I've created & kept this blog to compile the thoughts, dreams and wisdom that I've discovered from others or merely written myself. This blog is, in a sense, an expression of everything that is me.. Whether I wrote it or not. The most recent entries are a series of quotes, lyrics and videos.. But travel back through the archives and you'll delve deep into my heart, through my own words.

To those who I've quoted or borrowed from: Thank you for being beautiful.. for deeply inspiring me in one way or another. I hope you find that I've used your material in an appropriate fashion.. I try always to cite my sources. I take NO credit for that which is not my own.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I Caught Fire

You could stay and watch me fall, and of course, I'd ask for help.

-the used-
It's funny how much time can pass but how sharp our memories still are. Sights, sounds, tastes.. The tiniest of reminders can bring us back into moments--significant or not--from our past. Certain songs forever hold ties to people/places. Past destinations never let us forget everything. There's always something there to remind [you].

It was a warm day that afternoon. We were stuck in traffic and didn't know if we'd make it in time. We did, though. Make it in time, I mean. I had worn my friend's black slip-on shoes that were far too small, and sorely (figuratively AND literally) regretted it all night. I was in one of my cranky moods, for some reason. Nothing too out of the ordinary for me, I suppose. I hate big crowds, but somehow got sucked into a large pit when I was trying to follow my two friends. The large man in front of me kept jumping on my toes, and it took everything in me to not cry... But God, I wanted to. I tried yelling so he'd get off of me, but amidst the crowd of screaming, drunken fools, my voice was more than lost. So I pinched. I pinched hard. He jumped, and I scurried away. I would have swollen, ugly bruises on both feet for several days.. Bad enough that I couldn't wear closed shoes. I have avoided crowds that large since that day, actually.

I'm a little girl. Not tiny, but I'm little... So I get pushed around far too easily. Fortunately, after I escaped bigfoot, I was taken under the wing of several tall, obnoxious guys, who found it (in their drunken state) their privileged duty to protect me and guide me out of the crowd. Thank God for them.. I don't know how long I could have survived had I not been lifted out when I was. This is no exaggeration, you know. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I ran. I ran away from the crowd, away from the sweaty stench of hundreds of bodies, and I found refuge right in front of the sound-tent. It was cool and less crowded. I fluctuated between sitting on the dirt/grass and standing up. It got chilly.. I was only wearing a tube-top and jeans.

That's where you came in. You offered me your spot against the fence... Repeatedly. And, true to form, I repeatedly turned you down. I wasn't there for that. I wasn't there for any other reason than to try to enjoy myself after months of hurting and confusion. You weren't creepy, though. You were persistent. You were kind. We wound up exchanging small talk.. Nothing more than funny lines and polite conversation. We talked about the night, about music, about the two guys on stage who thought it appropriate to kiss for all to see. I didn't even hear your name over the noise, but we chatted and grinned at each other anyway. I finally wound up leaning against the fence, and then standing on it, since I couldn't see. It was nice. It was casual. As the night was wrapping up, you leaned over and asked if you could get my number... & I dropped the boyfriend line. Of course, I didn't have one, but I was trying to be guarded after certain recent events had taught me to use caution. Then, for some reason STILL unknown to me, I changed my mind and hurriedly gave you my number anyway. I didn't get yours, but I didn't realize that until you dipped out. My friend piggy-back carried me to the car, since I really couldn't walk, and the entire time, I was hoping (for what reason, too!?) that I'd get a message or a call from the stranger who I'd given my numer to only minutes before. And... I did. Moments later. Moments after I started driving out of the parking lot. Moments before I realized that my phone was broken. We texted until my battery died.

Like I said. Certain songs forever hold ties to things in our past. I heard this song awhile back, out of the blue, and it was deja vu all over again. That brings me to this day. It was on this date a few years back that my story took place. I remember the oddest, most unnecessary details. It traps me, it may make me look pathetic and vulnerable, but it defines who I am. This is not some pitiful cry out in hopes of reconciliation, nor is it an attempt at getting your attention. This isn't leftover l
onging, and it's not at all pathetic or cause for you to get annoyed. I'm sure this will remain unread by anyone you even know. This is my chance to say that I don't forget things in my life. I can't wipe things away as if they never existed/occurred, and I face reminders every day of my life.

It's a little strange to be the only one to remember a thing like this.. To remember details so insignificant.. To bring them to light years later. It's strange being the only one to not have forgotten, and to have wanted to remember. Because remembering is so much better when it's not done in shame or uncertainty.


Lorelle said...

I know that feeling so well. When you hear a song, or a familiar smell and all those long buried memories come flooding to the surface. And you don't regret things, or long to change them, you just still have a hold on those feelings. It's bittersweet.

carissarose. said...

You couldn't have put it better, Kels.. I'm glad you know what I'm talking about, and I'm even more glad that someone else understands/experiences the same thing :-)

Anonymous said...

im sure he does remember & that he thinks about you still. he just might not show it or talk about it. but people dont just forget things like that. especially if it was someone that left that big of an imprint on your memories.

Anonymous said...

This is great.
Who is this about? Do you still speak with him?
I hope so, you seem like a great person.