I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

"I Miss My Friend"

"They say memories are golden; Well, maybe that is true.

I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

A million tears fallen, from all the times I cried --

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,

In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill."

* 10/03/08 - 9/18/11 *

Almost two months ago, I went through the painful agony of having to put my beloved Graceon "Monkey" down... I'll never understand the full extent of what he went through those last few days, nor will I have the answers or diagnosis that I was looking for in the first place. I still feel so cheated, so robbed... Like no one did enough to help him, to save him... To prevent that terrible outcome. He was truly like a child to me. He was my baby. It's been just over 7 weeks, and I still cry almost daily when I think of his furry little face, when I'm relaxing instead of cleaning up his messes or dealing the aftermath of his silly, crazy antics. The absence he left in my apartment, my heart and my life has left such an empty, deep void that will NEVER be filled. I've been told that grief & mourning are more than okay, but I honestly feel as if it were my human child. That dog was MUCH more than a dog... He had the biggest personality, and was constantly making me laugh (or angry!)... He relied on me for EVERYTHING, much like a real baby. He couldn't ever be on his own... He was such a needy little boy. Funny thing is, I never realized just how much I relied on HIM until he wasn't here anymore.

The next few paragraphs are from the note I wrote that day (9/18/11). I miss you SO much, little Monk-a-Moo. I'll ALWAYS love you, and you'll always be my little man. I'm so glad you aren't suffering these days, but I'm afraid that I always will be. I just can't let you go. XoXo <3

My heart is aching in the most painful, empty way right now... And I know there's nothing I can do to fix it. All I want to do is wake up to see him in front of me wagging his stubby tail as if to say, "Don't worry, Mom, it was all just a dream!", while chewing up a sock or running around the house like a psycho or begging for "treats!"... He's usually waking up with me... Snuggled against my stomach, or behind my legs... Cuddling up with me in moments like this, when it feels like my world has come violently crashing down... Letting me know (in his silent way) that I WILL, in fact, be okay... That I'm not alone... That he loves me no matter what...

I can't be okay without him. I can't be reassured. There is nothing reassuring in the loss of such a loyal companion. There is nothing that compares to the unbridled, unbiased love of a dog.

He won't be lying on the bath rug waiting for me after my showers anymore... He hated being splashed with water, but HAD to wait there for me every single time, regardless... & he was ALWAYS splashed, because it was so funny to pick on him... I secretly think he liked it, because he was ALWAYS there anyway. It's Sunday, the day he usually gets spoiled with his own steak @ the Bradley house... And he KNEW every time we pulled up in front of that house A)Where we were and B) What that meant, as he'd whimper and wag the whole way from 4th St to their driveway, then, when the car doors open, race like a madman (ears back, tongue flopping around) to the front door... And if we were just going out instead, I'd be "Puppy-Proofing" right now... Which usually entailed 1)rubber-banding the cabinets (he opened them), 2)putting heavy objects in front of the treat closet & pantry (he somehow turned door knobs), 3) clearing ANYTHING edible off the counters, top of the fridge, etc..., 4) removing all food from the left-hand corner of the freezer door (he knew how to open the freezer, and DID on several accounts, and 5) moving ANYTHING breakable (or SLIGHTLY edible) high and away, usually INSIDE of cabinets, because that maniac always found a way to get to them.... It never ceased to amaze me how smart that boy was... He knew how to get into (or out of) ANYTHING... But I'd rather go through all of that every time I left--my ritual--becuase that was "normal" to me... That was what I was used to doing. And coming home?? That's the worst. I threw open the door earlier, praying I'd hear him jump off the bed (or couch) at the sound of my arrival like usual, racing toward me @ the front door, then turning back last moment to find a "present" for me... If it wasn't a sock, it was a flip-flop, an envelope, a receipt... Whatever he could find at that exact second. He always looked so goofy, but he was SOOOO happy to see his Mommy. All throughout his final day, I kept throwing out the words "Treat!?", "Potty?!" and "Hungry?! -- his 3 FAVORITE words.. EVER.. to see if he'd respond/react, so I'd know if he was coming back to me... When he didn't so much as look my way or move his ears, I knew he was in a bad way. Usually, we could whisper them sometimes, just to test him, & see if he could hear them... He always did. You couldn't whisper them quietly enough, because he'd ALWAYS hear them. Every time you said ANY of those, you'd get a VERY sharp head tilt, cocking it to the side, tipping it further and further, until his cheek was parallel with the ground... Then jerking his head to the opposite side, as if it would help him better understand... We LOVED the head-tilts... They were adorable. Driving around in the car, Graceon ALWAYS rode on top of the center console... "Surfer dog" style, if you will. We joked that he "drove" us everywhere, sitting in his "captain's chair", because he LOVED sitting/standing there. It was HIS seat. Now it's empty. The car's windows are COVERED with slobber & nose marks... I can't imagine them not being there. He loved pressing his nose right against the windows, to get a better view, I'm guessing. He had the most UNIQUE personality of any dog I've EVER met... Most joked that it was because he "wasn't a dog", as he acted "more like a real child"... We always said he seriously thought he was human, and I will always stand by that.

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Bandi055/Resident.htm >> this person summed up EVERYTHING I feel, miss and want to say... Fur on clothes, nose marks on windows, etc. I don't want to lose any of that :(

I've never felt this kind of pain (to this magnitude) before. I've been through rough patches in my life -- personal problems, family problems, bad breakups, stressful moves, lousy (or no) jobs, wrecking my car -- but all of those pale immensely compared to this pain. This is real, deep, permanent... This will never be right by me. I keep longing to get a phone call from the ER Vet saying "Graceon's doing better -- you can come take him home now", but I know that will never happen again. No more calling in medicine each month/bi-monthly @ his vet... No more packs of cheese on my grocery list for his meds... No more goofy "Circus Dog" balancing acts @ treat time... No more downtime with him cuddling next to me, or on the back of the couch like a cat... His favorite spot to relax in the house... No more back-&-forth tossing the ball... He'd get you roped in and NEVER let you stop after that... He'd throw the ball at you with his mouth, nose it several times in your direction, scoot back with his tongue out and a SUPER goofy look on his face, perch on his butt and wait... He LOVED playing ball. No more "Bad Dog Baths", after he makes a mess of the house or does something naughty... We thought the name was hilarious and fitting... No more being Mommy's shadow -- if I left the room for even a second, he was right on my heels, without fail, every single time... No more "howling" games -- we thought it was SO funny to howl and get him all worked up, because he'd whimper, wag his little stub-tail nervously & excitedly, watch your face, and then throw his head back to try & imitate you... We called it his "singing"... and after he got all worked up & did it a few times, we'd praise him and he'd lick our faces frantically, then run around like crazy -- "all jacked up!" -- and go find something to play with... No more torn up pieces of socks around the house, or him play-fighting with Chris, being "fish-dog", or serious tug-of-war games... Graceon was KING of Tug... Such an amazingly strong little guy... Little "Roid-Rager", he was.

Ahhhh... "Was"... Past-tense... WHY???

I know I did the right thing, that he isn't suffering anymore, or in pain while he constantly seized... No more seizures, no more running into things & hurting himself... and I'm so glad that tiny body doesn't have to endure those anymore... But... My heart is literally broken... I miss the Monkey SOOO much. Why him???? Why so young??? He was supposed to live a long, healthy life... He was supposed to make it on the Phenobarbital and be able to live a "normal" life... He's supposed to be here with me right now... It's not fair. It's not fair at all.

He has been with me through SO much... He's listened to me when I had no one else, kissed me when I was crying, made me smile when I was happy, and, through everything, he never judged me, never scolded me, never abandoned me and always loved me unconditionally, with all of his tiny heart.... He never failed to show me that.

In his final moments, I wanted to do right by him... To let him know that I loved HIM in the way he always loved me... That, as his Mommy, I would take care of him and make the pain disappear... I couldn't prepare myself properly -- How do you prepare yourself for that?? -- but I kept kissing his head, scritching his ears, and telling him I loved him... When the Doctor came in @ 3:30am this morning to administer the medicine, I held him in my arms, rocking him back & forth like a baby, and he opened his big, brown eyes at that exact moment, and locked them onto mine... He didn't look at the people around us... He just stared into my eyes, as if to tell me I was doing the right thing... When she gave him the first part of the dosage, his jaw was locking up, as another seizure was kicking in... But the medicine stopped it, and his body relaxed as his limbs went limp... All the while, he still stared at me, but with a new look... A peaceful look... Relief in his eyes, for the first time in 2 days... It was the hardest look I've ever had to process... So when the Vet asked if I was ready to continue, I knew I had to get it over with and let him go. I held him during his last breaths... My baby... Then kissed his head, and said 'goodbye'. I will NEVER forget the way he looked at me during those last moments. He had been so lethargic, so out of it for the past two days, that he never truly "looked at me", and I thought I'd never see it again... But he did. He let me know that he was finally okay. I wish I had my "good phone" so I could have gotten last pictures of him... But I'm kind of glad that my "crappy" phone was able to capture him the minute before the Vet came in (last picture, being held by Brandon), and that it wasn't able to capture just how awful he really looked... His bruised, swollen, bleeding face... That image will haunt me forever. My poor baby :( :(

We always joked that we were going to "trade him in" for one of our foster dogs, or another dog, becuase he was so rotten... "Demon dog", or, as I constantly told people, "Sent to test me"... But the truth is, is that there is no dog that could EVER take his place... No dog I'd ever want over him... He was my baby. My responsibility. Mine to spoil, love, cuddle with... MINE.

Come home, Gray... Please lick my face w/ your alarmingly stinky breath & wake me up from this nightmare... :(

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