I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I'm Moving On.

There are things in my life that I have found myself to be more than content with as of late. For example, the choices that I've made, people that I've cut out of my life completely, friendships that have grown (new or old) and decisions I've made, most of them spur of the moment. I ended a relationship that wasn't working, to realize how beautiful a thing it is to learn how to stand on my own two feet... For pretty much the first time in 2 1/2 years. In the process of doing so, I learned so much about myself... Both good and bad... and looking at it all now, I'd have to say it was more than worth it. Living on my own has allowed me to make time for the friends in my life who matter more than anything... I have to admit that it's refreshing (and liberating) to not have to "report" to anyone... To be able to go home at night to just my puppy, and to appreciate little things like "date nights" and sleeping in my OWN bed... To have my own privacy, my own secrets, my own life... To be "Carissa", and not "Carissa and ____". I'm my own person... My own individual being. I've never appreciated or understood the beauty of that until now. I do have to say that it's taking a lot of getting used to... But I absolutely love it.

2010 has been a year of changes for me. TREMENDOUS changes, might I add. I can't believe how much I've endured, and how much I've learned, in only a matter of 9 months. I went from a rocky, violent, unstable relationship to (immediately) a relationship that was much different... Much calmer and happier... But still not right. I've boasted and bragged and preached a million times over about NOT settling, but it took me until recently to STOP doing just that. I keep discovering new qualities and strengths about myself... Characteristics that continue to surprise and impress me, day in and day out. I look back on my past, and am so proud of the person I've become. I'm proud of the woman that has grown from the little girl that I was for so long. The insecure, depressed, haunted, hopeless romantic that once inhibited this body has been replaced by a strong, confident, happy, determined realist who is constantly striving for better. I'm no longer held back by people or bound by memories--In fact, I'm using my past as the motivation I need to move forward in life.

I take a look at the things in my life that bring me down, and it's not hard to figure out who I need to walk away from, or what I need to do differently. Florida makes me miserable. Not just the state... But the people. The jobs. The constant "need" to do better... The same "need" that makes me push myself harder and harder over the edge to try and impress the people who control me... When, in the end, I don't get rewarded at all. I'm making no money for all of the effort and time I've put in, and the only thing I walk away with each night at the end of work is anger and bitterness. I choose not to speak to people because I refuse to kiss up to people who, in my opinion, aren't worth the stress or energy. I refuse to be fake to even the fakest of people, because I'm better than that. I've talked about moving for years now... Always a different place, and never a follow-through on anything. I have friends and family looking for jobs for me in both New England and New York, and I'm crossing my fingers and praying like crazy that something wonderful comes my way. I miss my family, my friends, the seasons... I need to start over in a place where I'm not alone, but at the same time, where most people don't know me or anything about me. I'd love to start over somewhere new, just the puppy and I... Spending the past 2 days on vacation in Pittsburgh has solidified that desire. I'm going to make it happen...

I want to leave all of the negative things in my life behind for good. No more crappy work, fake people, awful gossip/rumors, dramatic/pathetic ex-relationships... Etc.

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