Stranded.

Tell me my next move.

Is anyone out there?
Does anyone want to help?

"Are you there, God?
It's me, Carissa..."

I need an intervention.
From God..
Or someone.
Or something.

Anything out there that's listening.
Actually listening.

I don't know what to do next.

Roll the dice.
Spin the wheel.
Flip over that card you're holding.
Let me pass GO & collect my $20 already.

Just move me from this spot.
Move me back a bit.
Move me far forward.

Move me somewhere new and exciting.

Anywhere but here.

Being stuck in this moment is unsettling.
Not knowing my next move,
my next living situation,
my plans for the future,
who really IS in my life,
and where things really stand...
It's sending me in circles.

I can't continue doing circles.
I get dizzy far too quickly.


So help me out here.

Listen UP.

I don't like to be viewed as "convenient".


Correction:

I am NOT a convenience.


However, some people don't seem to get that.

For example:

"Car, you're so cool to talk to.... [when it's convenient for me]
"I miss you... [because I don't have anyone else to miss]
"Come over and hang out with me... [since I'm bored]

NO!!!

I'm not stupid.

I'm not your back-up plan. I'm not a distraction. I'm not the "side-girl", "side-friend", "side-attraction", when all else fails. I'm not the last resort.

If I'm any of that to anyone, they are nothing to me. From now on. End of story.

Because I'm sick of being there for people to vent to, laugh with, play emotion-games with... and then the minute I need anything in return, they aren't there. It's bullshit! and quite frankly, I'm too good for it.

Why don't people get that?!?!?!



(Side-note: CA in 9)

Bring It Back.

Please.
I can't take this anymore.


This isn't what I signed up for.
Or what it started out like.
In any way.

Dear God.

((By: Avenged Sevenfold.))

The lyrics get me. Read them.
If you read this.. Tell me. I need to know its been given thought.

"A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find
While I recall all the words you spoke to me
Can't help but wish that I was there
Back where I'd love to be, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
But I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

There's nothing here for me on this barren road
There's no one here while the city sleeps
and all the shops are closed
Can't help but think of the times I've had with you
Pictures and some memories will have to help me through, oh yeah

Dear God the only thing I ask of you is
to hold her when I'm not around,
when I'm much too far away
We all need that person who can be true to you
I left her when I found her
And now I wish I'd stayed
’Cause I'm lonely and I'm tired
I'm missing you again oh no
Once again

Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
when hope begins to fade...

A lonely road, crossed another cold state line
Miles away from those I love purpose hard to find"

Brutality.

Since I had to stay awake, I killed WAYYY too much time online.


-I added things to sell on my Ebay account.

-I brought back old photo albums on my myspace.

-I re-vamped my page. (REAL boredom. Oh Lord.
)
-I wrote some new blog material.

-I actually went through some emails, thus bringing the Inbox number back below "1000" (Sad. I know.
)
-I found potential summer internships in different states.



And now I'm exhausted, but I'm scared that if I fall asleep, I won't wake up in time...

Brutal.


Red Sox game tomorrow.
Woooo!!!!
No work for 4 days (again). Yeeessss.

Last exam of the semester is Wednesday. Thank God.

Kim comes back from Tally this week... I'm stoked :-)
Hotel on Treasure Island with Jules next weekend for Cinco de Mayo.. <33
Cali in 11 days... Holy crap, that's soon.

My birthday (in CA) in 12 days.
How has a year passed?!


Many, many good things in the next 2 weeks alone.

Ooo La la... Auto-Bio Rant.

In a nutshell..
I'm extremely different. Treat me like it.
"People like you are why people like me exist."
I have a bad-habit of over-analyzing.
Don't say I never warned you.
I'm sarcastic, not a bitch.
I'll do anything for my bests.
Money does NOT phase me. I prefer picnics & $4 champagne over dressy restaurants & expensive jewels ANY day..
I adore words and melodies.
Screw umbrellas.. I'm always up for playing in the rain.
I DON'T tolerate crap. At ALL.
I'm a little too silly, sometimes.
Buy me a beer, we'll get along great.
Be different than everone else.
I only accept honesty. I hate fakes.

"Lord knows, I can't change."

I take life as it comes.
I have faith.
"I live with what I've known."
I miss a lot of people from my past.
I'm overly content with headphones, wine & a hot bath.
Smiling gets me deep down.
I write about everything.
I NEVER forget.
If you care about me, show me. Don't ever cut back.
Treat me differently than "other girls".
Be random..
I just may love you for it.

Missing...

When I'm missing a lot of things at once, I feel a deep void inside.

It leaves me hollow and in question.
Opening closed (or semi-closed) doors. (Or trying to, at least).
Stuck once again in memories.
Wishing things were different.

But things aren't different. They won't be different. They are the way they are for a reason, and they can't (won't) ever be the same again.

This is life.

We don't make the rules. We don't get much say in how the game is played. We are merely pawns, cardboard or plastic cut-outs, and the next place we land is determined by the card-holder. The dice-tosser. The banker. Ultimately, overall, the rule-book. It goes without saying that cheating life is much more difficult than cheating a silly board-game. If it were that easy, we'd all be doing it.

(NOTE: By 'cheating life', I don't mean 'cheating IN life'... Everyone does that. Whether on tests or on partners, people 'cheat IN life'. 'Cheating life' means skating by. Avoiding the struggles. Bypassing anything hard or painful. 'Cheating life.')

I was reminded tonight that I deserve the world. That I'm better than I let people give me credit for. That I'm a smart girl, I'm going places. I AM going places, and I don't care what obstacles are in my way. I'm prepared. I'll face them. I view every challenge as a learning block.. A stepping stone. I'm going to cross them. Jump them. Run past them with both middle fingers high in the air, if I need to. I've come far enough to know that I'm better than the bullshit people throw at me.

But 'cheating life' means getting away scotch-free... I wear many bruises. Many scars. Many stories that define who I am. That's fine with me... But feeling void sometimes is one of the most unsettling feelings that I think anyone can have.

I'm happy, don't get me wrong. I'm very happy.

I have a great family. Wonderful friends. An amazing guy.
I'm young, I'm healthy, and I have the world in my favor.
I'm motivated. I'm determined. I'm stubborn.
I work hard. I'm a smart girl. I've learned more than most in just 20 years.

I'm happier than most people will ever be.

It doesn't erase the "missing" things in my life.

I miss innocence, sometimes.
I miss good friends who time stole or changed.
I miss deep conversations that meant anything.
I miss academic satisfaction.
I miss drama-free situations.

I miss being close to people who I thought would be there forever.
I miss chances that I never took.

Right now, I miss living closer to Chrissy & Wang.
I miss silly, random sleepovers with Kim.
I miss pier talks and grey's anatomy/wine-fests.
I miss summer adventures in Easton & Mansfield with Steph.
I miss Barnes & Nobles nights a few times a week, for studying (or NOT).
I miss taking off spontaneously with Kourt.
I miss porch-nights in South Tampa.
I miss shit-talking nights & USF nights with Jaclyn.
Heck, I even miss sobfest phone calls, outside in my bare feet with Jac.
I miss the week I spent in New Orleans with K, Nick and Art.
I miss those typical "Bourbon Street Style", "we-like-to-party" all-nighters.
I miss being at Tahoe with my family, on our balcony, in the snow...
I miss picking berries at my grandparents house with my siblings, Steph & Erica, when we were little.
I miss dressing up in Grandma's clothes.
I miss Governor Dummer times. We always had the best times there.
I miss sandcastle competitions.
I miss Ship, pre-gossip. Back in the days of Dre, Flounder & Ariel.
I miss Massachusetts at Christmas.
I miss New Jersey in the fall.
I miss Kev's musical practices.. I loved them, actually.
I miss hugs & talks from Aunt Barb, and Uncle Jay's chicken/cream of mushroom soup/rice dish.
I miss LBI last summer, with the Moorestown crew, Dan & Matt.
I miss Florida B.S., before college times. With my boys. Beach times. Breaking rules. Dock talks.
I miss being close to JD and Art.
I miss when being friends was just that. Never more. It never turns out well.
I miss summer '06.. The trip to Orlando with Dharyl & Justin & Josh. Timeshares, food, Old-Town, Islands of Adventure, waterparks, etc.
I miss seeing Lynz, Sari, Jess, Kim.. The Jersey girls.
I miss being Sarah's FORK.
I miss plans to move out of this state. Mass, Chicago, NY, Cali... I never made it out.
I miss my long-hair.
I miss cherry-tomatoes straight of my Grandma Pride's garden in RI.
I miss baby-sitting the twins when they were little babies.
I miss talking about my dads records with him in Apollo Beach.
I miss spring breaks on Clearwater Beach. OLD Clearwater Beach.
I miss HoCo back when it was legit. Drunk nights, cool crowd, always hanging out.
I miss when Thunder was a puppy, and used to dig out of the yard.. I miss being annoyed at having to chase him.
I miss Orlando nights circa October '06. "Bubbly". Bathroom smokes. 8am breakfasts.
I miss thinking that closing at 1am was late.
I miss being driven in school.
I miss making my parents proud.
I miss being naive to everything sucky around me.
I miss pretending to be asleep with my siblings when we were little, so that my parents would carry us inside after car-rides home from night-time events.
I miss reading all the time.
I miss Cinderella nightgowns.
I miss Devil Rays games with my dad and brother.
I miss driving my mom to work when we shared a car.
I miss creative writing class.
I miss not paying rent. (In some ways.)
I miss the excitement of a brand new apartment.
I miss realism.
I miss Naya being down the hall already.
I miss all-night Family Guy/comedy fests, falling asleep on the couch with her.
I miss NOT BEING SICK!!!


I had to get it out.
Lots of little things.
20 years worth.
There are more.
But I needed to list just a few.

Don't mistake this for anything other than the need to write.
I kind of miss doing that, too.

But I'm happy.
Semester's over next week.
I have two weeks to breathe and clear my head before summer classes.
I go to Cali on the 8th.
My birthday is the 9th.
I get to see my man.
I might move this summer.

Pheeewwwww.

return.

Things need to stay where they belong. Stat. This is nothing like before.

I don't follow other agendas. I don't believe lies. I don't understand why either exist, or why people find the need to be so fake and judgemental.

"High and mighty."
"Better than you."
"Holier than thou."
"The shit."

WHATEVER.

Gag me.



CA in 2 weeks.
Boy, do i need this.

Growing Back the Long Hair...

Strange.

Today, I purchased a cd at the mall with Naya, and as we were walking out to the car, I was talking about something while I started opening it, and as I cracked the case open, I looked at the piece of paper atop the cd, and there was my babe. That shut me up quick.. Didn't expect to see that there! Hello...

Chenaya leaves in 2 hours. It's 4:20 on 4/21.

((I'm a little late on the coinciding time/date thing, so that was a completely useless fact... I'm aware.))

I'm going to miss the heck out of that girl.

Currently:
Woodale - "Here"
Dear Juliet - "I'm Ready"
Bedlam Stories - "Touch"
Avenged Sevenfold - "Seize the Day"
Matchbook Romance - "Lovers & Liars"
American Football - "Letters & Packages"
Colbie Caillat - "Magic"
City and Colour - "Cross My Heart"
Park - "Conversations with Emily"
12 Stones - "Hey Love"