Missing...

When I'm missing a lot of things at once, I feel a deep void inside.

It leaves me hollow and in question.
Opening closed (or semi-closed) doors. (Or trying to, at least).
Stuck once again in memories.
Wishing things were different.

But things aren't different. They won't be different. They are the way they are for a reason, and they can't (won't) ever be the same again.

This is life.

We don't make the rules. We don't get much say in how the game is played. We are merely pawns, cardboard or plastic cut-outs, and the next place we land is determined by the card-holder. The dice-tosser. The banker. Ultimately, overall, the rule-book. It goes without saying that cheating life is much more difficult than cheating a silly board-game. If it were that easy, we'd all be doing it.

(NOTE: By 'cheating life', I don't mean 'cheating IN life'... Everyone does that. Whether on tests or on partners, people 'cheat IN life'. 'Cheating life' means skating by. Avoiding the struggles. Bypassing anything hard or painful. 'Cheating life.')

I was reminded tonight that I deserve the world. That I'm better than I let people give me credit for. That I'm a smart girl, I'm going places. I AM going places, and I don't care what obstacles are in my way. I'm prepared. I'll face them. I view every challenge as a learning block.. A stepping stone. I'm going to cross them. Jump them. Run past them with both middle fingers high in the air, if I need to. I've come far enough to know that I'm better than the bullshit people throw at me.

But 'cheating life' means getting away scotch-free... I wear many bruises. Many scars. Many stories that define who I am. That's fine with me... But feeling void sometimes is one of the most unsettling feelings that I think anyone can have.

I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy.

I have a great family. Wonderful friends. An amazing guy.
I'm young, I'm healthy, and I have the world in my favor.
I'm motivated. I'm determined. I'm stubborn.
I work hard. I'm a smart girl. I've learned more than most in just 20 years.

I'm happier than most people will ever be.

It doesn't erase the "missing" things in my life.

I miss innocence, sometimes.
I miss good friends who time stole or changed.
I miss deep conversations that meant anything.
I miss academic satisfaction.
I miss drama-free situations.

I miss being close to people who I thought would be there forever.
I miss chances that I never took.

Right now, I miss living closer to Chrissy & Wang.
I miss silly, random sleepovers with Kim.
I miss pier talks and grey's anatomy/wine-fests.
I miss summer adventures in Easton & Mansfield with Steph.
I miss Barnes & Nobles nights a few times a week, for studying (or NOT).
I miss taking off spontaneously with Kourt.
I miss porch-nights in South Tampa.
I miss shit-talking nights & USF nights with Jaclyn.
Heck, I even miss sobfest phone calls, outside in my bare feet with Jac.
I miss the week I spent in New Orleans with K, Nick and Art.
I miss those typical "Bourbon Street Style", "we-like-to-party" all-nighters.
I miss being at Tahoe with my family, on our balcony, in the snow...
I miss picking berries at my grandparents house with my siblings, Steph & Erica, when we were little.
I miss dressing up in Grandma's clothes.
I miss Governor Dummer times. We always had the best times there.
I miss sandcastle competitions.
I miss Ship, pre-gossip. Back in the days of Dre, Flounder & Ariel.
I miss Massachusetts at Christmas.
I miss New Jersey in the fall.
I miss Kev's musical practices.. I loved them, actually.
I miss hugs & talks from Aunt Barb, and Uncle Jay's chicken/cream of mushroom soup/rice dish.
I miss LBI last summer, with the Moorestown crew, Dan & Matt.
I miss Florida B.S., before college times. With my boys. Beach times. Breaking rules. Dock talks.
I miss being close to JD and Art.
I miss when being friends was just that. Never more. It never turns out well.
I miss summer '06.. The trip to Orlando with Dharyl & Justin & Josh. Timeshares, food, Old-Town, Islands of Adventure, waterparks, etc.
I miss seeing Lynz, Sari, Jess, Kim.. The Jersey girls.
I miss being Sarah's FORK.
I miss plans to move out of this state. Mass, Chicago, NY, Cali... I never made it out.
I miss my long-hair.
I miss cherry-tomatoes straight of my Grandma Pride's garden in RI.
I miss baby-sitting the twins when they were little babies.
I miss talking about my dads records with him in Apollo Beach.
I miss spring breaks on Clearwater Beach. OLD Clearwater Beach.
I miss HoCo back when it was legit. Drunk nights, cool crowd, always hanging out.
I miss when Thunder was a puppy, and used to dig out of the yard.. I miss being annoyed at having to chase him.
I miss Orlando nights circa October '06. "Bubbly". Bathroom smokes. 8am breakfasts.
I miss thinking that closing at 1am was late.
I miss being driven in school.
I miss making my parents proud.
I miss being naive to everything sucky around me.
I miss pretending to be asleep with my siblings when we were little, so that my parents would carry us inside after car-rides home from night-time events.
I miss reading all the time.
I miss Cinderella nightgowns.
I miss Devil Rays games with my dad and brother.
I miss driving my mom to work when we shared a car.
I miss creative writing class.
I miss not paying rent. (In some ways.)
I miss the excitement of a brand new apartment.
I miss realism.
I miss Naya being down the hall already.
I miss all-night Family Guy/comedy fests, falling asleep on the couch with her.
I miss NOT BEING SICK!!!


I had to get it out.
Lots of little things.
20 years worth.
There are more.
But I needed to list just a few.

Don't mistake this for anything other than the need to write.
I kind of miss doing that, too.

But I'm happy.
Semester's over next week.
I have two weeks to breathe and clear my head before summer classes.
I go to Cali on the 8th.
My birthday is the 9th.
I get to see my man.
I might move this summer.

Pheeewwwww.