Breathe.

"Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small
and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me"

Classical Concert... Attended.
Research paper... Done.
Tax Return... Cashed.
Financial Aid Refund... Returned.
Company... Gone.
Rent Check... Written.
Cell & Credit Bills... Paid.
Training @ Work... OVER.

Thank GOD the week is over... Figuratively speaking, of course.
What a great feeling it is to look back at everything I stressed about this week and know that I can breathe again... At least, til next week.

But whatever.

I find it silly how, at 4:15 am, I'm absolutely positive about life, in the mind-set that everything happens for a reason...
Yet during the day, all I did was feel sorry for myself for losing people from my life, or for making stupid mistakes that I typically would NEVER make.
That's ridiculous.

Tonight I spoke with a man who told me that I'm beautiful because I have "such an amazing personality", and because I have a good head on my shoulders... That any guy who I date is damn lucky, and that they'd better know that... I just smiled and thanked the man profusely, but inside, I was secretly wishing that the people I DO end up dating /liking could feel the same way that man felt.. Could view me the way that he did. It kind of reminded me more and more that I'm alone, and how I've always wished for that... Oh well.

Realistically speaking, it's better than I'm alone anyway... I have a bad habit of falling for guys who could care less about me, or who hit the road soon after my feelings start developing... Or the guys who leave me for their ex girlfriend.. That was the reoccurring theme of 2007 for me. Aren't there any incredible, AVAILABLE guys out there??!?

I need to stop getting hung-up on things that are way out of my grasp.. lost friendships, old relationships, mistakes i've made, guys I can't ever have... And just not care. Not caring is so hard, though, when I'm used to wearing my heart on my sleeve. I care far too much for my own good.

Tomorrow is my off day.. No school, no work, no stupid anything... (knock on wood)... The Aiden guys are in town, so I'll most likely head to St Pete with Kourt. Either way, I'm determined to have fun. I deserve it.. I exhausted myself this past week between school, work, stress and being mopey over certain situations the past couple of months.. I need to stop!!

Live. Love. Dream.

Tip.

"Overrated boys and attention starved girls,
A little curious, a little insecure..
They call it love, it might be premature
But they don't need excuses

To feel used or feel lust
To feel wanted for once
To know there's somebody else
Whose dying to feel anything
Ready and willing"

Never give a knife to someone who has been drinking and expect them to NOT get hurt.



I'm just sayin.

Drowning.

"I just wanna be here now..."

I shouldn't be thinking about you..
but I'm 4 beers in and 3 shots deep,
and I can't help but drown in memories...
Memories, and the gripping reality that
I'll never know what happened between us.
I'll never know if anything was real.
& I'm sick of not having closure.
I'm sick of wondering what I was.
It kills me that, a year later, I'm still wondering why...

Why?

Such a vague, open question..
You have to be prepared for the answer.. Very prepared.
I'm sick of preparing for a letdown.
All the freaking time.

Where do I go from here?

The record needle has been stuck on this for far too long,
and I'm getting sick of listening to the same damn song.
So tired.. So sick.. So ready to not ever hear it again.

I don't ever want to feel like this again..
Someone.
Please.
Make it stop.

Is this what drowning feels like?


I don't deserve to feel bitter.
I don't at all.
I always let myself get to this point.
& it's always as much my fault as theirs...
But I'm always bitter.
I'm a hypocrit.

I just want someone to prove me wrong.
Prove that I'm not so shitty.
Please.

Straight-up.

"I guess it's safe to say that
sincerity has become a lost art these days."


Hmmm.
What else can I even say?
...........

"pass me another bottle honey, the Jager's so sweet
but if it keeps you around, then I’m down."

Rainstorms.

Driving through the thick, heavy downpour, watching other cars swerve in and out of lanes trying to avoid an almost-inevitable collision, i turned up the stereo to drown out the rain, and all I could think about was where I'd rather be at that exact moment... Who I'd rather be with... How easy it was to replace my current situation with one I'd concocted in my imagination... & how depressing it was to be sitting in traffic on the Causeway, trapped in one of the worst rainstorms I've been over water for, and knowing my thoughts would only remain in my head...

Day-dreaming sucks when you know that reality is the farthest thing from what you want, but it's absolutely inescapable.

It's days like this that make me wish I could lie in bed all day , snuggled up next to someone I undoubtedly can't get enough of, wrapped in layers & layers of blankets, with the only noises being the rain pouring down outside the open window, and the faint beating of each other's hearts pounding as we lie entangled in one another... No work, no school, no hectic agenda... Nowhere to be... Except for there with each other. A lazy day. A rainy day. Perfection.

Not this day.

Damn.

Juvenile.

Still not fully up to par...

I'm worried it's a virus or something lame like that.

Regardless...

I feel much better in spirit.
No more dealing with things that are silly & trite,
things that aren't worth wasting time on,
or things i'll stress and lose sleep over.

I already lose enough sleep as it stands.
(I don't need any unwelcome contributions)

That said, I dropped a class I was stressing over..
That eliminated a bunch of unnecessary worrying.

& don't get me wrong, I love people.. (Really, I do)
I just hate juvenile, petty bullshit and drama.
If you have a problem or something,
tell me.

Games are stupid,
"He said..", "She said..." is immature.
And being sketchy? That's just weird in itself.


I'll stop caring again.. It was easy before,
and I've been (almost) stress-free for a good year now, NOT caring about things..

Can I just say that not caring helps?
I'm laid-back and I don't buy into bullshit.
It's probably the best way to be in life.

Eliminating unwanted stress... NOW.
Cutting the wild-goose chases out... NOW.
Cue to exit your scene... NOW.

I'm going back to NOT caring.

<3

Apologies.

Let's be all sorts of honest right now,
and throw things out on the table.

Let's vent.
Get things off our chests.
Be up front and truthful.

I'm willing to... Why aren't you???

Whatever.


Here goes nothing:


Lately I've been a 24/7, over-analytical, pissy bitch..
If you haven't noticed it, consider yourself few and far between,
and most DEFINITELY a lucky one.

Everyone and everything has (most likely) annoyed the hell out of me,
and I'm sure that a good half of the people I've taken it out on didn't deserve it in the least.

With that said, the other half definitely DID deserve every bit of it,
and people who continue to make me stress out on a regular basis don't deserve my time of day.
Stop wasting my time..
I'm not wasting any more energy or thought on people like that.

Although, HONESTLY, in all reality, I'm kind of glad I've been so irritable (well, in a way),
because I don't hold back from saying what I'm really feeling when I 'm this grumpy.
Which, by the way, is never.. (if you know me, you know that.)

But, for the other people who've had to endure my attitude...

My deepest apologies.

I haven't been this moody and stressed out in over a year and a half...
and the closest I've been has only lasted maybe a day or two.
Nothing over a week, and nothing this easily reflected on the people around me.
Never am I grumpy and lonely to THIS extent,
or bitter and stubborn toward people who end up playing games with me.

Truth's out.
I don't feel better, but it's okay.


That being said,

I don't know what's wrong with me these days.

Truth.

I once saw a quote that read something along the lines of this:

"I am an optimist.. But I'm an optimist that always carries a raincoat."


Though I find myself relating so many different quotes to my life, I find that to be one of the most applicable and defining. It took over 18 years of trials, mistakes, messing up, repeating old mistakes, and going down the wrong path for me to open my eyes and realize what I was doing wrong.. I wasn't living. I was alive, and I was breathing, but in a sense, I was closer to being dead than anything else. I took life and everything it encompasses for granted. After several hard truths and tragedies finally opened my eyes to what I had been over-looking for so long, I woke up. I realized that one can't live on negativity.. It takes strength and the attitude of an optimist to move forward in life. So, with the little positivity I could muster, I began living all over again. Really living. The kind of living that most people never get to experience. I took chances. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I started living "balls out", because after all.. We only get the chance to say how we feel and to live our lives right ONCE. There is no going back. There are no "what if?"'s, there are no second chances once the moments have passed us by... So why not be a little rebellious? Why not take chances, or say what we feel? & better yet, why not try to find good in ever situation, and look at things optimistically? I became a spokesperson for positivity and optimism.

But... Despite it all... I remain cautious. I have walls. I stay guarded. I may cry over guys now and then, but it doesn't last more than a couple of hours. I feel like I will always be alone, and, while it sucks, I don't let myself get miserable. I'm a damn good person, and I'm well aware of it. But I always keep my "raincoat" with me, no matter how great the future looks. And most of the time, that raincoat comes in pretty handy.

I wrote this to someone recently while talking about life and such... & I'm glad it was saved, because I really didn't think about what I was writing until it was re-written by them:

"You must fight for what you love, dismiss what doesn't love you enough, say what you feel, and do what you dream of. There is no going back, no what if's and saying things is always better than just wondering what could have been."


So... I'm an optimist. An eternal optimist. A hopeless romantic. A far-fetched dreamer. The often-overlooked friend. An impossible-to-love, with-everything-to-offer, waiting-for-someone-to-actually-notice-her, bundle of nerves and ideas. I'm over-analytical, but practical. I'm a realist, but I never stop holding out hope. I'm a firm believer in fairy-tales and happy endings, but I've yet to experience anything remotely close. Yet through it all, I remain an optimist. I remain strong and hopeful, where the girl I used to be would have long-since given up. I keep my fingers crossed.. But I never cease to be a realist through it all, either.

People don't get the best of me. Especially when no one has given "the best of me" a chance yet.

I'm the girl who gets told, "You deserve better; you're beautiful and smart and funny, and someone else deserves you," by the guys who I end up falling for... Irony? Maybe. Stupidity? Absolutely.. But it's the truth. I know I'll find someone eventually who would never stop fighting for me... But I'm getting so tired of not having that person now.

Optimistic? Yes... But a bottle of wine later and the continuous love songs playing through my headphones 4 days before Valentines Day (along with the impending realization that yet ANOTHER V-day will be spent single and alone) is doing a heck of a number on my good spirit tonight.

G-rents.

Nothing beats recieving a care-package from the grandparents at the end of a crappy week.. Stocked with cookies, twizzlers and a check for half my rent, all for no reason. THAT is why I stay positive when things suck!!!

On the Contrair...

...Maybe those "rare, incredible people" aren't so great themselves after-all...

Maybe they wind up with the undeserving people because of that,
and because they really aren't good enough for us.

Hmmm.



Won't somebody just prove me wrong??

Make me a believer again.

Undeserving.

"Someone else gets to tell you that you're beautiful.."

I find it distasteful and ironic that the most undeserving people tend to wind up with those rare, incredible people who we'd give anything to be with...

The people who warm our hearts, make us nervous and giddy, give us butterflies when they look our way; the people who we've searched for all of our lives, and when we finally meet them, we don't want to search for anyone else... Those people who are genuine, caring, romantic and real.

The only catch? They fall for the opposite type, whether it be an issue of familiarity or attraction, or maybe because they are so damn good-hearted that they try to see past the fake cover... all the while leaving the people like us broken and hurting, and wishing we were good enough (or maybe fake enough) to have them fall that hard for us...

The REAL deal. The deserving few. The ones who would give up anything just to make the other person smile, or to be supportive 24/7... The ones who would rush over in a heartbeat to make the other person soup when they get sick, or who would pick up and fly half-way around the world to surprise them when things have been rough. The "nice" people, who would never lie or cheat, who would always be a great friend...

Those are the people who get left behind and trampled on, all for someone fake and self-centered, who only comes back when it will benefit them... They don't care for the incredible people the way we do.. But they get to be the ones holding their hands and looking into their eyes, and lying in their arms at night, regardless... Even though people like us would absolutely kill to be them.

Irony's a cold-hearted bitch.

Faking.

Positivity is the hardest thing in the world to have. Strength and courage are close behind, but positivity definitely takes the combination of both, and is SO much harder to fake...

Telling yourself that you're happy when you aren't; Smiling through tears and saying things will be alright; wrapping your arms around yourself at night just to "know" what being held feels like, but pretending that being alone is much better; Cheering up a friend for the exact something that is ripping you apart inside; Lying awake in bed, unable to sleep, haunted by thoughts and still convincing yourself that better things will come; Having the ability to keep emotions bottled inside, but when something is hurting, being unable to cry, and THAT hurting ten times MORE than it would if you were able to cry; Watching different people come in and out of your life, same situations, and always a goodbye... But trying to believe that maybe someday, someone will actually stay...

...all are forms of "positivity".

Having the strength to take a look at your past and realize that everything happens for a reason, and reaching out to others with the same hope and inspirational thoughts is greatly respected and applauded.. But what happens next? Do you continue living life with this mind-set that people can always hurt you, but you'll move on eventually and learn from it? When does it become okay for you to NOT want to move on, and NOT want to learn from it anymore?? When does it become realistic for love to actually happen to you, and for people to NOT hurt you anymore??? Is that point ever reached? Or, after you've become the spokesperson for positivity, are you supposed to live that way forever?

When is it alright to stop being the person who everyone thinks is happy all the time, without being afraid that people will see that you aren't happy, and get satisfaction out of knowing they brought you down? When is it alright to not WANT to cry, and to actually have the ability TO cry when needed, instead of trying and not being able to? When is it alright for there to BE no thoughts about being positive or negative, and to stop making things so complicated, for fear of getting hurt worse???

Not saying that negativity is the right path, but at this moment in time... It seems like a hell of a lot more fun than faking smiles and hiding feelings.

Quotes.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go. Things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
-Marilyn Monroe-

"I’ve kissed a guy... I’ve kissed guys. I just haven’t felt that thing.... That thing... that moment when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy, and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. And you wanna laugh and you wanna cry, ‘cause you feel so lucky that you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time."
-Never Been Kissed-

"My darling girl, when are you going to understand that being normal is not necessarily a virtue? It rather denotes a lack of courage."
-Practical Magic-

"You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Peter Pan. That's where I'll be
waiting."
-Peter Pan-

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more; that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."
-The Notebok-

"These opportunities that keep presenting themselves, they're presenting themselves to you, not to me. Not to anybody else. And all you have to do is just seize them. Stop wasting your time wishing that you were somebody else. And just grab hold of what have coming to you. Because you never know when it's gonna come your way again."
-Dawson's Creek-

"someone out there is meant to be the love of your life, your best friend, your soulmate, the one you can tell your dreams to. he'll smile at you when you tell him, but he'll never laugh at your heart. he'll brush the hair out of your eyes and send you flowers when you least expect it. he'll call you to tell you goodnight before you get into bed or just because he is thinking about you. he'll be bursting to talk to you each morning just to hear the sound of your voice. he'll look into your eyes and tell you that you are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen and for the first time in your life ... you'll believe it."
-Dawson's Creek-

"I used to live in the basement. Most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work. I dont give a crap what other people think about me. Because I am a happily, independent, sucessfull woman and I like it that way... only when you say stuff like this, it just.. it makes things too hard. So please, don't chase me anymore... unless you're ready to catch me."
-Grey's Anatomy-

"You do your thing, I'll do mine. You go your way, I'll go mine. And if we end up together, it's beautiful."
-Boy Meets World-