I could make you feel like the [king] of the world but I won't
Cause you're full of imperfections.
-forever the sickest kids-

"So I'll build you a song, and I know you're gonna love it
'cause I'm putting in all the pieces that you said you wanted in it,
and I'm writing it here in my room in just my underwear and an orange t-shirt
'cause I know that you'd think that was hot."
-amber rubarth-

I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night.
-the used-


Time takes its toll on us
(this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
-circa survive-


A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?
-circa survive-


And all of the time you thought i was sad,
i was trying to remember your name.
-stars-

OLD part 2

(2006)

I don't know you at all anymore these days.
Honestly, it scares me to death.
You were the only thing I thought I actually DID know.

Now I'm alone again.

I started writing you letters... tons of them.
I ripped each of them up after the first few lines.

Word play can't fix the past or compete with reality.
I wish I could understand that.

On paper, I'm able to express myself clearly.
I can write about anything, and dress it up with fashionable words and catchy phrases..
It makes what I feel seem sophisticated and chic.
Better than it is, or than I'd like it to be.
A touch of flare, perhaps..
Extravagant word usage to play up the boring, idle thoughts of an eighteen-year old who thinks far too much for her own good.

Though, on sudden thought, I don't know why anyone would want to read through incessant ramblings from an opinionated mess of a hopeless romantic.. & then, actually enjoy what they read..

That would make them crazy, too, you know.

I used to write you letters filled with talks of the future..
of cheery lyrics and bold professions of love..
of silly girlfriend chatter, pointless, but nonetheless fun to read.

Now I write about tears and guilt and absolute misery.

Oh, how the times have changed...
This warped new take on things has taken the best of me.

The only way I ever felt that I could truly touch your heart so deeply was through my letters.
It's uplifting to pour out my feelings and desires onto an empty piece of paper, a blank canvas, and turn emotions into a dynamite masterpiece...
A letter, true, but a testimony even more so.
A confession.. Or many, at that.

OLD part 1

(2006)

I used to hate myself because I felt like a failure.

I felt ugly...
worthless...
incomplete...

Then I met you, and even though I still doubted many things, I learned how to love myself.

I felt beautiful...
special...
& so complete.

I took the best thing I ever had for granted...
and after all was said and done,
I felt the consequences.

I never thought I'd lose you.. Not ever.
Then I did... So I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

When I lost you, my world crumbled.

& ALL over again,
I felt ugly...
I felt worthless...
& God, I felt incomplete.

For the first time in my life, though,
I learned how to believe in myself.

It took you NOT believing to show me that I could.
Thank you for opening my eyes.

People Never Change.

Sure, it's easy to say we can change..
Just as easy as the way we can change our appearances, our moods, our outfits, or our views on life.
It's not hard to act like a new person, or even to truly believe you have come a long way.

The truth is, when the going gets tough, our real character shows through.
Because when we are skating on thin ice, when our backs are up against walls, and when we feel tested and belittled,
those are the moments when we stop trying to be anything other than the people we always were.

No masks. No facades. No face-paint.
No pretty little exterior with the white-picket fences.

When the spotlight is burning directly in our faces, blinding our eyes,
we stop trying to change. We stop pretending we don't care.
Those are the moments in life when our true characters are defined and displayed.

Change... If you say it enough, (as with any word), it begins to feel foreign in your mouth. A funny word with little meaning. Totally contradicting the real definition.

Contradictions and "changes" go hand-in-hand.

Second chances are meant to reward changes, whether in action, relationships, or any other aspect of our lives.
Second chances are often given to hastily.

Honestly..

If you can't believe in change, then why even consider giving a second chance?

Stick that in your pipe & smoke it.

Strength.

But.. is that really the truth?
Sometimes, it seems that it is..
Though we are taught that we shouldn't hide the pain.

It's so confusing, right??

In all reality, the expression of strength relies mainly on the gravity or differing of every situation we encounter in our lives. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to keep things to ourselves; to try our best to put the situation behind us and leave it in the past where it belongs. On the other hand, there are times in our lives where bottling up emotions and trying to mask our pain becomes too much to handle, and we learn to open up about those experiences and use them as a learning guide to help guide us forward.

Don't let society or anyone else tell you what YOU need. The only person who could honestly know you well enough to determine the ways that you live your life is yourself. You. The person staring back from the reflection in the mirror that hangs in your bathroom. The only person who knows every little detail about your heart, soul, mind, past and present. Don't ever let anyone's advice deter you from that of your own heart.

Strength comes in many forms.
Strength comes to those who make the effort to find it.

Strength isn't by any means easy to have or to use. It takes determination, confidence and will-power. It takes the attitude of an optimist. It takes more than an "I need.." attitude; rather, it requires the whole "I believe and I CAN.." state of mind. Strength is nothing more than the will to succeed/live/dream/become, hidden between eight simple letters.

Take it how you want it.
Use it in a way that will better your life.

Never doubt the power of emotional strength.

Believe me..
It's every bit as promising and rewarding as you want it to be.
All it takes is YOU.

"Stay."

This song chokes me up every time I hear it..
It's beautiful. It's easy to relate to. It's wrong. But it's so true.

Curious.

Does anyone read this thing? If no one is, that's fine, because I'm writing for me.. But I'm curious to know, regardless.

Combating Insomnia...

We will call it insomnia for the time being,
because, by any other description, it would hardly make any sense at all.

It's 4:42 in the morning.
I've been lying awake with the off-set balance of my dreams and reality weighing heavily on my mind.
Frustration. Hope. Ideas. Realizations. More frustration.

Another "plan" won't be becoming my next step in life...
Though, for once, the reason is merely due to a CHANGE in plans.
Rhode Island. New England. Family. Friends.
Cali can come in time. Right now, I need this more than ever.

I have debt to settle.. Transcripts to fix.. Classes to register for.. Money that needs to be made.. "See ya later!"'s to be said.. Loose ends to tie up.. Belongings to be packed.. Transportation issues to be solved..

Pandomonium. Chaos. Hectic mindsets. Constant scatterbrain activity. Panic.

As if reality weren't pressing enough...

I have so many unanswered questions still bouncing around inside of my head. So many issues that were never settled. So many people I can't figure out, or just leave in the past. Many colors, many shades, many levels of pain, confusion, unsettling and wondering.

Simply a few people I would love to open up to:

I will always be in love with you.. But I have to move on. I can't continue to sit & wait, or to play these games anymore.
You'll never realize how great my dislike for you has become. Keep trying to sabotage my happiness. Fake bitches never win.
You led me on, lied to me, cost me money that I could definitely use right now... & for what, really?? You gained nothing...
"Just friends" was fine when you were hurting, but couldn't be enough when I needed it to be that way.. Instead, you ditch and start rumors.
Hey nose-biter.. Your ex never knew about me, so why am I almost wishing that she had? Am I feeling that forgotten in the scheme of things?
You are a funny, wonderful person.. and it kills me that everyone forgets about me when you come around. I hate being the "sidekick".
You didn't tell me you had a girlfriend, but swore it was ending with her.. 2 months ago when we last talked. What?!
I really love you, girl.. That's why I'm always there. So return the favor. We all have problems we want to talk about, too.
NC would have been nice. I'm just saying.

Anonymous dedicated venting sessions. Epic. Could be endless. I had to stop.
One day... One day, I'll know the answers. That, or I'll forget to care.
If only indifference and ignorance came free.

Nash called me out on being a romantic.
That is the cause to most of my problems.
I can't leave things well enough alone.

"And THERE's your sign."

Thank you, blue-collar comedy. Oh, Jeff Foxworthy.