B-day Highlights..

As usual, our "family get-together" proved to be quite eventful.. Never a dull moment with this bunch! A day full of sarcastic quips, sibling angst, puppy chaos and delicious food, mom's birthday dinner was, surprisingly, successful. Happy Birthday, mom!


Graceon got to meet Khia, his new cousin. Needless to say, he's a spoiled little brat, so he wasn't too friendly toward her at first... It took about an hour of snarling, growling and snapping for him to realize that she was legit. After that, they were two crazy bud's, chasing each other around and rough-housing for the rest of the day/night. Try cooking in a kitchen with two psycho dogs tearing after on another.. It's a workout!!

Insert flying saliva from Graceon's mouth, along with slow-motion sound effects ("Ohhhh.. Noooo.."), and it's almost like watching an instant replay hit in NFL, is it not?! Replace fooball players with puppy dogs, and I'm sold on it.

I've been doing a lot of online recipe hunting lately. I found all kinds of awesome dessert recipes, including many for cakes and cupcakes. After a lot of hard searching, I decided to try to create a cupcake bouquet. I thought it was a cute idea. Dre decided to coin the term "Grandma Carissa", and so I've been labeled. Either way, I'm not knitting, and it turned out really well. I considered this to be an experimental run, and I think it was a success! I want to keep baking and practicing with frosting tips.. I'm always so fascinated by the neat things that people can create in/with icing.

My Konstantine.

I can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and I don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and your restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking, no
could you let me go?
I didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz your afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed..
and it did, because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

I had these dreams that i learned to play guitar
maybe cross the country
become a rock star
and there was hope in me that i could take you there
but dammit you're so young
well i don't think i care
and if i hurt you
then i'm sorry
please don't think that this was easy

then you bring me home
cuz we both know what it's like to be alone
and i'm dreaming in your living room
but we don't have much room to live..

and i was thinking
what i was thinking
we've been drinking and it doesn't get me anywhere..
and i've been thinking
it hurts me thinking that these nights
when we were drinking no they never got us anywhere..

this is because i can spell konfusion with a k,
and i like it.
it's to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it
it's to jimmy eat world and those nights in my car
when the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
isn't that what you said?
what you thought this song meant?

and if this is what it takes
just to lie with my mistakes
and live with what i did to you
and all the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
it's 11:11
and now you want to talk
it's not hard to dream
you'll always be my konstantine

konstantine, they'll never hurt you like i do
no they'll never hurt you like i do

this is to a [guy] who got into my head
with all the pretty things he did
hey
you know
you keep me up in bed
this is to a [guy] who got into my head
with all the fucked up things i did
hey
maybe
baby
you could keep me up in bed
my Konstantine
spin around me like a dream we played out on this movie screen
and i said
did you know i missed you?
oh god i miss you

and then you bring me home
and we'll go to sleep, but this time, not alone, no no
and you'll kiss me in your living room
i know
you'll miss me in your living room
cuz these nights i think maybe that i'll miss you in my living room
we don't have much room
i said does anybody need that room?
because we all need a little more room
to live

my Konstantine

RH/EA

Been thinking about you, your record's a hit.
Your eyes are on my wall, your teeth are over there
But I'm still no one, and you're not a star
What do you care
I've been thinking about you, so how can you sleep
These people aren't your friends, they're paid to kiss your feet
They don't know what I know, and why should you care
When I'm not there
-radiohead-


And I, will always stand between us
And hold you so high
Just enough to watch you fade
Tonight you'll cry yourself asleep
As I lay awake in some far off city
Pretend you're lying next to me
Eyes wide open dreaming of you
Don't go away again,
I want to be more than a phone call at 4am.
Seems like every time you come back home
It's just to steal my heart and leave.
Don't go away again,
I want to be more than a story to tell your friends.
Seems like every time you come back home
It's just to make me fall again.
-every avenue-

From Here You're Haunting Me...

to advance or not to advance-
I hear you laughing.
even still you're calling me...
"not tonight, not tonight
not tonight, Josephine."
-tori amos-

Quotes II.

You do your thing, I'll do mine. You go your way, I'll go mine.
And if we end up together, it's beautiful
((boy meets world))

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do, give up? Quit? No.
I realize now that when your heart breaks, you got to fight like hell to make sure you're still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That's life. The confusion and fear? That's there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better, & that something is worth fighting for.
((one tree hill))

If having things turn out the way you want them to is a measure of a successful life then some would say I was a failure. The important thing is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past. And recognize that everyday won't be silence and when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars and those stars lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, stumble, fall, cause most of the time the greatest rewards come from the things that scare you the most. Maybe you'll get everything you wish for, maybe you'll get more than you could ever imagine. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end the journey is the destination.
((one tree hill))

Whoever said What you don't know can't hurt you was a complete and total moron.
Because ... for most people I know, not knowing is the worst feeling in the world.
((grey's anatomy))

I don't know anyone who isn't haunted by something or someone. And whether we try to slice the pain away with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet- our efforts usually fail. So the only way we can clear out the cobwebs is to turn a new page or put an old story to rest- finally, finally to rest.
((grey's anatomy))

You know that place between sleep and awake, where you're still dreaming? that's where i'll always think of you. that's where i'll be waiting.
((hook))

You spend all your time looking for love yet you feel nothing, even when its staring you in the face. I will love again but YOU will spend all your life knowing you turned your back on love and THAT makes you a hypocrite.
((cruel intentions))

But I know some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there is a moment of hesitation, that means you feel something too. All I ask is that you not dismiss that-at least for ten seconds-and try to dwell in it. there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who's ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it's there between you and me, you can't deny that. And even if we never speak again after tonight, please know that I'm forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me.
((chasing amy))

All I want to do is forget her. All I want to do is escape her and, you know, I can't.
((grey's anatomy))

It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that, maybe I didn't have to plan anymore because it felt like I was actually living, and for once in my life I wouldn't have to work so hard at being happy, that it could just happen, nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.
((boys and girls))

You can erase someone from your mind.
Getting them out of your heart is another story.
((eternal sunshine of the spotless mind))

See when you're mad, you don't miss people. So if you stay mad, it's like you never knew them at all. That way you don't feel sucky about them leaving you .
((uptown girls))

Quotes.

And… I’ve spent these past couple months acting like you were just going to show up outside my door one day, but you’re not. You are out there following your dreams which is what I want for you... I think it’s time that I let you go. And it’s really hard for me to do because I know that there’s a part of me that will be in love with you for the rest of my life. But this whole running in place and day dreaming is just not healthy for either of us. So this is me cutting the cord, this is me doing what I should have done three months ago. Say goodbye.
((dawson's creek))

In the best possible way, you have absolutely wrecked me. Because you see, I fell in love with you, knowing that there was never any possibility of being with you.
((dawson's creek))

You wanted a kiss. Is that what you want? Are you prepared for everything that comes with that kiss? cause it doesn't just end with a fade out. There are repercussions. Hearts get broken. Friendships get ruined. Your entire life could fall apart because of one kiss. That's what you have to look foward to. Do yourself a big favor.. don't rush it.
((dawson's creek))

I fill my days with memories of him. I remember how he used to look at me, as if I was his most valuable treasure. Has he found a new treasure? I can't help but wonder if we will be able to find our way back to each other. The road seems so very long, and my head is crowded with such a dark thought. I feel our bond grows weaker by the day and I'm powerless to stop it.
((dawson's creek))

Maybe some friendships aren't meant to be saved. maybe we're meant to spend a certain part of our life with certain people...and then move on.
((dawson's creek))

I called because I wanted you to know that despite everything that's happened and all the miles between us right now, I still think about the way it was in the beginning.
((dawson's creek))

Pathetic. I know. I know. And I thought I was over him. I really, really did. But then I bumped into him a little while ago, and...I mean, technically we're friends, right? And that's how I played it. But then it's, like, when I saw him, every irritating/adorable thing he ever did flashed before my eyes, and... I mean, that's the true test, right? When you just bump into somebody... And if you're not over him, then boom--floodgates.
((dawson's creek))

See, there this guy... And when I met him, it was like... Like a shade going up in a dark room and light suddenly pouring in. He understood me in a way that no one ever did or could. And then, just as suddenly, the room got dark again.
((dawson's creek))

it hurts to be around you. When I see you, even from across the room, it brings up a thousand memories. Not just of us, but of my entire life before. It's like I'm frozen in this place that I can't bear to be. I care about you so much. As long as I can remember, everything's always come back to you. I mean, even no matter what was happening between us. Even the thought of you is at least a constant comfort, but... I can't go back. It just hurts.
((dawson's creek))

All A Gamble?

The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results.
-Albert Einstein-


Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

-dixiechicks-

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way.
Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real.
What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?
Because it feels so good when I stop.
-greysanatomy-


“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass.
And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim.
The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long.
We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth.
Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing.
De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean.
So how do you keep from drowning in it?”
-greysanatomy-


We don't wish for the easy stuff. We wish for big things. Things that are ambitious, out of reach.
We wish because we need help and we're scared and we know we may be asking too much.
We still wish, though, because sometimes they come true.
-greysanatomy-


The past is only the future with the lights on.
-plus44-

The Pieces of a Broken Heart Are Wasted Time.

Whoever said that nostalgia simply "comes in waves" had to be a phenomenal swimmer. That, or they had a great set of swimmies. Nostalgia comes in violent torrents, sweeping up every fragile soul in her path and dragging them deep under her cold, dark waves, leaving them lost and forgotten beneath her black abyss . Do you know what drowning feels like? Oh, you don't? Take a deep breath. Now. Stand in nostalgia's way. How long can you hold it?

------------------------------------

She was an awkward, quirky, mess of an individual. A far-fetched dreamer, a tragedy at best. Her standards and morals changed rapidly with the seasons, and faith was, to her, fleeting--five empty letters that lacked substance and meaning. Some days, she hated everything about herself and her surroundings. Other days, she found splendor and joy in everything that crossed her path. Her dreams were nothing more than an ever-changing series of illusions and impossibilities, but she sang of them everywhere she went and never thought twice about the way others perceived them. She wasn't the most confident girl, but she always held her head up high so that no one could ever figure it out. "She found love in all the wrong places... Same situations, just different faces." Her conscience was a constant reminder of how poorly she allowed herself to be treated, but she justified it by telling herself that someday, sometime, the situation would result in something magnificent. Someday, she'd meet someone terrific... who wouldn't care about her mousy hair or her plain features... He'd dig deep inside of her soul and discover her beautiful secrets, and he'd love her for everything she stood for. She held out hope no matter how many times her heart was crushed/shattered/bruised, because she knew that somewhere out there, he existed.

He did exist. He found her. She hesitated.. But only for a moment. He romanced her and gave her hope. "She was a wreck, but he loved her." He swept her off her feet and she handed him her heart in return. He broke down her walls. She helped lower his guard. "She was a wreck, but so was he." She began falling for him, and then he fell away. He found her. She had him. He had her. She lost him.

Unlike library books, hearts aren't meant to be returned.

For years, she held out hope for him.. That someday, he'd return. He'd have to return. She set aside a piece of her heart, in hopes that IF he ever returned, they could resume right where they had left off.

She met many great people, and even some less admirable creatures. She'd laugh and smile and tell the world that she was happy, but secretly, she felt like she was suffocating. Her days and nights filled up, and while she kept busy, she made sure to keep busy with good company. In time, she even found someone to occupy her mind. Someone who made her blush and snuggled close to her at night and kissed her when she felt blue. But no matter how much she tried, and how guilty she felt about it, she could never give her entire heart away, because a piece still belonged to him. Her jigsaw-puzzle heart was (and would forever be) incomplete.

He went on to bigger and better things, while she remained trapped--a prisoner of her heart and a dark, bleak shadow of her former self. He forgot her name, forgot his pretty words, forgot that he carried that piece of her heart with him, while she remembered everything for both of them, all by herself. Alone. He opened her mind, her heart and her eyes to love... & then he stripped it all away in just an instant. She suffered silently, never giving up hope, but all the while knowing that he would never put her doubts to rest. They would cross paths now-and-then, but only to exchange brief and impersonal conversation, saying goodbye's as soon as awkwardness threatened to settle in. "And the last time he saw Dorie, he didn't know what to say..." He'd look down at her with pity in his eyes, and she'd gaze back at him in despair, remembering.. Wondering. Wanting to make him remember everything as she did, every single day. Her words, so many times rehearsed to herself, would foolishly come out scrambled, in stutters and in ramblings, and nothing she wanted to express ever exited her lips. "I miss you."--"You saved me.".--"Thank you because you loved me." Random, brief encounters were all she'd ever get. He'd never hear her questions, and she'd never get his responses. Her closure would never, ever come.

------------------------------------

Contrary to popular belief, the "happily ever after" fairy-tales that we grew up loving and believing in have led us to have false hopes about real-life "fairy-tale romances". We are a generation led by deception and lies and unrealistic expectations about love and lust and "happily ever after".

Continuing This Lyric Trend...

Hey now, let's be honest
I really think it's true
You know sometimes we all bend the rules
You run with life, you've been around
You love to live to hate this town
And I hope and dream just like you do
Yeah, we've been here twice before
You want it to mean so much more
And I hope that everything goes through
She goes to California, oh California's not so far
When I close my eyes and wonder where you are
And you wish upon a star
Two thousand miles doesn't seem so far...
You play the games you play
You win sometimes you lose
You know sometimes walls run into you
Now you've got me thinking
And I really think it's true
The sun shines sometimes just for you
-spitalfield-


Is that really you?
Could you be standing there?
Please send a perfect line to catch me in a lie and take me where
I cannot defend what I was trying for...
Or dying for by wishing this would end.
Please don't say anything
'Cause only when my eyes are closed
Do you feel this close to me.
Do you feel scandalous?
Running fingers through my hair.
Knowing inside if I was not there.
You'd be somewhere else.
With somebody else.
Your fell for less.
Just like i fell for you.
It's not who you are--
It's who you know
It's not what you are--
It's just what shows
It's not where you are--
It's who you're with
If's not when you're here--
It's what you've missed
-spitalfield-


I feel useless, I feel tired
I feel aged and uninspired
This is a curtain call for us all
Then you call my name
At the changing of the guard
This is a curtain call for us all
I understand
Why it is we can't be friends
Turning back the clock won't work, we'll never make it
I understand
Why it is we can't be friends
Or turn back the clock
-spitalfield-


Can't you see that I'm trying to get through to you?
This door keeps slamming on my hands
I'm thinking about the way you used to be the one who sang to me
Your song keeps playing in my head
Maybe I should write it down
And turn another page
Then just rip it out
There's so much left to say
We live tonight again and again
And it's all I've ever wanted
All I've ever dreamed and more
And I'm sure
That when my friends wake up, we're somewhere in the middle of New York and California
Where are you?
Where are we going to?
I've got wheels on my bedroom floor
And oil in my closet
My best friends all live next door
Do you remember all the things you said?
Turn back another page like I never left
Until I leave again
-spitalfield-


Tell myself on the ride home.
Getting tired, hating all I've known.
Holding on like it's all I have.
Count me out when it's clear that I
find it hard to say.
And you find it hard to care.
I wanted to see something that's different,
something you said would change in me.
Wanted to be anything different,
everything you would change in me.
Got this way, up front but never true.
God, I'm wrong, it's just the way I am.
Crashing down any chance you'll hear.
Caving in any chance that you,
could see inside of me.
And I, I'll know what to say,
It's fine, this isn't Hollywood.
So fine, getting in your way.
-acceptance-


The house is dead by morning, as good as new again
The morning after funeral is coming to it’s end
Smile’s aren’t too tempting and hopes as good as lies
Memories are pain that lost their meaning over time
Just close your eyes, everything will be okay
-jamisonparker-


i spend more time
tracing your face
wearing away my finger prints
you're so far away
we could stay up forever
no one sleeps til my voice finds your ears
your last kiss was something more like shrapnel
tearing through me
i spend more time
speaking through wires
living in circuits
you're so far away
-jamisonparker-


It's the nightlife that gets them off;
So desperately they wait for the excuse of love.
We live like vampires
And we, we, we love like killers;
We all die like infants,
And we trust like mirrors.
It's the smoke and the drinks and the smiles that it brings,
It's the pain and the sex disguised as innocence.
Slow suicide...like it or not, it's what we do.
It's the love of guilt that forms the habit
Of being dramatically over-dramatic.
The songs they sing are in the key
Of the illusion of pain and its irony.
In the midst of lust and dropping names
The drugs they numb and they keep us sane
-jamisonparker-


I used to be a stereotype
Half alive with half open eyes
With a one track mind
And a flawed design
Feeling like I was lost
At sea at only the age of 19
Floating around in alcohol and apathy
Taking in too much caffeine and nicotine
If we make it outta here alive
Just say you won't look back to see
Just who we left behind
-lessthanjake-


My lungs are aching
From the cold from being outside.
And the windows in my car
Have started to fog up.
And it's colder than I remember it ever being in Florida.
My stomach's burning
And the stereo in this car is screaming so loud.
It's 3 a.m.
I'm just starting to wake up.
And it's darker than I remember it ever being in Florida.
The saddest song always plays
On the radio on the coldest days.
-lessthanjake-


I still believe in
Facing all my demons
And everything that people promise
Everything I’ve always wanted
My mouth has been open
My words have been stolen
It may have been used against me
It’s starting to affect me
And now I feel this way
There’s a fine line between
Living a lie and feeling alive
There are times that I’ve been
Looking from the outside in
And here I go again
Falling behind losing my mind
I'm pretending it’s alright
Listening to the soundtrack of my life
-lessthanjake-


I use my credit card to buy alcohol student loan spent at the mall and I
I may be going broke but I’m never broken down
We have our history just you and me but our future gets tucked away
Steps 3 and 4 staying drunk sit on this porch planning out how to escape
Cause were two truck stops off the interstate promised land with a twist of fame
Were a town for all the lost and found
-lessthanjake-


You can lie to yourself and all your friends and pretend that you don't care
But circumstance gets in the way
You have so many opportunities I never had
Don't push so hard, nothing is ever easy
And this talent that you take for granted, it's a gift from god
Don't pass it up, nothing is ever easy
Are you ready to work real hard
Are you tired it's just the start
Listen to me son, I'll take you far
You can call it anything you want the fact remains the same
I never got to be your Fred Astaire
-luckyboysconfusion-


Words divide
Touched down on a southwest runway
Time collides
Shipments that never came
I drank enough
To almost feel at home right here
But not enough to make me disappear
Breaking rules and breaking down
Never thought twice about it
-luckyboysconfusion-

Landon Pigg

Well youre the closest thing I have
To bring up in a conversation
About a love that didnt last
But I could never call you mine
Cause I could never call myself yours

And if we were really meant to be
Well then we justify destiny
Its not that our love died
Just never really bloomed

Well I cant let go
No, I cant let go of you
Youre holding me back without even trying to.
I cant let go
I cant move on from the past
Without lifting a finger youre holding me back.

And then we saw our paths diverge
And I guess I felt OK about it.
Until you got with another man,
And then I couldnt understand
Why it bothered me so.
How we didnt die we just
Never had a chance to grow.

And it might not make much sense
To you or any of my friends
Though somehow still you affect the
Things I do.
And you cant lose what you never had
I dont understand why I feel sad
(("can't let go"))