Christina Lauren..

...is one of my absolute best friends in the entire world. She is a lot like me in many ways. She writes her feelings for people to see. She over-analyzes situations, and too often gives people the benefit of the doubt when they least deserve it, because she tries hard to justify every action, in hopes that people really aren't as terrible as they appear... Even when they really are. She isn't afraid to be emotional, or to show the world that she is. She cares for people who have trampled over her time and again, because she is a damn good person, and doesn't let insignificant, petty things change who she is. On that note, she's also much more forgiving, and much less bitter than I am. I applaud her GREATLY for that... and for constantly trying to be strong and there for people, when it's taking everything inside of her to even stand up and leave the house. For forgiving, and re-forgiving, and making time for people who have stabbed her in the back, because it's the right thing to do. I don't know how she does it... but I do know that I can only try to be as wonderful a person she is.

I'm quoting you, Chris.. This came from a blog she posted last year, and reading over it today, I can relate in so many ways.

By Christina Lauren Clous:

"If you know me you know i'm different from most people... I say what few attempt to... I'm very in touch with my feelings and my emotions... most people don't know how to handle it... they would rather ignore the obdvious... they live their lives in a bubble without emotions...

in my bubble you matter. Maybe you will never give me the satisfaction of knowing that I ever really mattered.... or give the respect and credit I deserve.... The only satisfaction I need comes from within now... cause I have done everything in my power to help others... to keep peace... to let them know who I am and what I'm thinking whether you want to hear it or not.

So here I stand. I am at a point in my life where anything is possible and i'm taking my chances... I'm not sure what the future holds but I am hopeful...I've taken chances before... landed flat on my face and I got right back up... and I have everyone who supported me to thank. I fucking worked my ass off to be where I am right now and thats somethig no one can take away from me...

...sometimes I miss having all who are dear to me being a phone call or a ten minute drive away... instead now I keep in touch through voicemails, e-mail and messages on myspace.

Life is busy and ever changing.... stay strong... make every minute count.... do the best you can to make a difference in peoples lives. Thats what I strive for.... I'm praying for my dear friend and for the health and happpiness of all those that I care for...

... even if it's been a minute or two... I forgive you... even if you never asked me to... I still forgive you for not being there.... even though all I wanted you to see was the best in me..."

Playlist.

"I'll have you know i'm scared to death
that everything that you had said to me was just
a lie until you left
now i'm hoping just a little bit stronger
hold me up just a little bit longer
i'll be fine, i swear"
-maydayparade-



"You're all that I hoped I'd find
In every single way
And everything I could give
Is everything you couldn't take
Cause nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away
And the hardest part of living
Is just taking breaths to stay
Because I know I'm good for something
I just haven't found it yet
But I need it"
-maydayparade-



"And this will be the first time in a week
That I'll talk to you, & I can't speak..
And I got the point that I should leave you alone,
But we both know that I'm not that strong
And I miss the lips that made me fly."
-maydayparade-



"I really miss you and wish I could kiss you, but why are you so far away?
Since you've been gone, I've thought over and over about you inside my head
and where I went wrong, where I went wrong.
Every day, I've been thinking a lot about all of the things you'd say since I went away...
I guess I could call you and ask you "How are you?"
but I really don't have much to say...
I sit all alone and I stare at the phone and I hope that you're doing ok."
-the ataris-



"I'm trying to believe in you;
but this world sold its fate for parking lots and drunk sincerity."
-the ataris-


"Oh and what i wouldn't give
Just to kiss your lips again
To hold your hand next to my heart
And wake up with you in our apartment.
Just one last time
Can i call you my sweetheart?"
-the ataris-



"and know the next time that you
make a wish upon a star
I'll be wishing on the same one that you do
and every night I'm all alone
in some burn out highway town
I'll be thinking of the day that I met you."
-the ataris-



"I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day...

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more."
-deathcabforcutie-



"I will never forgive a single day
Mile markers seem to call my name and say,
"You're safer now
Through every town
We'll light your way in reflective green."
-deathcabforcutie-



"But darling I want the same thing that I wanted before
So sweetheart tell me what's up I won't stop no way."
-snowpatrol-


"And everything that I said was true
as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.
Well I lost track and then those words were said,
you took the wheel and you steered us into my bed,
and soon we woke and I walked you home
and it was pretty clear that it was hardly love."
-deathcabforcutie-

Diary.

"Your handwriting. The way you walk. Which china pattern you choose. It's all giving you away. Everything you do shows your hand. Everything is a self-portrait. Everything is a diary."
-Chuck Palahniuk-

Suspense finds itself lost in dead-ends and making assumptions. There is no reassurance.
Suspense is the REAL nightmare type of "You Choose The Ending!" books we used to read as children.
Suspense stabs the bitterness knife deep into voided hearts and strips them of feeling, leaving nothing but tarnished hatred and pent-up anger.

Suspense in real life doesn't sell millions of copies or become an overnight blockbuster success.

Suspense is a wake up call. Reality kicking us in the ass for nothing more than enjoyment from the faces we make as we rub our wounds. Suspense is a bitter old hag taking her hatred out on happiness, because she doesn't believe it should last for very long at all.

Suspense can kiss my backside.

Single (adj.) -

Describes a man or woman who isn't bogged down by commitment or companionship. They may be observed portraying many strange behaviors, such as overly-dressing up to go to the supermarket, acting obnoxiously flirty to get attention, or chasing after flocks of the opposite sex. They are also known to be flighty, if comfortable with their status, or desperate, if they are merely a "poser" in a single person's body. They are either (a) overly concerned with appearance, or (b) flipping the world off as they eat packages of cookie dough and lounging in pajamas all day long. Typically found in bars, clubs, successful businesses, or couches.

ex: "Being single really isn't so bad," said Eric. "I do what I want."*


*(references - Eric Cartman of South Park. Line 12, second sentence.)

Yeats.

"But I, being poor, have only my dreams. I have spread my dreams under your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams."

Table-topper.

"And I got the point that I should leave you alone,
but we both know that I'm not that strong..
& I miss the lips that made me fly."
-maydayparade-

Wanting to lay on the couch all day and sleep, avoiding the moments where I'm trapped in silence and in memories, and being forced to think about all of these things in my life that I can't justify, solve or get closure to..

This is something that I did two years ago. I laid on the couch. I slept. I did everything in my power to minimize the time I'd have to spend awake, because I wasn't brave enough to confront life on my own. All I wanted to do was hide from the pain, the truth, the lies... everything in between.

Why am I back to that???

I'm not fully back to it... I'm just hitting a point I've reached several times this year. It will pass, I'm sure.. But I'm so sick of conditioning myself to overlook things and act like nothing is wrong. I'm so sick of telling myself that I'm allowed to be miserable, and then moments later, telling myself that I'm way too good for it... It's a constant war between both the "nice girl" and the "tough girl" inside of me.

I'm so sick of being prepared to go through this. Knowing up front that I'm going to wind up hurting, but CONSTANTLY brushing the thought aside, because I was born a dreamer, an optimist, a hopeless romantic, and I always hold out the tiniest bit of hope that maybe one time, I won't wind up bruised and defeated.

This isn't even over... At least, I don't think.
But then, I don't know.

I have over 4 months of pent-up stress constantly building inside of me, and it's not healthy. I believe this is what people refer to as "self-destructive" behavior, actually. I'm terrified. I don't want that. I want to be happy.

I thought I found happiness.

I'm so sick of people taking it away from me. People who have good things in their lives, but who can't accept that I deserve the same thing. Who see me finally finding something really great, and feeling at ease with something or someone else after 2 years.. and taking that opportunity to intervene and take it all away.

Why is it so hard for people to accept that others deserve to be happy, too????

I don't know where to go from here.

I don't want to be a nuisance.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I'm not.

But this... This is hard.

I don't understand what went so wrong, so fast. I really don't... But here I am, waiting. Hoping. Crossing my fingers that there is way more to this than it looks like. Staring at my phone. Holding my breath. I don't understand.

This is hitting me at one of the worst times, too... It's making the situation seem so stressful, when, in all reality, there is no stress involved with that at all. But I have so many things on my mind, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm getting there... as well as trying to understand why people do things to others that will forever traumatize and stay with them... Trying to cope with the darkness surrounding events that just recently have scarred both my mind and heart. Not physical scars... Those fade. Emotional scars stay new forever. Permanent darkness.

Then, a moment of light came along...

For the first time in so long, I wasn't worrying, stressing, feeling alone...

I was truly & actually happy...

& now, less than 2 weeks later, I'm sitting here hoping that light hasn't been extinguished.

It takes every ounce of dignity I have to admit this.
I'm terrified.

"But I'm the first to fall and the last to know
And where'd you go?"
-boys like girls-

Autobiographical.

"You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you from where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships I don’t know why they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

Well I been down and I need your help I’ve been feeling sorry for myself
Don’t hesitate to boost my confidence
Well I been lost and need direction I could use a little love protection
What do you say, honey, come to my defense?

I’ll stand up for you if it’s what you need and I can take a punch I don’t mind to bleed
As long as afterwards you feel bad for me
And you give me all of your attention I got deep desire and it needs quenchin’
I think that’s pretty plain for you to see

Hell, enough about me and more about you ‘cause that’d be the gentlemanly thing to do
I hope you like your men sweet and polite
I thought I was done with telling you but I ain’t nearly half way through
I got a few more things I’d like to say to you tonight

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you from where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships I don’t know why they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind

You always did kind of drive me crazy and it pissed me off ‘cause I let it phase me
But I never wanted my time with you to end
Now I’m back in town for a day or two and mostly I came back just to see you
I’m leaving now but I don’t want to go.

You don’t need to change a thing about you babe
I’m telling you from where I sit you’re one of a kind
Relationships I don’t know why they never work out and they make you cry
But the guy that says goodbye to you is out of his mind."

-Griffin House-

All Talk?

I'm sick of telling stories about all of the things that "I was supposed to do", and about all of the places "I WAS supposed to go". I'm sick of hearing laughter and sarcastic replies whenever I speak of the plans that people don't even consider to be real. It's my fault, I know... I've always been one to talk and never follow through.

I want to follow through.

I'm going to do it... Just wait and see.

I want to prove everyone wrong for doubting me.
Mostly, I want to prove to myself that I'm capable of doing things.

I want a new beginning. I know that it's out there, somewhere... I want to find it NOW.

I'm ready for this.

I write in journals, blogs, notebooks... I write things that couldn't keep the interest of one single person for more than a couple of entries, if even that. I write for ME... But one day, I will write for others. I will get it out there. I will find out what people REALLY want to read. Maybe I'll help some people out.

"Someday."

There I go again... "Someday" isn't a goal. I don't set realistic enough goals, because I'm a dreamer. I view reality as cold & harsh, and I don't want to push my dreams on something that cruel, something that could shred and tear them apart like they were nothing more than drunken whores in hotel rooms. One-night stands. Tomorrow's regret.

My dreams deserve SO much more than that.
They ARE so much more than that.

I have this fear of failing... of watching everything I know to be good crash and burn, and being left with nothing. The only thing that keeps me on track anymore is my positivity.. My hopes.. My dreams. Knowing that there is so much more out there for me, waiting up ahead.

I want to get there...

I don't want to fail.

I won't fail.

EVER.

..but your taste still lingers on my lips,
like I just placed them upon yours..
-dc-

I don't know where this leaves me.

but...

My fingers are crossed.

Hard.

Reason.

"Chin up. Put your shoulders back, walk proud, strut a little. Don't lick your wounds: celebrate them. The scars you bear are the signs of a competitor. You're in a lion fight, Stevens. Just because you didn't win doesn't mean you don't know how to roar."

-Grey's Anatomy-

Hey, I gave it a shot.
I threw things on the table.
I won't throw in my cards just yet.
I won't continue to push,
but I'll be here when things cave.

You certainly can't blame a girl for trying...
or especially for continuing to stand strong.

<3

"A person can only rise so high. Now I'm rising above, but there's a ceiling and I'm about to hit it."
-Grey's Anatomy-