I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Monday, June 16, 2008


"And I got the point that I should leave you alone,
but we both know that I'm not that strong..
& I miss the lips that made me fly."

Wanting to lay on the couch all day and sleep, avoiding the moments where I'm trapped in silence and in memories, and being forced to think about all of these things in my life that I can't justify, solve or get closure to..

This is something that I did two years ago. I laid on the couch. I slept. I did everything in my power to minimize the time I'd have to spend awake, because I wasn't brave enough to confront life on my own. All I wanted to do was hide from the pain, the truth, the lies... everything in between.

Why am I back to that???

I'm not fully back to it... I'm just hitting a point I've reached several times this year. It will pass, I'm sure.. But I'm so sick of conditioning myself to overlook things and act like nothing is wrong. I'm so sick of telling myself that I'm allowed to be miserable, and then moments later, telling myself that I'm way too good for it... It's a constant war between both the "nice girl" and the "tough girl" inside of me.

I'm so sick of being prepared to go through this. Knowing up front that I'm going to wind up hurting, but CONSTANTLY brushing the thought aside, because I was born a dreamer, an optimist, a hopeless romantic, and I always hold out the tiniest bit of hope that maybe one time, I won't wind up bruised and defeated.

This isn't even over... At least, I don't think.
But then, I don't know.

I have over 4 months of pent-up stress constantly building inside of me, and it's not healthy. I believe this is what people refer to as "self-destructive" behavior, actually. I'm terrified. I don't want that. I want to be happy.

I thought I found happiness.

I'm so sick of people taking it away from me. People who have good things in their lives, but who can't accept that I deserve the same thing. Who see me finally finding something really great, and feeling at ease with something or someone else after 2 years.. and taking that opportunity to intervene and take it all away.

Why is it so hard for people to accept that others deserve to be happy, too????

I don't know where to go from here.

I don't want to be a nuisance.

I don't want to be "crazy".

I'm not.

But this... This is hard.

I don't understand what went so wrong, so fast. I really don't... But here I am, waiting. Hoping. Crossing my fingers that there is way more to this than it looks like. Staring at my phone. Holding my breath. I don't understand.

This is hitting me at one of the worst times, too... It's making the situation seem so stressful, when, in all reality, there is no stress involved with that at all. But I have so many things on my mind, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going, what I'm doing, how I'm getting there... as well as trying to understand why people do things to others that will forever traumatize and stay with them... Trying to cope with the darkness surrounding events that just recently have scarred both my mind and heart. Not physical scars... Those fade. Emotional scars stay new forever. Permanent darkness.

Then, a moment of light came along...

For the first time in so long, I wasn't worrying, stressing, feeling alone...

I was truly & actually happy...

& now, less than 2 weeks later, I'm sitting here hoping that light hasn't been extinguished.

It takes every ounce of dignity I have to admit this.
I'm terrified.

"But I'm the first to fall and the last to know
And where'd you go?"
-boys like girls-

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