Do you ever find yourself looking desperately for reasons to hate someone? If the answer is yes, does that make you a terrible person, or is it logical? Justifiable?

I'm trying to figure it out.

Instability.

jumbled thoughts. cluttered idea fragments.

personified chaos.

messy. disorganized. confusing.

welcome to the jungle.. inside of my head.

spinning 360 degrees. circles. merry-go-rounds and ferris-wheels. "dizzy up the girl".. or boy. full-rotations around an axis. planets circling a ball of fire and fury. same places again, different points in time. fall down. get back up again. slap on bandages and start from scratch. good as new... until the next spill. new beginnings begin just as quickly as they end.

swing-sets. push me higher. no, even higher. i want to touch the stars with my toes. stretchhh... just a little higher. you'll never take me high enough. push me anyway. seashore. she's not selling seashells today. grainy sand between my toes. waves carry living beings ashore to die, & drag others out to sea... to die or to live. it's a gamble.

untied bikini tops & seagulls chasing tourists. sunburn is almost certain. long naps. dream about what? no great dream gets recognition, but nightmares surely get re-told. life. climb on a bicycle. pedal fast; don't stop. keep riding until i can't travel any further. breeze in my hair and the sun on my back. liberating. keep riding. cross the street. back to the starting point. come full-circle... it's not where i wanted to be. ride away again. this time past the park, past the merry-go-round, past the swing-set. leave the fantasies and childhood fallacies in the past. grow beyond the cute names and stories, and start to take lies for face-value and nothing more. leave everything as it was and that is how it will forever be remembered. memories fleeting fast. don't chase after them.. only drink to them, and say goodbye.

chocolate milkshakes at one-am. restaurant riots and rough crowds. long nights away from home. don't use the pantry... she used him there. corrupted shelves hold silent witnesses to more delusions. keep quiet. caveman goes commercial-friendly. so hollywood. so glam. 3000 miles to a coffee shop one hour from three months of absolute confusion. headphones and napkins; write those lyrics down. three extra hours to celebrate a day that should've been shorter to begin with. sneak across parking lots. parking lots in december in 20-degree weather. hide-n-seek! crank calls and backseat giggles. shhh... i'm telling her lips a secret! never-ending. never-real. nose-biter. teeth-biter. coffee-table-friendly magazines and wine-country experiences. look, that's you. silly games. shhh.. more secrets... don't spill the beans. you wouldn't dare.. or would you? hey.. you're full of crap. saves the day says it best. BUT.. here's to hoping the water DOES fill your lungs. wishful morbid thinking. f*cking scum.

hypocrisy. preach and teach but never follow. i'm an expert. lyrics & memoirs & stupid trinkets. rid yourself. climb the mountain higher than before. let the snow carry you to the bottom. rolling and freezing. "vapid whiny blah!!" thanks, ludo. get lost inside your head. i'll lose myself in mine. maybe we can meet in the middle.. or on the outside, perhaps? find the nearest exit. there's something far too strange going on. "some sad singers, they just play tragic.." ultimate truth.

LOVE is one letter different than LIVE. allow a letter to change & risk one or the other. breathe. don't believe anything. wise up now, girl. save yourself. one-sided. make a decision & the tables turn. not all at once.. but close enough. yell into canyons & listen for echoes. waste not, want not. want. not. not. wanting. word play. word gay. NOT.

still riding farther away from here? good. don't ever stop. change is inevitable. change is also misconstrued. not a guarantee. sick migraines. burn... away. figuratively or literally. or both. "uhhhh..." exactly. mistakes? NOT. okay.. big time. i lied. fly away on a jetplane and head into the unknown. isn't that what we already do in life anyway? because if we knew, we probably would quit ahead of time. not probably.. definitely. run fast. don't ever look back. we're all just running from ourselves. our worst enemies. our best friends. our shadows. better yet, from you. everything about... tdg.

it's all relative. or is it at all? word play/gay. faith. the word echoing inside of my head on a daily basis. some days it has many meanings, and some days it sounds strange. we're all marked in different ways. we're all survivors and victims and criminals and rebels and remnants and pieces of a great big puzzle. break me away. jigsaw. crimson red. a series of color-changes. stop-lights and stop-signs. bold & determined. shifting gears & blame & stories. STOP!!!

road-trips to destinations never before seen. repeated playlists. songs from the past, future and the now. some make sense... some. clarity isn't familiar much 'round these parts anymore. jetplanes and airports. trains and stations. tracks to cities along coastlines and modern-day suburbia. sight-see and day-dream. nothing out of the ordinary.

tell your kids about me. of course... unforgettable, you said? hell yes... or so the story goes & goes & goes... until it's gone. long gone. out of sight & mind & heart. other side of the tunnel. true life, true love, true tragedies. truth & fiction co-exist. a suitable pair, though quite contradictory. you never would have imagined such an alarming duet.. but hand-in-hand, the two continue to compliment one another. compliment, or destroy. it depends on how you choose to look at it. regardless.. an unfortunate series of circumstances leads to astonishing discoveries.

she plays a bitter role in life. always present when her spot-light is jeopardized, but cast in shadows when the light is alone. sneaking out & sneaking around. no one else needs to know. don't breathe a word, don't tell a soul. a secret's only yours until it gets repeated. play it safe, or sell yourself out. you decide. whispered words & hushed tones. recipes for disaster. move slow or regret it. actions in the dark mimic flaws in the heart.

symbolism alludes to things that have much deeper meanings. letters, shapes, numbers, signs. 427. symbolism. no one else needs to understand.. that's the beauty of art, literature, passion. to each his (or her) own to interpret as they please. metaphorically speaking, as simple a1-2-3. alliterations and word games. characteristically flawed, i'm a mess of contradictions. mindsets change at an alarming rate, often daily. pep-talks to death-walks. bi-polar, or just human? all fingers point to the latter.

i live through the stories of other people & their experiences.
i piece together the thoughts & phrases that others simply cannot.
i dream of such things that could never be simply explained.
& everyday, i wake to the same old realizations.

chaos. instability.

I could make you feel like the [king] of the world but I won't
Cause you're full of imperfections.
-forever the sickest kids-

"So I'll build you a song, and I know you're gonna love it
'cause I'm putting in all the pieces that you said you wanted in it,
and I'm writing it here in my room in just my underwear and an orange t-shirt
'cause I know that you'd think that was hot."
-amber rubarth-

I took advantage of myself and felt fine
but it was worth the night.
-the used-


Time takes its toll on us
(this changes everything).
I'd be a liar if I denied you at all.
-circa survive-


A stranger's just someone that you've forgotten.
How will we know if we've met before or done this dance,
Mystery man?
-circa survive-


And all of the time you thought i was sad,
i was trying to remember your name.
-stars-

OLD part 2

(2006)

I don't know you at all anymore these days.
Honestly, it scares me to death.
You were the only thing I thought I actually DID know.

Now I'm alone again.

I started writing you letters... tons of them.
I ripped each of them up after the first few lines.

Word play can't fix the past or compete with reality.
I wish I could understand that.

On paper, I'm able to express myself clearly.
I can write about anything, and dress it up with fashionable words and catchy phrases..
It makes what I feel seem sophisticated and chic.
Better than it is, or than I'd like it to be.
A touch of flare, perhaps..
Extravagant word usage to play up the boring, idle thoughts of an eighteen-year old who thinks far too much for her own good.

Though, on sudden thought, I don't know why anyone would want to read through incessant ramblings from an opinionated mess of a hopeless romantic.. & then, actually enjoy what they read..

That would make them crazy, too, you know.

I used to write you letters filled with talks of the future..
of cheery lyrics and bold professions of love..
of silly girlfriend chatter, pointless, but nonetheless fun to read.

Now I write about tears and guilt and absolute misery.

Oh, how the times have changed...
This warped new take on things has taken the best of me.

The only way I ever felt that I could truly touch your heart so deeply was through my letters.
It's uplifting to pour out my feelings and desires onto an empty piece of paper, a blank canvas, and turn emotions into a dynamite masterpiece...
A letter, true, but a testimony even more so.
A confession.. Or many, at that.

OLD part 1

(2006)

I used to hate myself because I felt like a failure.

I felt ugly...
worthless...
incomplete...

Then I met you, and even though I still doubted many things, I learned how to love myself.

I felt beautiful...
special...
& so complete.

I took the best thing I ever had for granted...
and after all was said and done,
I felt the consequences.

I never thought I'd lose you.. Not ever.
Then I did... So I guess I wasn't thinking too clearly.

When I lost you, my world crumbled.

& ALL over again,
I felt ugly...
I felt worthless...
& God, I felt incomplete.

For the first time in my life, though,
I learned how to believe in myself.

It took you NOT believing to show me that I could.
Thank you for opening my eyes.

People Never Change.

Sure, it's easy to say we can change..
Just as easy as the way we can change our appearances, our moods, our outfits, or our views on life.
It's not hard to act like a new person, or even to truly believe you have come a long way.

The truth is, when the going gets tough, our real character shows through.
Because when we are skating on thin ice, when our backs are up against walls, and when we feel tested and belittled,
those are the moments when we stop trying to be anything other than the people we always were.

No masks. No facades. No face-paint.
No pretty little exterior with the white-picket fences.

When the spotlight is burning directly in our faces, blinding our eyes,
we stop trying to change. We stop pretending we don't care.
Those are the moments in life when our true characters are defined and displayed.

Change... If you say it enough, (as with any word), it begins to feel foreign in your mouth. A funny word with little meaning. Totally contradicting the real definition.

Contradictions and "changes" go hand-in-hand.

Second chances are meant to reward changes, whether in action, relationships, or any other aspect of our lives.
Second chances are often given to hastily.

Honestly..

If you can't believe in change, then why even consider giving a second chance?

Stick that in your pipe & smoke it.

Strength.

But.. is that really the truth?
Sometimes, it seems that it is..
Though we are taught that we shouldn't hide the pain.

It's so confusing, right??

In all reality, the expression of strength relies mainly on the gravity or differing of every situation we encounter in our lives. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to keep things to ourselves; to try our best to put the situation behind us and leave it in the past where it belongs. On the other hand, there are times in our lives where bottling up emotions and trying to mask our pain becomes too much to handle, and we learn to open up about those experiences and use them as a learning guide to help guide us forward.

Don't let society or anyone else tell you what YOU need. The only person who could honestly know you well enough to determine the ways that you live your life is yourself. You. The person staring back from the reflection in the mirror that hangs in your bathroom. The only person who knows every little detail about your heart, soul, mind, past and present. Don't ever let anyone's advice deter you from that of your own heart.

Strength comes in many forms.
Strength comes to those who make the effort to find it.

Strength isn't by any means easy to have or to use. It takes determination, confidence and will-power. It takes the attitude of an optimist. It takes more than an "I need.." attitude; rather, it requires the whole "I believe and I CAN.." state of mind. Strength is nothing more than the will to succeed/live/dream/become, hidden between eight simple letters.

Take it how you want it.
Use it in a way that will better your life.

Never doubt the power of emotional strength.

Believe me..
It's every bit as promising and rewarding as you want it to be.
All it takes is YOU.

"Stay."

This song chokes me up every time I hear it..
It's beautiful. It's easy to relate to. It's wrong. But it's so true.