Not.

Not settling means that you love and respect yourself enough to only want the best. Nothing less. Not ever.




Give me positivity...

The thing is...

...out of everyone in my past, there is only one person who I can't pick up the phone and talk to.

I'm still friendly with everyone else, or on good enough terms to know that when I speak to them, they will respond to me.

There is only one person who I can't contact. And that person is the only person who I really want to, and who I've been wanting to. He's the person who no one else can ever compare to... And he probably would hate to hear that. Subconciously, I always compare them to him. I don't ever mean to. But the things other people don't do remind me of everything that he DID do.

I miss staying up all night, talking for 6 or 7 hours, not hanging up until I walked into class the next morning. I miss cute little texts and pictures and phone calls and IM's and emails.

I don't know why he came into my life, but I'm still so thankful... Even though it hurts to not have him there anymore... Because it reminds me that there ARE wonderful, loyal, charming guys out there.. Guys who are about more than getting drunk or high, who could care less about sleeping with different girls, because they have morals and know how to treat a lady. Guys who I seem to have such a hard time finding, because I let my guard down for jerks and liars.

I still have pictures saved to my old phone. Half of my saved text's are from last year, from his number. I can't bring myself to delete them. I don't know what happened, what went wrong.. But I can't forget. I'm stuck re-playing moments over and over in my head, and I can't stop.

I don't try to think of him. Really, I don't. But he was one of the most incredible people I've ever met. And it's hard to not think of him this month especially.. And every time I meet some scumbag, or let myself get hurt, or find myself settling for less than I deserve, he's instantly back on my mind. No one compares to him.. No one could. There has only been one person since him to come anywhere close... (You know who you are).

It's coming up on a year since he came into my life.. It's been nagging at me like crazy the past few days.

I would give anything to hear his voice again.

Usual types.

It's truly sad and pathetic that getting hit on or having a guy ACT interested, usually signals to me immediately that:

(a) He's an asshole.
(b) He just wants to get laid, and doesn't REALLY care about me.
(c) He's either with someone already, or emotionally hung up on someone else.
(d) He'll be truly interested for a couple of weeks, flirt a ton, and then bail with no explanation.
OR...
(e) He's drunk and does it to everyone.



Why the HELL can't someone go crazy over me WITHOUT meeting any of the above-mentioned?!?



Just once I'd like to be the girl that someone is afraid to lose.
Just once I'd like to be on someone's mind all day.
Just once I'd like to be the reason someone falls asleep smiling, and then wakes up checking the phone for messages right away.
Just once I'd like to be the girl someone CAN'T lose interest in.
Just once I'd like to be the girl he WON'T cheat on, no matter what.
Just once I'd like to be the girl who isn't afraid of promises made, because they'll actually come true.
Just once I'd like to fall in love and not have it hurt like hell in the end.
Just once I'd like to know what trust is.
Just once.
Just so I could know what it all feels like.
Just so I don't always have to wonder.



Please..

I'm sick of the usual.

You read this...

"I've never lit a match with intent to start a fire,
but recently the flames are getting out of control..."
-All Time Low-


I'm SO tired of:
being single
caring about being single
being mopey
letting things upset me
over-analyzing
not getting answers
meeting unavailable (physically or emotionally) guys.
memories of ((him))
wondering why things happen[ed]
people who flirt for no reason, and then quit.
ex-girlfriends.
having a big heart
getting easily annoyed
getting attached
getting walked all over.
procrastinating
always being left for someone better
always being the underdog
not being appreciated
& most of all, being sick.

I hate being sick.
Hate.
Strong word.


someone fix me..
i've been doing it a year and a half now.

((i'm so tired of fixing myself))

Pick Me. Choose Me. Love Me.

Love?

"I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives.

It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night.

And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert.

Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual."

-The Holiday-


& then there are those of us who constantly watch other people find love, abuse love, mistreat love, take advantage of and then throw away love like last week's garbage, without a second thought... While we watch in agony, because what we wouldn't GIVE to even HAVE that love in the first place..

They say that love makes people do stupid things... But isn't it a tad bit contradictory when those 'stupid things' jeopardize said love in the long run?!

If you are blessed enough, fortunate enough, to stumble upon something that many others may never even find in their lifetime, TREASURE it. Hold onto it. Appreciate it. And for God's sake, don't EVER risk it for anything. Because somewhere out there, someone else is more deserving, and if you are willing to lay something that incredible on the line (for one sole night of pleasure, for one lie, for a second of hesitation), then that someone else is every bit deserving to take it from you.

If you love something... Never, ever risk losing it.

"This Is Your Message."

"I'd hold the sun up just to wake beside you
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me
Forget the incidents, thoughtless and abusing
Imagine what you could see, if you just let yourself like me

Cause I do
I was foolish to have thought I could catch you
Stupid to have ever liked you
And you're sly little smile
Curved the comforts I used to find
Drag me inside
I'm yours to use tonight."



But... Who are you?

I'm tired of looking,
and more tired of happening upon fakes.

Find me something real...
Or better yet,
just find me.

I'm here.
I'm waiting.
I'm often over-looked,
and great at pretending I'm better off.
I'm usually "better as a friend",
no one looks further than that.

I want the unattainable.

Loyalty.
Friendship.
Passion.
Connection.
Meaning.
Understanding.
Romance.
Fun.
Spontaneity.
Happiness.
Faithfulness.
REAL.

Does anything like that exist anymore,
or is this dreamer hopeless??

Breathe.

"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me"

Classical Concert... Attended.
Research paper... Done.
Tax Return... Cashed.
Financial Aid Refund... Returned.
Company... Gone.
Rent Check... Written.
Cell & Credit Bills... Paid.
Training @ Work... OVER.

Thank GOD the week is over... Figuratively speaking, of course.
What a great feeling it is to look back at everything I stressed about this week and know that I can breathe again... At least, til next week.

But whatever.

I find it silly how, at 4:15 am, I'm absolutely positive about life, in the mind-set that everything happens for a reason...
Yet during the day, all I did was feel sorry for myself for losing people from my life, or for making stupid mistakes that I typically would NEVER make.
That's ridiculous.

Tonight I spoke with a man who told me that I'm beautiful because I have "such an amazing personality", and because I have a good head on my shoulders... That any guy who I date is damn lucky, and that they'd better know that... I just smiled and thanked the man profusely, but inside, I was secretly wishing that the people I DO end up dating /liking could feel the same way that man felt.. Could view me the way that he did. It kind of reminded me more and more that I'm alone, and how I've always wished for that... Oh well.

Realistically speaking, it's better than I'm alone anyway... I have a bad habit of falling for guys who could care less about me, or who hit the road soon after my feelings start developing... Or the guys who leave me for their ex girlfriend.. That was the reoccurring theme of 2007 for me. Aren't there any incredible, AVAILABLE guys out there??!?

I need to stop getting hung-up on things that are way out of my grasp.. lost friendships, old relationships, mistakes i've made, guys I can't ever have... And just not care. Not caring is so hard, though, when I'm used to wearing my heart on my sleeve. I care far too much for my own good.

Tomorrow is my off day.. No school, no work, no stupid anything... (knock on wood)... The Aiden guys are in town, so I'll most likely head to St Pete with Kourt. Either way, I'm determined to have fun. I deserve it.. I exhausted myself this past week between school, work, stress and being mopey over certain situations the past couple of months.. I need to stop!!

Live. Love. Dream.

Tip.

"Overrated boys and attention starved girls,
A little curious, a little insecure..
They call it love, it might be premature
But they don't need excuses

To feel used or feel lust
To feel wanted for once
To know there's somebody else
Whose dying to feel anything
Ready and willing"

Never give a knife to someone who has been drinking and expect them to NOT get hurt.



I'm just sayin.

Drowning.

"I just wanna be here now..."

I shouldn't be thinking about you..
but I'm 4 beers in and 3 shots deep,
and I can't help but drown in memories...
Memories, and the gripping reality that
I'll never know what happened between us.
I'll never know if anything was real.
& I'm sick of not having closure.
I'm sick of wondering what I was.
It kills me that, a year later, I'm still wondering why...

Why?

Such a vague, open question..
You have to be prepared for the answer.. Very prepared.
I'm sick of preparing for a letdown.
All the freaking time.

Where do I go from here?

The record needle has been stuck on this for far too long,
and I'm getting sick of listening to the same damn song.
So tired.. So sick.. So ready to not ever hear it again.

I don't ever want to feel like this again..
Someone.
Please.
Make it stop.

Is this what drowning feels like?


I don't deserve to feel bitter.
I don't at all.
I always let myself get to this point.
& it's always as much my fault as theirs...
But I'm always bitter.
I'm a hypocrit.

I just want someone to prove me wrong.
Prove that I'm not so shitty.
Please.