And it's cold, but it keeps you warm...

They just relax that way
I'm with that, I'm with them
You arent. You are alive, damn it
Crayon past the line, stay after school
Crossword filled in non-photo blue
So they'll never find you
I get the same result
We get the same effect

I hardly write in this anymore... Maybe things are too good, and I don't have anything mopey/depressing to inspire me to write anymore... Just kidding! Things really are going well these days, so that's not the issue. I'm just an extremely busy lady, and I like it a lot.

I get my associates in May, finally... So I'm cracking down on studying and attending classes this semester. That's a first... Procrastination is out of the question, and for me, that is a very tricky habit to break! So here's to being a good student...

Jack Russell puppies are like human babies... Very big personalities, very dependent and VERY time consuming. Between puppy training pads and flea/tapeworm issues, they are also very expensive! But despite the prices, the carpet messes, the chewed up rolls of toilet paper and towels and the limitless amounts of attention that are required, they are extremely rewarding. I love having Graceon... It's such a different experience from our family dog, Thunder, who is so much older and less needy.

The weather last night was in the 20's and 30's here in sunny Florida. I've been freezing my butt off, and everyone up north thinks it's hilarious! This morning, the lawn at my mother's house was white, and we had to scrape off our windshields. A little bit ridiculous, if you ask me..

MonkeyDogPig (similar to ManBearPig)

Here's My Farewell...

..to a year that may have topped most others in my life...

..a year full of unexpected twists, surprises, new friends, reconnections, many mistakes, even more lessons, hello's, goodbye's, apologies, and so much more.

From ringing in the New Year in a front yard in Mandeville, Louisiana with Kourt, the Braiwick family, Nick Beesley, Eric, Aaron and so many wonderful friends and new aquiantances, to ending the year at home in Tampa, Florida with Josh and my amazing childhood friends, this year has seen me in places I never imagined I would go/find/see.

Here's to the good and bad memories and experiences of a year that was like no other before it.

Here's to the highlights AND the lowlights of 2008:

-Mandeville, Louisiana: Bourbon street, hand grenades, getting (almost) kicked out of the Dungeon... 3 strikes (Kourt!), great southern cooking, "boots with the fur", deep talks, great bonding, new friends, old friends, fireworks and bonfires, kegs in the front yard, Nick's car accident
-Tampa, Florida: apartment 3301 at Hawk's Landing, new roommates and the original neighbor crew (Naya, Caroline, Sayble, Derek, Cody, John, Sam, Doug, Xander), Cody's birthday celebration, cops at the complex, many parties, family guy nights, numerous "sleepovers" and houseguests, three guys in the shower, beach trips, smokeouts, Naya & Caroline sliding phones under my door while I slept, etc!
-Lake Tahoe, Nevada: three connecting flights with the family, Naegle room 1272, central hot tub in the snow, bad ending to a friendship over the phone, snowboarding lessons, mount Heavenly, Pats/Chargers game pre-superbowl at Harvey's casino, the liftee parties, firepits at Fire & Ice, bad bruises, Julia disobeying the "don't lick the frozen pole" rule, long johns, hookah and beer pong,
-Jacksonville with Sayble
-Valentines 08: "Family" dinner with the neighbors, dressing up with Sayble, visitors and people passing out early, macademia encrusted tilapia and asparagus and mashed potatoes, red velvet cake
-Shady hotel rooms off Columbus Ave and miller high-life's with the Minnesota boys
-Channelside nights and Tally road trips with Julia, High Springs, Classical music on 4 hour drives, "Charlie", the ABC game
-Tallahassee bars with Kim and her neighbors, picking on Carboy, all-nighter gossiping on the couch with Kimmy about boys and life and everything else, photo-shoots, waffles, movie times
-"TCS... what does that stand for?!" (Tom, Josh and Caroline)
-BOO and Nicholas: Aladdin, permanent marker wars on the passed out people, triple shower photo shoot, male cuddle-sesh, new backgrounds on my laptop
-Angel and Bob's visit: drinking with Caroline in our kitchen, one giant handle of Jack, "I'm gonna boom-boom-boom you all the way across the parking lot!!", crazy drunk mothers going after Angel, stairwell talks
-interesting job... (to say the least!)
-Parasols and THA, long phone talks and texting sessions
-THA and Kroeg, 4 am arrival times, lack of sleep for 2+ days, sushi in St Pete with Wang-a-Tang, brother's visits and green time, more deep conversations, Bee movie, etc
-4LL 3 day sleepover: skatepark in Tampa, "Flower and Esteban", peace/love and Mark Diesel tatt's, Ybor visits, Clearwater beach and saving injured seagulls with Esteban, burying Aladdin with tourists, booze, van-naps, Hawthorne Heights songs in the general direction, romance cover novels, purple ring, elephant bowls and triple b action, Rascal Flatts sing-alongs in the kitchen, broken vase/flowers in the bathroom, incense and candles, tater-tots and jagerbombs
-Taste of Chaos (Orl & TPA): Kourt, Dan, Johnny and I, rockstars & beer, fiddle and guitar
-many beach trips & spring break
-STD/AFS: Georgia, Sayble, Paige, Nash and Chris - dance parties and vodka/RB's all night long
-Crazy nights with Paige, temporary roommate, Dollhouse night and giving out numbers, "What if he came out of the room and I was like THIS?! haha!", strip photo shoot for Caroline, leading strangers on a goose chase, funny long talks, drunk late nights, ETC
-Red Sox games!!! Ferg's and limbo, drinks and dancing, "Sweeeeet Caroliiinnnneee..."
-Summer break and Kim at home, beach with my girls, wine nights with Chrissy Jen and Barry, Poblanos, "negative nancy's", crazy drama
-Nicholas visits again: Veil of Maya crashing over, Naya's room, Jeff and Caroline, stringing the babydoll up on the fan, everyone getting inebriated while I worked and the crazy drama that occured, police and Latoya getting hogtied (!), Planet Earth and Family Guy marathons, pantry episodes... Long drives to small skateparks and visiting, drives and text messages, bad behavior, Jeff singing country, etc
-Sacramento, California: change of plans and new destination, staying with an old friend and meeting several new friends, spending my birthday around a campfire and feeling at home, good brownies, SAC/Ludo at the boardwalk, airsoft guns, Mayday Parade singalongs, permanent marker tattoos, Ckah and Zachhall hangouts, Wii Mariokart, Cali trees, Sushi and mall-outings with Beardicus, walking/biking downtown with BA, thrifting with Alex, Chico and the police, benefit show at CSU, Holly Berry, vodka shots in Sig's car to Jacks Mannequin, interesting occurences/events, downtown show my last night, new bowls and swirly popsicles, Gina's apartment party, shots and alcohol alllllll night
-Dr Acula and Liferuiner: Tampa, Orlando and Jacksonville, Greg Moore and Ming, Jesse Garza and writing on his apt wall, all night talks with Donny, beach day with Stacy, D and Ernie, The Punisher, Walmart trips, craaaaazy drama
-Kroeger and Phil and AM, good southern cooking, BL with lime, van smokeouts, Chuckles and Biscuit, pillow fights and sleepovers in the guest room, long talks on the patio
-Gainesville with Kourtney to see Esteban, undercooked chicken, long talks at the bar
-Channelside, Banana Joes and the Hut, dollar pitchers, 807 porch nights
-12 at Bourbon in NPR: rekindling old friendships, 3-day excursions around FL, St Augustine and the Coca Cola Pavilion, dirty redneck fights in the pavilion, "Crazy Bitch" and Buckcherry's performance, DIANA (!), Diana dancing, back lounge til the sun was up (like usual!), talks/sing alongs with Kourt, Aaron, Art, Paul and Eric, "family moments", dance parties on the bus and bar and pier, hotel rooms and sleeping all day, the Conch House (enough said.. haha), Irish Jokes, SoCo lime tradition shots, "OYE!", "A & T, a a and t!!", falling down... both times, Paul and Art rescuing me, "where are my pants? and underwear?!" (hahhahaha), next day damage, 3-week long bruises, hungover car rides home
-sleepovers and rekindling things with Josh
-4th of July: dollar drinks, Josh and Nicole and the 807 crew, dancers on the bar, cab rides and small man going to the bathroom at the stoplight in front of us, skinny dippers at 807's pool, josh's car breaking down, driving to my apt and then to Brandon
-Projeckt Revolution: visiting with Nash, back lounge conversations, Linkin Park in the lawn and dancing and singing, Lancie-B and Kourt (typical! haha) post-show, driving to steak-n-shake and eating with Josh and his friends, getting back with my babe
-(Almost) daily chats with my wonderful cousin, Steph, and growing sooooo much closer.
-all of the up's and down's getting back together with Josh, and finding out that it worked out perfectly... something neither of us EVER expected to happen before it did!!!
-Casey Key with J and his family, boat outings, drum circles, beach retreat room 17
-Beer pong nights and jagerbombs
-Halloween and going out to Applebees with J, JG and Jaclyn
-Wine, Grey's and General Hospital times with Jenna and Christina
-"the roommates": Freak, Annoying one, Plain one and the Crazy one
-Hospital visits to J&C's mama
-Trip to Tallahassee, Thursday night out, Losing Kim, talking to the cop with Savannah, bus rides barefoot, "cavity search!" and the latex glove incident, girl talk, magna-doodle board messages, mirror messages in lotion, "He hung me like a m*f*in slave!", drunk talk, 5 am booty calls (hahahahahaha), Moes and mcdonalds, FSU adventures
-RIP Buddy - 11/08
-Thanksgiving @ 2 houses and Wii challenges
-Fort Meyers with Heather, hanging with Dan, catching up with someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in a very long time, lots of beers, lots of memories, Shinedown and A7X on stage, home at 4 am
-Next Big Thing: Kourt, Julia, Jenna, Paulie, Chrissy, Wang and many other friends, getting drunk early, such a great lineup, Anberlin, chatting with Chris, breaking my phone, leaving early
-Family guy nights with Jenna and Paulie, making food, taking exams, stressing and chatting, a Clockwork Orange, Ferg's with the crew and taco bell with Jenna afterwards, Mariokart Wii (of course!)
-Driving with Kim ALL DAY to Cross City (where?! haha) to get Josh's Christmas present... and keeping that a secret for 5 long days until Christmas!!!
-Puppy nights at Julia's, Dirty Love and Cruel Intentions, Julia being amazing and watching the puppy while I worked
-surprising Josh on Christmas morning with the puppy!!
-having an amazing Christmas at 3 different houses
-spending a good winter break with both my best friend AND my babe

There are SOOOOOOOOOOO many memories that I summarized or entirely left out, for several reasons, but I hold each of them close to me for some reason or another. Everyone in my life knows their involvement in the past year, and to each of you, I thank you for your part, whether bad or good. Because no matter how amazing or how awful each experience turned out to be, I took them as learning experiences and used each lesson to make myself a better person.

2008 both dragged on and flew by all too quickly. 2008 saw me at both my best and quite possibly, some of my worst moments. 2008 saw heartaches, heartbreaks, hard times, new experiences and rekindled flames. 2008 started and ended ENTIRELY different, and everything in-between was far more unique an unstable than could have been planned. 2008 was nothing like I originally hoped it to be.

2008, I salute you, and I bid you farewell.

Deep Inside of You.

I breathe by your looks and you look right through me.

Check it out...

"When you were mine,

was I for you just one cheap thrill just to help you make it?

Damnit, I hope you didn't fake it."

-framing hanley-

Eye-Language.

Concerning one's eyes.

How can you discern whether or not they are smiling at you or showing pity?
And if it's not a look of longing or a re-discovered,

familiar gaze full of memories, what kind of look is being expressed??

Most eyes are so easy to read.

Then, of course, there are a select few that leave me both wondering and, even worse, absolutely terrified.

All this time...

.
..was I really just getting my hopes up for nothing more than an absolute letdown?

Was everything between us really just a lot less special than I remember it to be? Or, has time just played cruel tricks on my mind and, even moreso, in reality?

It's insanely frustrating how many emotions one can go through in a matter of mere hours. A hectic whirl-wind of a roller coaster ride, I think that would be more of an accurate description.

To wait for months to finally have the chance to see one another again, and worse, to get so excited about it... To go somewhere with the mentality that things will fall back in place as if months and years had never occurred... To get swept up in a barrage of memories and then proceed to use those recollections as a mental guide for the way that things will happen... To feel nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, happy, insecure, embarrassed, angry, hopeful, frustrated, hurt, courageous and disappointed ALL at the same time... To finally come face-to-face with something that you've struggled to move past for a very long time, and then to be left questioning whether or not those feelings were, in fact, real/plausible/mutual...

You are, to me, a massive amount of draining and unnecessary confusion. I can try to interpret your actions as a negative thing, or I can look at it from the complete opposite way and give you the benefit of the doubt.... Problem is, I should be long-past caring about whatever it is that your behavior meant. I should stop pretending that whatever "we" were was something almost fairytale-esque, and realize that I probably went way too far, allowing myself to get lost in an illusion. All of this time, I've credited something that might not have even existed... And getting the truth is pretty much near-impossible, because who I am to you apparently doesn't matter in the least anymore.

Was I ever real to you? Do I even exist in your memory? Or, am I nothing more than a small bump on the road that is your life?

Give me answers. Give me closure.
Give me something better to go off of than the silence you left me with.
Give me a reason to finally say goodbye.

----------------------------------

"..and what she'd give for one more smile,
and how she hoped he missed her."
-mayday parade-

History...

Why do we learn about history? As many of my teachers have said, history is taught to prevent us from making the same mistakes and to teach us how to avoid failure. Because, as we all know, no matter HOW much we think we can change things, history repeats itself.

Over and over and over and over...

Why don't we ever seem to learn our lessons BEFORE we the bad things happen again?!

I'd really like to know.

Exposed.

10 Anonymous Things You Want to Say to 10 Different People:
1. I 'm still not sure if you stopped being my friend because you really did get hurt by what i said, or because it was easier to blame things on me than on the person you love and obsess over.

2. There are conversations we had online from almost 2 years ago that I found recently on my computer... I still read them, and I still get mopey. Why did you say what you did, to then just disappear?

3. you were too early in blaming me for things, but in the long run, you were right.

4. Why is it that every time I get close to someone you feel would benefit your life, you have to get even closer??

5. I don't ignore your calls... I just have a lot going on in my own life to deal with, and it's hard enough to do that without everyone else venting and no one listening in return.

6. You hurt me in ways that no one should have to ever go through, you allowed my name and reputation to be dragged through the dirt, you never apologized, and now you continue to surround yourself with our mutual friends and live as though you never did anything wrong... I don't know what to be more mad at: you having a great life, or everyone I call "friend" being nice to you and not defending me.

7. it's funny to me how popular and well-liked you think that you are... when in all reality, most people talk about you behind your back, many think you are a fake slut, and no one knows the REAL deal. those who do are morons, too!

8. being a good friend is about mutual companionship... about talking AND listening. when you turn every situation or story into your own, that's being selfish, and that makes me not want to talk to you.

9. for 5 months, I've texted, I've called, I've messaged... and I've got nothing in return. For no reason, by the way. You've always been great at "disappearing" or at "losing yourself in your head", but be fair to me and give me a damn reason as to why you won't speak to me anymore.

10. sometimes I don't want to talk about everything negative... sometimes I'd like to have a conversation NOT bashing him/them. is that too much to ask for?!?!


9 Things About Yourself:
1. I have a terrible addiction to Grey's Anatomy. I quote it, I download songs that are played in each episode, I relate life experiences to those of the characters on the show... I'm addicted.

2. I want to be on a soap opera. I think that they are hilarious and amazing, and I watch General Hospital and Days of Our Lives, and every time, all I can think is that I want to be a soap opera actress.

3. I don't do ANYTHING until almost, if not at, the very last minute. I've tried to break the habit, but procrastination is the only way I do things.

4. Music is more to me than melodies and lyrics. Music is feelings and memories and times in my life that I will always hold in my heart... It's defining of mostly everything important to me.

5. I only like CERTAIN tattoos. I think obscene, stupid, meaningless ink is ugly and trashy.

6. I'm a blanket/bed/cover hog. Even in a king-sized bed, I'll take up the middle and all of the sheets. Unintentional... But I do it.

7. I'm a writer.. I love to write, and I pick up on misspellings and grammatical errors all the time in everyday life. It's a curse... but I get annoyed about it a lot, mostly in text messages and in conversations. I'm very, very picky.

8. I hate when people don't understand simple words. It might be snobby of me, but I view them as ignorant and uneducated when they can't understand something easy.

9. If I could sleep all of the time, I would. I don't, because I feel lazy and unproductive.


8 Ways to Win my Heart:
1. Confidence. (NOT to be confused with cockiness!)

2. Intelligence & Honesty.

3. Great sense of humor -- Make me laugh!!!

4. Respect for others--ESPECIALLY for women.

5. Spontaneity.

6. Romantic!

7. Make time for me without me asking... Put me first sometimes.

8. Want to spend time with the people in my life, willingly.


7 Things that Cross your Mind Often:
1. Joshua.

2. Steph & the apartment.

3. My dad, mom, siblings, grandparents & my Thunder puppy.

4. the schoolwork I'm putting off...

5. Getting my Associates in May.

6. Money... Jobs... Etc.

7. Memories... lots and lots of them.



6 Things you Wish you Never Did:
1. CREDIT CARDS.

2. Random/Wasted hook-ups.

3. Gone to CA.

4. Quit my great money-making job... even though I hated it.

5. Committed to things before I should have.

6. Cared about people who weren't ever there for me.


5 Turn-Offs:
1. Cockiness.

2. Poor hygiene.

3. Inability to hold an intelligent conversation.

4. Burn-outs!!!!!

5. Disrespect for women.



4 Turn-Ons:
1. Nice lips/smile/teeth.

2. Great sense of humor.

3. Brains. MUST have brains.

4. Adventurous/Spontaneous.



3 Smileys that Describe your Life:
1. :-P

2. :-D

3. :-x


2 Things you Want to do Before you Die:
1. Travel... See the world.

2. Marry the man of my dreams.


1 Confession:
1. I've wanted to open my mouth and expose the truth about so many people who have hurt me, to ruin their lives or to hurt them back for what they did to me... But something inside of me always stops me. And unfortunately, I wish I didn't have such strong morals or such a good conscience, because I'd still like to see those people suffer....

Tell him I'm in Tampa on the causeway,
watchin' the waves roll in.
-chris cagle-