrifying as it is now... it was something we all looked forward to.

things didn't happen so fast, and moments didn't vanish so quickly.

you knew you'd see someone again for sure, whether at school, work, next vacation, or a show.

Death, suicide, rehab, pregnancy and jail weren't realities to any of us, yet.

Back when I knew who I was, where I was going, and what I wanted.

Everything has changed drastically since then...
I want completely different things and people in my life...
I just don't know who or what those people and things are.
Everything is so blurry.. So out of focus...

The world is spinning, but I'm spinning 3 times faster...

I just need to find myself...to find what I need...
to stop letting people get the best of me..
to stop hurting...to catch myself from falling...

And then, this tipsy world of mine
can finally
come to a

"Change; we don’t like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change or we get left behind. And it hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn’t is lying. But heres the truth: the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Oh, sometimes, change is ... everything."
(Grey's Anatomy)

No comments: