Drowning.

"I just wanna be here now..."

I shouldn't be thinking about you..
but I'm 4 beers in and 3 shots deep,
and I can't help but drown in memories...
Memories, and the gripping reality that
I'll never know what happened between us.
I'll never know if anything was real.
& I'm sick of not having closure.
I'm sick of wondering what I was.
It kills me that, a year later, I'm still wondering why...

Why?

Such a vague, open question..
You have to be prepared for the answer.. Very prepared.
I'm sick of preparing for a letdown.
All the freaking time.

Where do I go from here?

The record needle has been stuck on this for far too long,
and I'm getting sick of listening to the same damn song.
So tired.. So sick.. So ready to not ever hear it again.

I don't ever want to feel like this again..
Someone.
Please.
Make it stop.

Is this what drowning feels like?


I don't deserve to feel bitter.
I don't at all.
I always let myself get to this point.
& it's always as much my fault as theirs...
But I'm always bitter.
I'm a hypocrit.

I just want someone to prove me wrong.
Prove that I'm not so shitty.
Please.