Desire.

de·sire

 verb \di-ˈzī(-ə)r, dē-\

: to want or wish for (something) : to feel desire for (something)

transitive verb

1

:  to long or hope for :  exhibit or feel desire for <desiresuccess>

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Dusting Off My Keyboard...

Hello, Blog World... It's been too long.

I don't have a single excuse as to why I've been so distant.... Though, even if I DID have an excuse, I wouldn't be happy with it. I've gone through a lot that SHOULD have been written about (in some form or another), and not getting it off of my chest has only pushed my thoughts further into my head.

Writing has always been one of my biggest passions. It liberates my mind, all while enabling me to express myself on the deepest of levels. My entire life, I've kept blogs and journals and random scraps of paper that I've scribbled lyrics, quotes, or my own thoughts on. I've used writing as an outlet, an escape, and a form of therapy, in some cases. To me, writing is such a valuable tool in life. I write to remember, to explain, to document, and to understand. Writing captures memories and feelings in the purest form.

That being said, I've seriously slacked at writing much of ANYTHING these past few years. I don't know if it's because I've not been inspired the way I used to be, or if I've just lost my motivation entirely. Whatever the reason, it is completely and utterly inexcusable, and I won't stand for excuses any longer. Get it together, self!

I WILL be back on here to blog. I WILL (eventually) create another blog, once I figure out the direction I'm headed in. I WILL get my groove back, and I WON'T let my creativity be stifled any longer.

Until next time... And there WILL be a next time ;)

One year ago today, our hearts were broken as our family suffered a tremendous loss. We said "goodbye" Grandma Warner on August 6th, 2012. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her and miss her dearly. I love you so much, Gram! 

I'll Be Seeing You.

“Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions.”
― Albert Einstein

Hello again, dear friend.  I hope that the years have been kind to you, and I pray that time has blessed you with an abundance of love, experience, and adventure.  It certainly has been good to me.

You may be curious about my whereabouts as of late, and frankly, I don't blame you. I often ask myself why I've allowed you to become a thing of the past. To be honest, I haven't the slightest clue, and any excuse I may have come up with in my younger years would now just be an outright lie by definition. You don't deserve excuses or lies, so I won't waste your time with them.

I've missed you immensely, and I'm finally discovering the truth in the saying that "absence makes the heart grow fonder."  Surely, I took you for granted when you were around, and I neglected the bond that had blossomed between us. I let life get in the way of what we had and I'm loathing myself for being so foolish.

I've grown up since you saw me last.  Physically, I'm practically identical (aside from the way I wear my  hair and a noticeably different figure).  Emotionally, however, I am a new woman.  In many ways, I'm thankful for the time we had apart, as it allowed me to gain wisdom, insight, and a new perspective on life.

 With that said, I find myself missing you in every moment of every day.  I used to live, breathe and represent you.  You inspired me constantly.  You made me strive to be a better person, and you never put a limit on my dreams.

I know that I disappeared on you, and I understand that I may never get back what I gave up on so long ago.  But I want you to know that I'm committed to this now.   I'm in this wholeheartedly.  I'm passionate about everything we had and stood for together, and I want that back.  I'm ready to give our relationship another chance, if you'll have me.

The choice is yours, Imagination.  When you're ready to come back, I'll be here waiting.

Until then...

-carissarose.

"I Miss My Friend"

"They say memories are golden; Well, maybe that is true.

I never wanted memories, I only wanted you.

A million tears fallen, from all the times I cried --

If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly, in death I love you still,

In my heart you hold a place no one else could fill."

* 10/03/08 - 9/18/11 *

Almost two months ago, I went through the painful agony of having to put my beloved Graceon "Monkey" down... I'll never understand the full extent of what he went through those last few days, nor will I have the answers or diagnosis that I was looking for in the first place. I still feel so cheated, so robbed... Like no one did enough to help him, to save him... To prevent that terrible outcome. He was truly like a child to me. He was my baby. It's been just over 7 weeks, and I still cry almost daily when I think of his furry little face, when I'm relaxing instead of cleaning up his messes or dealing the aftermath of his silly, crazy antics. The absence he left in my apartment, my heart and my life has left such an empty, deep void that will NEVER be filled. I've been told that grief & mourning are more than okay, but I honestly feel as if it were my human child. That dog was MUCH more than a dog... He had the biggest personality, and was constantly making me laugh (or angry!)... He relied on me for EVERYTHING, much like a real baby. He couldn't ever be on his own... He was such a needy little boy. Funny thing is, I never realized just how much I relied on HIM until he wasn't here anymore.

The next few paragraphs are from the note I wrote that day (9/18/11). I miss you SO much, little Monk-a-Moo. I'll ALWAYS love you, and you'll always be my little man. I'm so glad you aren't suffering these days, but I'm afraid that I always will be. I just can't let you go. XoXo <3

My heart is aching in the most painful, empty way right now... And I know there's nothing I can do to fix it. All I want to do is wake up to see him in front of me wagging his stubby tail as if to say, "Don't worry, Mom, it was all just a dream!", while chewing up a sock or running around the house like a psycho or begging for "treats!"... He's usually waking up with me... Snuggled against my stomach, or behind my legs... Cuddling up with me in moments like this, when it feels like my world has come violently crashing down... Letting me know (in his silent way) that I WILL, in fact, be okay... That I'm not alone... That he loves me no matter what...

I can't be okay without him. I can't be reassured. There is nothing reassuring in the loss of such a loyal companion. There is nothing that compares to the unbridled, unbiased love of a dog.

He won't be lying on the bath rug waiting for me after my showers anymore... He hated being splashed with water, but HAD to wait there for me every single time, regardless... & he was ALWAYS splashed, because it was so funny to pick on him... I secretly think he liked it, because he was ALWAYS there anyway. It's Sunday, the day he usually gets spoiled with his own steak @ the Bradley house... And he KNEW every time we pulled up in front of that house A)Where we were and B) What that meant, as he'd whimper and wag the whole way from 4th St to their driveway, then, when the car doors open, race like a madman (ears back, tongue flopping around) to the front door... And if we were just going out instead, I'd be "Puppy-Proofing" right now... Which usually entailed 1)rubber-banding the cabinets (he opened them), 2)putting heavy objects in front of the treat closet & pantry (he somehow turned door knobs), 3) clearing ANYTHING edible off the counters, top of the fridge, etc..., 4) removing all food from the left-hand corner of the freezer door (he knew how to open the freezer, and DID on several accounts, and 5) moving ANYTHING breakable (or SLIGHTLY edible) high and away, usually INSIDE of cabinets, because that maniac always found a way to get to them.... It never ceased to amaze me how smart that boy was... He knew how to get into (or out of) ANYTHING... But I'd rather go through all of that every time I left--my ritual--becuase that was "normal" to me... That was what I was used to doing. And coming home?? That's the worst. I threw open the door earlier, praying I'd hear him jump off the bed (or couch) at the sound of my arrival like usual, racing toward me @ the front door, then turning back last moment to find a "present" for me... If it wasn't a sock, it was a flip-flop, an envelope, a receipt... Whatever he could find at that exact second. He always looked so goofy, but he was SOOOO happy to see his Mommy. All throughout his final day, I kept throwing out the words "Treat!?", "Potty?!" and "Hungry?! -- his 3 FAVORITE words.. EVER.. to see if he'd respond/react, so I'd know if he was coming back to me... When he didn't so much as look my way or move his ears, I knew he was in a bad way. Usually, we could whisper them sometimes, just to test him, & see if he could hear them... He always did. You couldn't whisper them quietly enough, because he'd ALWAYS hear them. Every time you said ANY of those, you'd get a VERY sharp head tilt, cocking it to the side, tipping it further and further, until his cheek was parallel with the ground... Then jerking his head to the opposite side, as if it would help him better understand... We LOVED the head-tilts... They were adorable. Driving around in the car, Graceon ALWAYS rode on top of the center console... "Surfer dog" style, if you will. We joked that he "drove" us everywhere, sitting in his "captain's chair", because he LOVED sitting/standing there. It was HIS seat. Now it's empty. The car's windows are COVERED with slobber & nose marks... I can't imagine them not being there. He loved pressing his nose right against the windows, to get a better view, I'm guessing. He had the most UNIQUE personality of any dog I've EVER met... Most joked that it was because he "wasn't a dog", as he acted "more like a real child"... We always said he seriously thought he was human, and I will always stand by that.

http://rainbowsbridge.com/residents/Bandi055/Resident.htm >> this person summed up EVERYTHING I feel, miss and want to say... Fur on clothes, nose marks on windows, etc. I don't want to lose any of that :(

I've never felt this kind of pain (to this magnitude) before. I've been through rough patches in my life -- personal problems, family problems, bad breakups, stressful moves, lousy (or no) jobs, wrecking my car -- but all of those pale immensely compared to this pain. This is real, deep, permanent... This will never be right by me. I keep longing to get a phone call from the ER Vet saying "Graceon's doing better -- you can come take him home now", but I know that will never happen again. No more calling in medicine each month/bi-monthly @ his vet... No more packs of cheese on my grocery list for his meds... No more goofy "Circus Dog" balancing acts @ treat time... No more downtime with him cuddling next to me, or on the back of the couch like a cat... His favorite spot to relax in the house... No more back-&-forth tossing the ball... He'd get you roped in and NEVER let you stop after that... He'd throw the ball at you with his mouth, nose it several times in your direction, scoot back with his tongue out and a SUPER goofy look on his face, perch on his butt and wait... He LOVED playing ball. No more "Bad Dog Baths", after he makes a mess of the house or does something naughty... We thought the name was hilarious and fitting... No more being Mommy's shadow -- if I left the room for even a second, he was right on my heels, without fail, every single time... No more "howling" games -- we thought it was SO funny to howl and get him all worked up, because he'd whimper, wag his little stub-tail nervously & excitedly, watch your face, and then throw his head back to try & imitate you... We called it his "singing"... and after he got all worked up & did it a few times, we'd praise him and he'd lick our faces frantically, then run around like crazy -- "all jacked up!" -- and go find something to play with... No more torn up pieces of socks around the house, or him play-fighting with Chris, being "fish-dog", or serious tug-of-war games... Graceon was KING of Tug... Such an amazingly strong little guy... Little "Roid-Rager", he was.

Ahhhh... "Was"... Past-tense... WHY???

I know I did the right thing, that he isn't suffering anymore, or in pain while he constantly seized... No more seizures, no more running into things & hurting himself... and I'm so glad that tiny body doesn't have to endure those anymore... But... My heart is literally broken... I miss the Monkey SOOO much. Why him???? Why so young??? He was supposed to live a long, healthy life... He was supposed to make it on the Phenobarbital and be able to live a "normal" life... He's supposed to be here with me right now... It's not fair. It's not fair at all.

He has been with me through SO much... He's listened to me when I had no one else, kissed me when I was crying, made me smile when I was happy, and, through everything, he never judged me, never scolded me, never abandoned me and always loved me unconditionally, with all of his tiny heart.... He never failed to show me that.

In his final moments, I wanted to do right by him... To let him know that I loved HIM in the way he always loved me... That, as his Mommy, I would take care of him and make the pain disappear... I couldn't prepare myself properly -- How do you prepare yourself for that?? -- but I kept kissing his head, scritching his ears, and telling him I loved him... When the Doctor came in @ 3:30am this morning to administer the medicine, I held him in my arms, rocking him back & forth like a baby, and he opened his big, brown eyes at that exact moment, and locked them onto mine... He didn't look at the people around us... He just stared into my eyes, as if to tell me I was doing the right thing... When she gave him the first part of the dosage, his jaw was locking up, as another seizure was kicking in... But the medicine stopped it, and his body relaxed as his limbs went limp... All the while, he still stared at me, but with a new look... A peaceful look... Relief in his eyes, for the first time in 2 days... It was the hardest look I've ever had to process... So when the Vet asked if I was ready to continue, I knew I had to get it over with and let him go. I held him during his last breaths... My baby... Then kissed his head, and said 'goodbye'. I will NEVER forget the way he looked at me during those last moments. He had been so lethargic, so out of it for the past two days, that he never truly "looked at me", and I thought I'd never see it again... But he did. He let me know that he was finally okay. I wish I had my "good phone" so I could have gotten last pictures of him... But I'm kind of glad that my "crappy" phone was able to capture him the minute before the Vet came in (last picture, being held by Brandon), and that it wasn't able to capture just how awful he really looked... His bruised, swollen, bleeding face... That image will haunt me forever. My poor baby :( :(

We always joked that we were going to "trade him in" for one of our foster dogs, or another dog, becuase he was so rotten... "Demon dog", or, as I constantly told people, "Sent to test me"... But the truth is, is that there is no dog that could EVER take his place... No dog I'd ever want over him... He was my baby. My responsibility. Mine to spoil, love, cuddle with... MINE.

Come home, Gray... Please lick my face w/ your alarmingly stinky breath & wake me up from this nightmare... :(

~ * Quotes * ~

“You're going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it's always their actions you should judge them by. It's actions, not words, that matter.”
(nicholas sparks - "The Rescue)


I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?
(john lennon)


I expect to pass through life but once. If, therefore, there be any kindness I can show, or any good thing I can do to any fellow being, let me do it now, and not defer or neglect it, as I shall not pass this way again.
(william penn)


Remember my sentimental friend, you will be judged not by how much you love, but by how much you are loved.
(wizard of oz)


“Life, he realize, was much like a song. In the beginning there is mystery, in the end there is confirmation, but it's in the middle where all the emotion resides to make the whole thing worthwhile.”
(nicholas sparks - "The Last Song")


It may have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me.
(jim morrison)


Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him.
(aldous huxley)


Oh, my friend, it's not what they take away from you that counts. It's what you do with what you have left.
(hubert humphrey)


If you can't laugh at yourself, life's gonna seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.
(garden state)


Do something you really like and hopefully it pays the rent. As far as I’m concerned, that’s success.
(tom petty)


“Passion is passion. It's the excitement between the tedious spaces, and it doesn't matter where it's directed...It can be coins or sports or politics or horses or music or faith...the saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all.”
(nicholas sparks - "Dear John)


Here in your mind you have complete privacy. Here there's no difference between what is and what could be.
(chuck palahniuk)


Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.
(bob marley)


Those who believe that they are exclusively in the right are generally those who achieve something.
(aldous huxley)


Remember:
Life is short, break the rules -- they were made to be broken.
Forgive quickly, kiss slowly
Love truly, laugh uncontrollably
And never regret anything that makes you smile.
The clouds are lined with silver and the glass is half full -- though the answers won't be found at the bottom.
Don't sweat the small stuff;
You are who you are meant to be.
Dance as if no one's watching; love as if it's all you know,
dream as if you'll live forever; live as if you'll die today.
(james dean)

Glee - "Get It Right"

I have to be honest... I was VERY hesitant to jump aboard the "Glee-wagon". Extremely hesitant, actually. I'm pretty sure I made fun of everyone FOR being so into it. And then... I actually watched an episode. And then I watched a couple more... and that turned into me becoming obsessed with the show. The story-line is awesome, the actors are so talented, and there are so many different themes that the show incorporates... I sincerely love it.

There are MANY songs I adore from the show... But this one is, above all, one of my absolute favorites:

"I Was Born To Tell You 'I Love You'..."

It's 5:15 in the morning, and this crazy girl is still awake... Big surprise, right? :-P I'm in a weird-combination-of-a reflective/lovey-dovey/nostalgic/sentimental kind of mood... A bit of a mouthful, no doubt about it. Like always, my "random" button on iTunes and my personalized stations on Pandora are catering to this mood in most very pleasant of ways. I love being THIS happy, I love having memories (happy, bittersweet, sad) because they molded me into the person I am today, and I love love LOVE being IN love. I adore it to no end. That being said, I'm going to continue getting lost in my head with a plethora of memories (people, places, summers/winters past)... Memories so splendid--with such scenic grandeur--that I KNOW I'll enjoy re-visiting them over the next few hours :)


Memory Lane's RANDOM Soundtrack

"Always" - Bon Jovi
"Ordinary Day" - Vanessa Carlton
"Somewhere With You" - Kenny Chesney
"Wish You Were Here" - Incubus
"Touch" - Bedlam Stories
"Hey There Delilah" - Plain White T's
"I'm Yours" - Jason Mraz
"Follow Through" - Gavin Degraw
"Entwined" - Jason Reeves
"Angel" - Matt Nathanson
"Marry Me" - Train
"Look What You've Done" - Jet
"Brightest" - Copeland
"As You Sleep" - Something Corporate
"Tim McGraw" - Taylor Swift
"Signal Fire" - Snow Patrol
"Think Of You Later" - Every Avenue
"My Best Friend" - Tim McGraw
"Give In To Me" - Faith Hill
"He Thinks He'll Keep Her" - Mary Chapin Carpenter
"Breakdown" - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
"Dust In The Wind" - Kansas
"Teenage Dream" - Katy Perry
"Droplets" - Colbie Caillat & Jason Reeves
"I'd Rather Be With You" - Joshua Radin
"Learn To Fly" - Carbon Leaf
"Stolen" - Dashboard Confessional
"Who Are You When I'm Not Looking" - Blake Shelton
"Embers & Envelopes" - Mae
"In This Diary" - The Ataris
"Hey Soul Sister" - Train
"Look What I Found" - Chris Cagle
"Learning To Fly" - Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
"Bent" - Matt Nathanson
"Somebody Loved" - The Weepies
"In Love With A Girl" - Gavin Degraw
"Wish You Were Here" - Pink Floyd
"Toes" - Zac Brown Band
"American Honey" - Lady Antebellum
"The Best Of Times" - Styx
"You Got Me" - Colbie Caillat
"Belief" - Gavin Degraw
"Almost Lover" - A Fine Frenzy
"Paralytic" - Dead Poetic
"Just To See You Smile" - Tim McGraw
"Feels Like Home" - Chantal Kreviazuk
"Your Guardian Angel" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"Find A Way" - Safetysuit
"Keep Breathing" - Ingrid Michaelson
"I Miss You" - Incubus
"Back To December" - Taylor Swift
"Your Call" - Secondhand Serenade
"I Lost It" - Kenny Chesney
"White Houses" - Vanessa Carlton
"Then" - Brad Paisley
"What If You" - Joshua Radin
"Vindicated" - Dashboard Confessional
"So Cold I Could See My Breath" - Emery
"Open Arms" - Journey
"She Only Smokes When She Drinks" - Joe Nichols
"Austin" - Blake Shelton
"Jamie All Over" - Mayday Parade
"Annie" - Safetysuit
"So Long Astoria" - The Ataris
"Angles and Errors" - Park
"Country Strong" - Gwyneth Paltrow
"Where I Stood" - Missy Higgins
"I'd Lie" - Taylor Swift
"Coastal Cities" - The Secret Handshake
"Words I Couldn't Say" - Leighton Meester (orig. by Rascal Flatts)
"Home" - Framing Hanley
"Rhythm of Love" - Plain White T's
"Come On Get Higher" - Matt Nathanson
"The Rest Of My Life" - Less Than Jake
"Scarlett" - Nate & His Kite
"Be My Baby" - Leslie Mendelson
"Red Dirt Road" - Brooks & Dunn
"Photographs & Memories" - Jason Reeves
"I Run To You" - Lady Antebellum
"Tonight I Love You" - The Latency
"Ruthless" - Something Corporate
"Coming Home" - City & Colour
"The Only Exception" - Paramore
"Me and Tennessee" - Tim McGraw & Gwyneth Paltrow
"Want To" - Sugarland
"We're So Far Away" - Mae
"Fall For You" - Secondhand Serenade
"Anything But Mine" - Kenny Chesney
"Iridescent" - Linkin Park
"Vanilla Twilight" - Owl City
"Don't You Wanna Stay" - Jason Aldean (ft. Kelly Clarkson)
"Ready & Waiting To Fall" - Mae
"Goodnight Moon" - Go Radio
"Bubbly" - Colbie Caillat
"Gotta Have You" - The Weepies
"More Than Anyone" - Gavin Degraw
"I Know You Better Than That" - Leslie Mendelson
"Between You and I" - Every Avenue
"Wedding Dress" - Matt Nathanson
"Mine" - Taylor Swift
"Cat and Mouse" - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"You Had Me From Hello" - Kenny Chesney
"Hurricane" - Something Corporate
"Make-Up Smeared Eyes" - Automatic Loveletter


~*All the places I've been & things I've seen, a million stories that made up a million shattered dreams -- the faces of people I'll never see again...*~

<3 Xo <3

Development.

Life is like a marvelous tapestry, woven with precision and experience; each, a masterpiece that differs greatly from the next. If we live too hastily, we are prone to making more mistakes and facing copious amounts of stress, preventing us from ever truly enjoying the beauty and experience of the process itself. Mistakes are necessary, true; however, we should LEARN from them, not be haunted by them. Life should be taken in slowly, in incriments... One day, one hour, one moment and one breath at a time... Each detail savored and appreciated... Each experience (positive or negative) a motivator... Each breath a reminder of just how lucky we are to be a part of something so exquisite. Life should be a positive, inspirational journey... One chalk-full of new ideas, new lessons and new beginnings.

Too often, people are so busy stressing and living for tomorrow that they miss out on the beauty of the here-and-now. We aren't given the gift of immortality... So live while you can. Take the most out of every single experience. Be a better person... Not just because you should be, but because you WANT to be. Give without getting. Help, inspire and appreciate others. Change someone's life. Change your own life. APOLOGIZE. Try something new every day. STOP put things off for tomorrow... Tomorrow is a gift, it isn't promised to us. What we DO have is this moment RIGHT NOW... We have today. Live for it... For "the now"... Live THIS day as if it were your last.

I've drowned in negativity, been barred and held back by past transgressions, held grudges toward bad experiences and the awful people responsible for them... I've allowed my judgment, my moral compass, my view on life to be clouded time and again, only to realize how miserable that made me. I don't want to live life under the constant burden of grief, depression OR regret... Because, honestly, how is that "living" at all? It's not! So why punish oneself by constantly being surrounded by negative situations/people/thoughts/vibes, when there is SO much more to enjoy in this beautiful world?! I'm cutting out the bad and embracing the good. I'm embarking on a journey to self-enlightenment, because I'm going to turn my attitude, my thoughts and my LIFE around.

Come with me... Share my experiences... Share your ideas/thoughts... Turn YOUR life around, one experience at a time. Whether it be doing something kind for a stranger, calling someone you haven't spoken to in years, apologizing for wrong-doings, learning a new skill, taking a spontaneous trip or simply enjoying the beauty and splendor and magic behind a simple rainbow, sunset, kiss, etc... Take time to appreciate EVERY SINGLE MINUTE. Soak up the warm moments, breathe in happiness, absorb and hold onto the moments that take your breath away...

Life IS beautiful. Discover that for yourself.

<3

Cinderella Story Dance Scene (HQ)