April '07 (part 3)

It's 2 am and I'm laying awake again, waiting... Waiting for exhaustion to consume me... Waiting for clarity to wash over me, to finally give me closure and to finally wipe away the memories and questions... Waiting for "an absolution that will never come." Too many nights before this have been spent the same way.. But why? I'm happy now. I've moved on. He's moved on. I've found strength, and more importantly, myself. It's been a struggle and one hell of a journey, but I've made it. Yet still, times like these can't just leave me well enough alone.

Memories haunt me. Not being able to remember scares me in ways that I didn't know were possible. I don't remember what it felt like to touch his skin, to be in his arms, to kiss him... I don't remember the way his hair smelled, or the look in his eyes when he told me he loved me... Not being able to remember is draining me. I wish I could. I wish I could remember, just so I could remember what it feels like to be loved. I miss someone loving me. I'll never have my closure. One night we were getting back together; the next, he was fooling around with his new girlfriend. He's still with her. She sleeps in my old bed. She lives in my old room. She has my old life. She took over everything that used to be mine. I don't like this. I don't like dwelling in the past, or wasting time or tears on him. He doesn't deserve it, and I know I'm so much better off without him. So why can't I just forget? I wish I could. I would give anything to erase his name, his face, our relationship... just from my memories. I haven't had a day go by in months without just ONCE thinking about him.

So much has happened the past few months... It feels like an eternity has passed since we ended things. I've had so many different people come in and out of my life.... So many silly mistakes, dumb heartaches, drunken nights, crazy adventures.... Met so many random, incredible people... I've done so many things that I had only dreamt about before, and I'm still moving forward.... The only thing holding me back are the constant waves of nostalgia. Too many memories. They don't come now and then anymore. It's just constant. A steady, continuous flow. Uninterrupted, un-tamed, unforgettable... Not understable in any way, shape or form.