All this time...

.
..was I really just getting my hopes up for nothing more than an absolute letdown?

Was everything between us really just a lot less special than I remember it to be? Or, has time just played cruel tricks on my mind and, even moreso, in reality?

It's insanely frustrating how many emotions one can go through in a matter of mere hours. A hectic whirl-wind of a roller coaster ride, I think that would be more of an accurate description.

To wait for months to finally have the chance to see one another again, and worse, to get so excited about it... To go somewhere with the mentality that things will fall back in place as if months and years had never occurred... To get swept up in a barrage of memories and then proceed to use those recollections as a mental guide for the way that things will happen... To feel nervous, excited, anxious, bitter, happy, insecure, embarrassed, angry, hopeful, frustrated, hurt, courageous and disappointed ALL at the same time... To finally come face-to-face with something that you've struggled to move past for a very long time, and then to be left questioning whether or not those feelings were, in fact, real/plausible/mutual...

You are, to me, a massive amount of draining and unnecessary confusion. I can try to interpret your actions as a negative thing, or I can look at it from the complete opposite way and give you the benefit of the doubt.... Problem is, I should be long-past caring about whatever it is that your behavior meant. I should stop pretending that whatever "we" were was something almost fairytale-esque, and realize that I probably went way too far, allowing myself to get lost in an illusion. All of this time, I've credited something that might not have even existed... And getting the truth is pretty much near-impossible, because who I am to you apparently doesn't matter in the least anymore.

Was I ever real to you? Do I even exist in your memory? Or, am I nothing more than a small bump on the road that is your life?

Give me answers. Give me closure.
Give me something better to go off of than the silence you left me with.
Give me a reason to finally say goodbye.

----------------------------------

"..and what she'd give for one more smile,
and how she hoped he missed her."
-mayday parade-

History...

Why do we learn about history? As many of my teachers have said, history is taught to prevent us from making the same mistakes and to teach us how to avoid failure. Because, as we all know, no matter HOW much we think we can change things, history repeats itself.

Over and over and over and over...

Why don't we ever seem to learn our lessons BEFORE we the bad things happen again?!

I'd really like to know.

Exposed.

10 Anonymous Things You Want to Say to 10 Different People:
1. I 'm still not sure if you stopped being my friend because you really did get hurt by what i said, or because it was easier to blame things on me than on the person you love and obsess over.

2. There are conversations we had online from almost 2 years ago that I found recently on my computer... I still read them, and I still get mopey. Why did you say what you did, to then just disappear?

3. you were too early in blaming me for things, but in the long run, you were right.

4. Why is it that every time I get close to someone you feel would benefit your life, you have to get even closer??

5. I don't ignore your calls... I just have a lot going on in my own life to deal with, and it's hard enough to do that without everyone else venting and no one listening in return.

6. You hurt me in ways that no one should have to ever go through, you allowed my name and reputation to be dragged through the dirt, you never apologized, and now you continue to surround yourself with our mutual friends and live as though you never did anything wrong... I don't know what to be more mad at: you having a great life, or everyone I call "friend" being nice to you and not defending me.

7. it's funny to me how popular and well-liked you think that you are... when in all reality, most people talk about you behind your back, many think you are a fake slut, and no one knows the REAL deal. those who do are morons, too!

8. being a good friend is about mutual companionship... about talking AND listening. when you turn every situation or story into your own, that's being selfish, and that makes me not want to talk to you.

9. for 5 months, I've texted, I've called, I've messaged... and I've got nothing in return. For no reason, by the way. You've always been great at "disappearing" or at "losing yourself in your head", but be fair to me and give me a damn reason as to why you won't speak to me anymore.

10. sometimes I don't want to talk about everything negative... sometimes I'd like to have a conversation NOT bashing him/them. is that too much to ask for?!?!


9 Things About Yourself:
1. I have a terrible addiction to Grey's Anatomy. I quote it, I download songs that are played in each episode, I relate life experiences to those of the characters on the show... I'm addicted.

2. I want to be on a soap opera. I think that they are hilarious and amazing, and I watch General Hospital and Days of Our Lives, and every time, all I can think is that I want to be a soap opera actress.

3. I don't do ANYTHING until almost, if not at, the very last minute. I've tried to break the habit, but procrastination is the only way I do things.

4. Music is more to me than melodies and lyrics. Music is feelings and memories and times in my life that I will always hold in my heart... It's defining of mostly everything important to me.

5. I only like CERTAIN tattoos. I think obscene, stupid, meaningless ink is ugly and trashy.

6. I'm a blanket/bed/cover hog. Even in a king-sized bed, I'll take up the middle and all of the sheets. Unintentional... But I do it.

7. I'm a writer.. I love to write, and I pick up on misspellings and grammatical errors all the time in everyday life. It's a curse... but I get annoyed about it a lot, mostly in text messages and in conversations. I'm very, very picky.

8. I hate when people don't understand simple words. It might be snobby of me, but I view them as ignorant and uneducated when they can't understand something easy.

9. If I could sleep all of the time, I would. I don't, because I feel lazy and unproductive.


8 Ways to Win my Heart:
1. Confidence. (NOT to be confused with cockiness!)

2. Intelligence & Honesty.

3. Great sense of humor -- Make me laugh!!!

4. Respect for others--ESPECIALLY for women.

5. Spontaneity.

6. Romantic!

7. Make time for me without me asking... Put me first sometimes.

8. Want to spend time with the people in my life, willingly.


7 Things that Cross your Mind Often:
1. Joshua.

2. Steph & the apartment.

3. My dad, mom, siblings, grandparents & my Thunder puppy.

4. the schoolwork I'm putting off...

5. Getting my Associates in May.

6. Money... Jobs... Etc.

7. Memories... lots and lots of them.



6 Things you Wish you Never Did:
1. CREDIT CARDS.

2. Random/Wasted hook-ups.

3. Gone to CA.

4. Quit my great money-making job... even though I hated it.

5. Committed to things before I should have.

6. Cared about people who weren't ever there for me.


5 Turn-Offs:
1. Cockiness.

2. Poor hygiene.

3. Inability to hold an intelligent conversation.

4. Burn-outs!!!!!

5. Disrespect for women.



4 Turn-Ons:
1. Nice lips/smile/teeth.

2. Great sense of humor.

3. Brains. MUST have brains.

4. Adventurous/Spontaneous.



3 Smileys that Describe your Life:
1. :-P

2. :-D

3. :-x


2 Things you Want to do Before you Die:
1. Travel... See the world.

2. Marry the man of my dreams.


1 Confession:
1. I've wanted to open my mouth and expose the truth about so many people who have hurt me, to ruin their lives or to hurt them back for what they did to me... But something inside of me always stops me. And unfortunately, I wish I didn't have such strong morals or such a good conscience, because I'd still like to see those people suffer....

Tell him I'm in Tampa on the causeway,
watchin' the waves roll in.
-chris cagle-

Sports...

I may be called a "traitor" for not jumping the bandwagon here in Tampa, and to be quite honest, I don't mind much. I've lived in Tampa for over 14 years, and have attended MANY more Rays games than most of the so-called "die-hard fans" that have recently submersed during the 2008 post-series. I've always applauded the Rays, and I still do today! HOWEVER... I am from Boston. Therefore, I DID claim loyalty to the Sox during the ALCS playoff game, which got me called "traitorous", and even a "band-wagon" fan... Seriously!? Yes, the Rays did beat the Sox, and I'm proud to see them go this far. Really, I am! But all the "Sox suck" and "Yankee vs Sox days are OVER!" talk is just a liiiiiitle bit amusing. One World Series experience is definitely not enough to defeat that battle in history. Get it straight next time ya'll jump on the band-wagon yourselves!

So anyway, I've been rooting for the Phillies... I've always loved Philadelphia, and they've put on a pretty great performance during this season.

As if Jayson Werth & Chase Utley aren't representation enough for the smokin'-hot team, look at Cole Hamels. Honestly, Philly, can ya calm it down just a tad?!

Appreciation.

the little things that most take for granted. clean air and warm breezes. reflections in puddles, pools and windows. birds singing at 7 am. the colors in a sunrise. watching the sun setting in my rear-view mirror. my arm being nudged by my dog when he wants attention. the smell of logs burning. the smells of winter, spring, summer and fall. autumn in new england. leaves changing colors. running barefoot through the grass while the morning dew is still fresh. familiar smells and associations. the sound of ice crackling when it hits liquid. classical music. a cheap bottle of sparkling champagne. reminiscing about amazing times. black and white photography. sweatpants and pajamas during the day. letters from younger family. being an inspiration to another individual. teaching a child something for the first time. the way perfume/cologne lingers for awhile. waking up next to someone you can't get enough of. watching candles flicker as the flames dance. standing in a hot shower for an extra few minutes. southern charm. real gentlemen who aren't ashamed to treat a lady right. being able to take something great away from a terrible experience. finding courage in the face of adversity. words of wisdom.

gripping novels. words that paint vivid illustrations. sophisticated vulgarity. skepticism. inquisitional glances and theories. non-conformity. cool breezes. traveling back in time with just a simple melody. appreciation for the past. genuine smiles from strangers. true listeners who do LISTEN without turning a situation into their own. individuality. freedom of expression, speech, religion. dysfunctional families who hold their own. genuine chivalry, in the rare occurrence that i happen across it. the crack of the bat as it connects with a baseball. familiarity. listening to stories from older generations. confidence in the most dire moments of doubt. the sun on your face while the wind blows your hair back. the curiosity of little children and animals. how excited my dog gets every time we come home, or he gets a walk, or he gets rewarded. family time, no matter how annoying. loyalty.

And even if her plane crashes tonight,
she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea.
-brand new-

2007.

Is everyone just full of b.s. these days, or do people really just change drastically overnight?? and if that's the case, then why am I so easy to believe things will actually be wonderful and real, when experience has taught me to know that doesn't happen?? and if that's NOT the case, then when did I become so gullible???

I'm having the hardest time trying to understand how people who are supposed to make you feel like you are happy so much wind up treating you worse than they would treat someone they despise. I'm having an even harder time trying to figure out why the people who said that they would NEVER put someone through that are the people who disappeared shortly after. I'm not understanding or coming to terms with the fact that the people who have made me feel like life is actually beautiful, like I deserve to be treated amazing constantly, are the same people who aren't even in my life today. And I'm REALLY not understanding why I continue to make the same mistakes and bad judgment in character over and over and over... when I've already learned my lesson.

I need a glimmer of hope. I need to know that things aren't going to be like this for much longer. I need to know that I CAN be treated well. And I need to know it soon.

When people have a bad enough effect on me to leave me crying or in pain, I lose more and more respect for them, and over time, I shut them further and further out of my life, emotionally. Believe me... it's better to be shut out of my life physically than to be someone I grow to hate but pretend to care for.

_________________________________


I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around
-taylor swift-


She's an extraordinary girl,
In an ordinary world,
And she can't seem to get away
He lacks the courage in his mind,
Like a child left behind,
Like a pet left in the rain
She's all alone again,
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying,
She gets so sick of crying
She sees the mirror of herself,
An image she wants to sell,
To anyone willing to buy
He steals the image in her kiss,
From her heart's apocalypse,
From the one called whatsername
-green day-

current indulgences..

abuse is abuse is abuse... simple as that.

verbal abuse and emotional abuse share a key word, something quite terrible... abuse. it doesn't take a genius to recognize that, so why do we continue to allow ourselves to be bashed and degraded, when we know that we don't deserve to be victimized?? and, if we can recognize that we are being treated so poorly, why is it so hard to grasp control of the situation and just bail? are we really even victims if we keep ourselves in such a position? or, are we contributing to the abuse by NOT taking a stand, and by continuing to allow such hurtful treatment to be inflicted on ourselves??

if only it were as easy to think with our heads as it is with our hearts. maybe then we'd respect ourselves enough to run away--to go find the treatment we deserve, instead of simply wishing things would change. wishing is wasteful. so why do we waste so much of our time wishing instead of pursuing and following through on things?

life's little questions have obvious answers. i think that it's easier for some of us to continue taking abuse instead of being alone. pathetic.. i know. but so many of us are still guilty of it.

i'm a coward.