2007.

Is everyone just full of b.s. these days, or do people really just change drastically overnight?? and if that's the case, then why am I so easy to believe things will actually be wonderful and real, when experience has taught me to know that doesn't happen?? and if that's NOT the case, then when did I become so gullible???

I'm having the hardest time trying to understand how people who are supposed to make you feel like you are happy so much wind up treating you worse than they would treat someone they despise. I'm having an even harder time trying to figure out why the people who said that they would NEVER put someone through that are the people who disappeared shortly after. I'm not understanding or coming to terms with the fact that the people who have made me feel like life is actually beautiful, like I deserve to be treated amazing constantly, are the same people who aren't even in my life today. And I'm REALLY not understanding why I continue to make the same mistakes and bad judgment in character over and over and over... when I've already learned my lesson.

I need a glimmer of hope. I need to know that things aren't going to be like this for much longer. I need to know that I CAN be treated well. And I need to know it soon.

When people have a bad enough effect on me to leave me crying or in pain, I lose more and more respect for them, and over time, I shut them further and further out of my life, emotionally. Believe me... it's better to be shut out of my life physically than to be someone I grow to hate but pretend to care for.

_________________________________


I’m not a princess
This ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse
To come around
-taylor swift-


She's an extraordinary girl,
In an ordinary world,
And she can't seem to get away
He lacks the courage in his mind,
Like a child left behind,
Like a pet left in the rain
She's all alone again,
Wiping the tears from her eyes
Some days he feels like dying,
She gets so sick of crying
She sees the mirror of herself,
An image she wants to sell,
To anyone willing to buy
He steals the image in her kiss,
From her heart's apocalypse,
From the one called whatsername
-green day-

current indulgences..

abuse is abuse is abuse... simple as that.

verbal abuse and emotional abuse share a key word, something quite terrible... abuse. it doesn't take a genius to recognize that, so why do we continue to allow ourselves to be bashed and degraded, when we know that we don't deserve to be victimized?? and, if we can recognize that we are being treated so poorly, why is it so hard to grasp control of the situation and just bail? are we really even victims if we keep ourselves in such a position? or, are we contributing to the abuse by NOT taking a stand, and by continuing to allow such hurtful treatment to be inflicted on ourselves??

if only it were as easy to think with our heads as it is with our hearts. maybe then we'd respect ourselves enough to run away--to go find the treatment we deserve, instead of simply wishing things would change. wishing is wasteful. so why do we waste so much of our time wishing instead of pursuing and following through on things?

life's little questions have obvious answers. i think that it's easier for some of us to continue taking abuse instead of being alone. pathetic.. i know. but so many of us are still guilty of it.

i'm a coward.

Do you ever find yourself looking desperately for reasons to hate someone? If the answer is yes, does that make you a terrible person, or is it logical? Justifiable?

I'm trying to figure it out.

Instability.

jumbled thoughts. cluttered idea fragments.

personified chaos.

messy. disorganized. confusing.

welcome to the jungle.. inside of my head.

spinning 360 degrees. circles. merry-go-rounds and ferris-wheels. "dizzy up the girl".. or boy. full-rotations around an axis. planets circling a ball of fire and fury. same places again, different points in time. fall down. get back up again. slap on bandages and start from scratch. good as new... until the next spill. new beginnings begin just as quickly as they end.

swing-sets. push me higher. no, even higher. i want to touch the stars with my toes. stretchhh... just a little higher. you'll never take me high enough. push me anyway. seashore. she's not selling seashells today. grainy sand between my toes. waves carry living beings ashore to die, & drag others out to sea... to die or to live. it's a gamble.

untied bikini tops & seagulls chasing tourists. sunburn is almost certain. long naps. dream about what? no great dream gets recognition, but nightmares surely get re-told. life. climb on a bicycle. pedal fast; don't stop. keep riding until i can't travel any further. breeze in my hair and the sun on my back. liberating. keep riding. cross the street. back to the starting point. come full-circle... it's not where i wanted to be. ride away again. this time past the park, past the merry-go-round, past the swing-set. leave the fantasies and childhood fallacies in the past. grow beyond the cute names and stories, and start to take lies for face-value and nothing more. leave everything as it was and that is how it will forever be remembered. memories fleeting fast. don't chase after them.. only drink to them, and say goodbye.

chocolate milkshakes at one-am. restaurant riots and rough crowds. long nights away from home. don't use the pantry... she used him there. corrupted shelves hold silent witnesses to more delusions. keep quiet. caveman goes commercial-friendly. so hollywood. so glam. 3000 miles to a coffee shop one hour from three months of absolute confusion. headphones and napkins; write those lyrics down. three extra hours to celebrate a day that should've been shorter to begin with. sneak across parking lots. parking lots in december in 20-degree weather. hide-n-seek! crank calls and backseat giggles. shhh... i'm telling her lips a secret! never-ending. never-real. nose-biter. teeth-biter. coffee-table-friendly magazines and wine-country experiences. look, that's you. silly games. shhh.. more secrets... don't spill the beans. you wouldn't dare.. or would you? hey.. you're full of crap. saves the day says it best. BUT.. here's to hoping the water DOES fill your lungs. wishful morbid thinking. f*cking scum.

hypocrisy. preach and teach but never follow. i'm an expert. lyrics & memoirs & stupid trinkets. rid yourself. climb the mountain higher than before. let the snow carry you to the bottom. rolling and freezing. "vapid whiny blah!!" thanks, ludo. get lost inside your head. i'll lose myself in mine. maybe we can meet in the middle.. or on the outside, perhaps? find the nearest exit. there's something far too strange going on. "some sad singers, they just play tragic.." ultimate truth.

LOVE is one letter different than LIVE. allow a letter to change & risk one or the other. breathe. don't believe anything. wise up now, girl. save yourself. one-sided. make a decision & the tables turn. not all at once.. but close enough. yell into canyons & listen for echoes. waste not, want not. want. not. not. wanting. word play. word gay. NOT.

still riding farther away from here? good. don't ever stop. change is inevitable. change is also misconstrued. not a guarantee. sick migraines. burn... away. figuratively or literally. or both. "uhhhh..." exactly. mistakes? NOT. okay.. big time. i lied. fly away on a jetplane and head into the unknown. isn't that what we already do in life anyway? because if we knew, we probably would quit ahead of time. not probably.. definitely. run fast. don't ever look back. we're all just running from ourselves. our worst enemies. our best friends. our shadows. better yet, from you. everything about... tdg.

it's all relative. or is it at all? word play/gay. faith. the word echoing inside of my head on a daily basis. some days it has many meanings, and some days it sounds strange. we're all marked in different ways. we're all survivors and victims and criminals and rebels and remnants and pieces of a great big puzzle. break me away. jigsaw. crimson red. a series of color-changes. stop-lights and stop-signs. bold & determined. shifting gears & blame & stories. STOP!!!

road-trips to destinations never before seen. repeated playlists. songs from the past, future and the now. some make sense... some. clarity isn't familiar much 'round these parts anymore. jetplanes and airports. trains and stations. tracks to cities along coastlines and modern-day suburbia. sight-see and day-dream. nothing out of the ordinary.

tell your kids about me. of course... unforgettable, you said? hell yes... or so the story goes & goes & goes... until it's gone. long gone. out of sight & mind & heart. other side of the tunnel. true life, true love, true tragedies. truth & fiction co-exist. a suitable pair, though quite contradictory. you never would have imagined such an alarming duet.. but hand-in-hand, the two continue to compliment one another. compliment, or destroy. it depends on how you choose to look at it. regardless.. an unfortunate series of circumstances leads to astonishing discoveries.

she plays a bitter role in life. always present when her spot-light is jeopardized, but cast in shadows when the light is alone. sneaking out & sneaking around. no one else needs to know. don't breathe a word, don't tell a soul. a secret's only yours until it gets repeated. play it safe, or sell yourself out. you decide. whispered words & hushed tones. recipes for disaster. move slow or regret it. actions in the dark mimic flaws in the heart.

symbolism alludes to things that have much deeper meanings. letters, shapes, numbers, signs. 427. symbolism. no one else needs to understand.. that's the beauty of art, literature, passion. to each his (or her) own to interpret as they please. metaphorically speaking, as simple a1-2-3. alliterations and word games. characteristically flawed, i'm a mess of contradictions. mindsets change at an alarming rate, often daily. pep-talks to death-walks. bi-polar, or just human? all fingers point to the latter.

i live through the stories of other people & their experiences.
i piece together the thoughts & phrases that others simply cannot.
i dream of such things that could never be simply explained.
& everyday, i wake to the same old realizations.

chaos. instability.

I could make you feel like the [king] of the world but I won't
Cause you're full of imperfections.
-forever the sickest kids-

"So I'll build you a song, and I know you're gonna love it
'cause I'm putting in all the pieces that you said you wanted in it,
and I'm writing it here in my room in just my underwear and an orange t-shirt
'cause I know that you'd think that was hot."
-amber rubarth-

I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night.
-the used-


Time takes its toll on us
(this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
-circa survive-


A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?
-circa survive-


And all of the time you thought i was sad,
i was trying to remember your name.
-stars-

OLD part 2

(2006)

I don't know you at all anymore these days.
Honestly, it scares me to death.
You were the only thing I thought I actually DID know.

Now I'm alone again.

I started writing you letters... tons of them.
I ripped each of them up after the first few lines.

Word play can't fix the past or compete with reality.
I wish I could understand that.

On paper, I'm able to express myself clearly.
I can write about anything, and dress it up with fashionable words and catchy phrases..
It makes what I feel seem sophisticated and chic.
Better than it is, or than I'd like it to be.
A touch of flare, perhaps..
Extravagant word usage to play up the boring, idle thoughts of an eighteen-year old who thinks far too much for her own good.

Though, on sudden thought, I don't know why anyone would want to read through incessant ramblings from an opinionated mess of a hopeless romantic.. & then, actually enjoy what they read..

That would make them crazy, too, you know.

I used to write you letters filled with talks of the future..
of cheery lyrics and bold professions of love..
of silly girlfriend chatter, pointless, but nonetheless fun to read.

Now I write about tears and guilt and absolute misery.

Oh, how the times have changed...
This warped new take on things has taken the best of me.

The only way I ever felt that I could truly touch your heart so deeply was through my letters.
It's uplifting to pour out my feelings and desires onto an empty piece of paper, a blank canvas, and turn emotions into a dynamite masterpiece...
A letter, true, but a testimony even more so.
A confession.. Or many, at that.

OLD part 1

(2006)

I used to hate myself because I felt like a failure.

I felt ugly...
worthless...
incomplete...

Then I met you, and even though I still doubted many things, I learned how to love myself.

I felt beautiful...
special...
& so complete.

I took the best thing I ever had for granted...
and after all was said and done,
I felt the consequences.

I never thought I'd lose you.. Not ever.
Then I did... So I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

When I lost you, my world crumbled.

& ALL over again,
I felt ugly...
I felt worthless...
& God, I felt incomplete.

For the first time in my life, though,
I learned how to believe in myself.

It took you NOT believing to show me that I could.
Thank you for opening my eyes.