I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Monday, April 14, 2008

No More Apologies!!!

All day, I've been apologizing to people. Telling people I screwed up, I've been a bad friend, I did this wrong, blah blah blah.

I'm done apologizing!!!!

I took a step back and realized something... I have been a strong person for over a year and a half. I taught myself to not break, to not be weak, to not get upset over every petty thing that annoyed me or even slightly bothered me. I've been taking on other people's problems and providing an ear and a shoulder for so many people, and I've asked for nothing in return. Sure, I've had days where I needed a good cry, or where something really upset me.. But I always recovered so quickly. I have kept so many things bottled up inside of me for so long that, after awhile, really weakened and brought me down. I've been so stressed out lately, and I know it's been evident to everyone.

Finally, something happened that really broke me down... Something that maybe 5 people in my life even know about. Something that will stay with me for the rest of my life, because traumatic things don't just go away. It submersed in a way that I never expected... & that was on top of everything that has been building inside of me the past few weeks. That was the final straw. So, I flipped out. I got carried away. I told people off, I blew friends off, I annoyed the hell out of people, and I've been suffering the past few days, apologizing like crazy and letting people bring me down for what happened.

Not anymore!!!

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I don't get like that. I'm always there for my friends. I'm laid-back, and I give more than I ever even try to take. That's usually my downfall, actually. So for once, I was greedy.. & it was completely unintentional. I needed to snap. I needed to get completely trashed and make an ass out of myself. I needed to puke in a trash can. (apparently I do that?!) I needed to come home and sob on my kitchen floor to my roommates, then wake up to wonder why I had mascara stained on my cheeks. I needed the events of that night to remind me that I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF THAT. I never get like that. I'm never greedy or self-centered. I hate clingy-types, and I'm not a needy, crazy person. I'm not the type to bitch about all of MY problems first. So what's the big deal if, for once, I did!?

I'm not trying to justify anything I did, because I shouldn't have gone nuts. But it's driving me crazy that so many people are treating me differently because of that. Because of something that they have no idea about. Take a step back and try to understand that maybe there is a lot more to what happened than anyone could understand, and that, if I were actually given the chance to explain, it would all make sense. I'm sick of lowering myself and looking so insecure and WRONG, when I'm way better than that! I'm not insecure. I'm done lowering myself. It's only been a day or two, and I'm already done with that. So those of you saying dumb things to me, or chewing me out, or trying to guilt me, or treat me differently, or worse, ignore me... Shame on you.

And for all of you who DO know that I'm not like that, thank you for loving me even more. For those of you who don't, it's up to you how you want to take that. I'm a great person, and there is more to me than most people will ever know. I'm not going to continue crying over stupid issues in my life, because frankly, it's all worth fixing, or it's just not worth my time. I don't need help. I don't need to rely on other people. I know this. What I do need are people in my life who understand that, and who can understand that, while everyone has bad, bad days, mine are very few and far between, but when they do happen, those people won't dip.

SO.. On THAT note...

I'm making money. I'm finding an internship for the summer. I'm finding out where I'm going to live next. I'm buckling down on school and attempting to finish the semester out better than I started it. I'm using the next month before my birthday to weed out what I need in my life from the things that are holding me back. Then, semester ends the 30th, Cali on the 8th, and my birthday on the 9th.. Many good things to come, and I have a great feeling about them all.

I'm breathing. I'm alive. I'm blessed. I'm loved. I'm thankful. And best of all, I'm happy. Very happy.


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