I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bad Habits & Spontaniety.

"So I'm stuck with the image you walking me to my car
and how nice it felt to be alive in someone's arms."

I have a bad habit of over-analyzing. Ask anyone close to me. Ask anyone who isn't.
Chances are, they aren't close to me because of something pertaining to me being far too over-analytical. Nosy. Accusational. A grade-A worrywart.

I tend to use past experiences to make assumptions, and often to read into situations, both early-on, and then as often as things catch my suspicions.
I also use past experiences to pass judgments , make accusations, and call people out on their lies, actions and behaviors.

For this, I am called negative.
I've been told I think too much into things.
I'm known to be a bit of a downer, as some have said.

((I believe it is referred to these days as "being realistic", actually.))

But that's all beside the point.

On that note, I don't really know that I have a point.
I never really do have a point to anything I write..
I just begin to ramble about something that's bogging my mind down,
and let the words find themselves.

((In other words, I'm a freak.))

Back to what I started talking about.
The over-analytical, often depressed, constantly worried mess known as me.

People disappear. In all sorts of ways, really.
They pack up. They get busy. They move on.
Or, they continue existing to everyone else around them, except for that one individual who has to find some crazy correlation between their absence, and the absences of so many other people in their life at that same moment in time.
They forget that this crazy individual needs bountiful amounts love and reassurance..
That, or the crazy one isn't so crazy, and they really are ignoring and side-lining them, for reasons quite unknown or fair to that individual.

Can you help me?
I seem to have misplaced my usual semi-nutty self, and here in the meantime, I've found vacancy in the body of a needy, paranoid, often-mopey pessimist.
I don't find the stay to be too welcoming.
The fit isn't right.
It's a little too dark for my tastes.
I'd like to go back to the other body now, please.

For awhile, I became quite exceptional at tuning out people who belittled, got to, or hurt me.
Correction. I just stopped letting people bring me down.
Real friends are always there, no matter how bad you screw up.
Those who aren't there aren't worth your time.
Wham. Simple as that. End of story.

When did I start letting people get to me again??
How do I make it go away?

I've put myself through unnecessary amounts of stress and grief the past few days,
because so many people have pulled the "Disappearing Act" on me.
((Or so I think... Maybe I'm just being myself and reading too far into it.))

It's not worth it!!!

I have another bad habit.
I care about people.
Way too freaking much, actually.
When people stop showing they care, I overcompensate.
Then I look like an idiot for trying...
It's always bound to fail, no matter how much I give.

I'm one of the most confused people I know..
& I thought people close to me understood that.
In all reality, this has ended several friendships over the past year or two,
because, as obvious as I think I am about being a mess inside,
& as obvious as I find my intentions to be,
apparently, I'm not so obvious, and I'm the "asshole" for letting people get confused.
This makes NO sense to me.
I can't even figure myself out, let alone the feelings or thoughts of others.
I'm not a mind-reader. I'm not aware that people are getting hurt.
I'm not a bad person, either; I'm certainly not arrogant or stuck-up.
All I want is to keep friends, strengthen old friendships, and find new people to love.
I want to figure myself out.
I want to be able to keep friends while I do that.

I don't understand why people take their hurt or anger out in such drastic ways.
I don't see how it's fair to bad-mouth me to people who have just met me.
And bad-mouthing about what, anyway??
I don't cheat on people. I don't talk shit about my friends. I don't use people. I don't toy with other's emotions.
THOSE are reasons to bad-mouth someone.
But to throw an entire friendship out the window over something like this???
I understand hurt. I understand some anger.

I do NOT understand the shit-talking.
The bashing.
The name-calling.
The "taking sides" and making a huge fuss over it.
The "don't talk to me"'s and the "finding all of her faults and calling her out on them."
The bitter attitude and the need to cut me out of your life, your friends, your circle.
& all because I was confused, because you thought something was happening, and because neither of us thought to talk about it until the situation was far too out-of-hand.

I've been down this road once before, and at THAT time, I didn't understand how a 5+ year friendship could be trash-talked and ripped apart, and ruined for good just because I didn't have the same type of feelings as he did.

Here I am, a year later, facing an almost identical situation, and I still don't understand.

I don't know what to do.
At this point, I can't do anything.
I tried. I got laughed at. I tried again. Nothing.

You know I care so much about you.
You know I consider you to be someone very important in my life.
You know I love confiding in you, and talking to you about things that so many other people haven't the slightest idea about, or don't see the same way that we do.
You know that not losing you as a friend back in October made such a lasting impression on me and on my life. Forever.
You know your honesty left imprints on my heart and mind; I always tell you, and it's true.
You know it meant the world to me that you had my back, even after my heart was broken.
"You'd do the same thing for me if I were in the same situation, Warner."
You damn well better believe I would.

If you don't know all of that, then THAT is where I failed you.
I never claimed to be an angel; I'm far from it.
HOWEVER, I am NOT a bad person in ANY sense.
If I failed to let you know what you do mean to me, then I'm eternally sorry.
Know that. Know also that I'm not fighting with you; I never was.
I friendship-drank with you. Do you remember that?? I did it because I CARE.

I'm sorry everything has spiraled so far out of control.
It's not on me to stop it... But I'd give anything to be able to turn it all around.

For someone who can so easily write down her feelings for the entire world via internet blogs, I'm not the best at communication. I'm quite terrible at it, actually.
I don't realize that I need to verbalize things, sometimes. Most times. All times, really.

So here I am at 6:00 am, going off on tangents and random thoughts,
and projecting my feelings on a silly internet blog that probably serves solely as a means to express myself.
I highly doubt anyone reads this.
The only two that did before were (1) the single subject of this post, and (2) the reason I wound up having any dilemmas WITH said subject.


My last day of work is Saturday.
I move out of my apartment this weekend.

I have no set departure date.
I have no idea how I'm paying for nearly 3,000 miles of gas, or $1000 for pre-trip repairs.
I don't have a travel route, and I'm not sure who will be accompanying me yet.
I had tentative plans to visit people along the way...
& they either disappeared, turned shady or had secret girlfriends & hidden agendas.
Go figure... Nothing surprising in my life.

Once in CA, I don't have a set job, though I've been searching relentlessly.
Oh, and the same goes for my living situation.
This would be a heck-of-a-lot easier if I had money.

Oh, and another bad habit??
If you couldn't tell,
I tend to be a bit of a procrastinator...
& NEVER over silly, insignificant things.
Nope, it's usually a putting off of life-changing or future-affecting decisions and challenges.


So... things are chaotic, and I have no permanent plans thus far.

Despite it all, I'm more ready and prepared to take everything on.
I feel more alive than I have felt in such a long time.

Oh, confusion.
Oh, bad habits.
Oh, spontaneity.

They will have the best of me in the end.

"So here's my advice to you:
this should've turned out different, but it didn't, so get over it."

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